Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Here's something deliciously arbitrary for you: I made the effort during some previous Part Three chapters to mention that Hearth's Warming Eve and New Year's have gone by. So the story is now quite early in the year 1012. At the very, very beginning of this story, I decided to establish for myself a few dates which I could reference in order to be consistent about certain things. These dates are written on a sheet of paper whose edges are now starting to decay, that's how long I've had the thing. So… here are all of the dates I wrote down. The years are numbered from the year in which Celestia and Luna defeated Discord and became the rulers of Equestria. Hopefully, this doesn't result in something tacky like "BC" standing for "Before Celestia". Maybe "BRC", before the rule (or reign?) of Celestia. I dunno.

The first date I wrote down was the year of the whole Nightmare Moon debacle and the first Summer Sun Celebration: the year 9, though they probably hadn't yet adopted the numbering system yet at that point. The next meaningful date I have is way, way later: 984, the year Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were born. Pinkie, Applejack, and Rarity were born in 985, Twilight in 986. I never established exactly when in the year their birth dates are, so New Year's is the only time one can reliably get all of their exact ages based in year. The next notable date is 992, when Vorpal Blade, Skippmud, and Crazyface escaped from prison in the country of Nara. Skippmud was 16, Crazyface was 18, Vorpal Blade was 580.

The events of the episode "Cutie Mark Chronicles" happened in 996, when the Mane Six were roughly 12, 11, and 10 years old. And, needless to say, this was also the year Spike was born. Then, in 997, our terrible trio came to Equestria. Actually, on my paper it says they returned to Equestria, so this date thingy must predate my notion that the three were originally from another country. VB was 585, and the others were 21 and 23, so this would probably be around the time that VB gave his compatriots pieces of the Beast, freezing them at their current age. And it was this year that they encountered Venni, who was 11 years old. In 998, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were born. Their sisters were 13 years of age. Unlikely, but that's what I get for having ponies age the same as humans. While on that subject, allow me to retcon the episode "Baby Cakes" and say that the bulk of it took place a year after its prologue, rather than a month as stated in the episode itself. (well… maybe half a year; after all, Discord's joke about the twins' parentage doesn't really fit into such a time-frame… ah, forget it, doesn't matter) And Pipsqueak, who's implied to be under a year old, let's say he's, I dunno, six or seven. Doesn't matter, I can't imagine him ever being in this story for any reason.

Then, for some reason, I marked the year 999 for the escape of A-Bao-a-Qu, an evil creature who was mentioned very briefly when Mitgaeard escaped in Chapter 74. I'm not sure why I wrote that down, because I'm fairly certain that I always knew that A-Bao-a-Qu was a character who would never come into play beyond something to establish a precedent for Pinkie's horrendous blood vomits. I marked 1002 with "Venni sets off"; this was the year that 16-year-old Loli Pop, whatever her real name may be, became Vengeance Lash and started pursuing the ponies who only she remembered were bad guys. Then, I marked the years 1002 to 1004 with "graduation"; these are the years that the Mane Six turned 18. You'll notice this makes Twilight and Venni the same age.

And then, Season 1 of the show took place, approximately, from the summer of 1009 to the summer of 1010, while Season 2, the same from 1010 to 1011. And the summer of 1011 is when RFE began. I began to deliberately start including autumn motifs around the latter half of Part One, and eventually winter by the same point of Part Two. And now, as Part Three begins, so does the year 1012. Sorry that I skipped over all the holidays. Just couldn't think of anything interesting.

…When I had the idea to share the info on that piece of paper, I didn't think I'd get an 800-word essay out of it. I am out of control with these rants. It's fun, though, to revisit that sheet. It's an interesting sort of Part One relic. I didn't really know where the story was going when I wrote that. Most of the info is about the Mane Six, the Crusaders… and my big four OCs, who aren't really the big four anymore, considering how much goes on in the story that doesn't even involve them. I mean, this was before I even came up with the goddesses! So, there you have it. Let's, uh, let's move on now. This has been… an author's note longer than the entirety of chapters 11, 16, 56, and 73. Oy.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Four

Twilight entered a familiar tavern, one she had visited only a few times before. She slowly crossed the room, taking in the décor, until she noticed Pinkie behind the bar, smiling and waiting for her to say something.

"Pinkie?" she said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Oooh, that's a long story," Pinkie said gravely. "…Well, not really. See, Fluttershy bought this place and Sugarcube Corner, and I'm trading shifts with the filly who usually works here, just for shifts and giggles."

"Fluttershy bought two businesses?" Twilight demanded.

"Uh-huh."

"Wow," said Twilight, stunned. "I know she'd been thinking about it, but I figured she'd keep coming back to the conclusion that that's not the kind of thing she'd do. And I never imagined the Cakes would sell, either."

"Oh, they were very excited," said Pinkie. "Fluttershy gave 'em a reeeeeal good deal. They're on vacation now. Taking a trip around the world!"

"Oh, that's amazing…"

"Yup," Pinkie agreed. "They put some in a savings account for the twins' college, and then they're blowing the rest on this vacation. And I mean blowin' it; they said they're gonna make sure they barely have enough left to return to Equestria. They didn't want it to affect their lifestyle, they said, so after the vacation is over, they're just gonna come back to Sugarcube Corner, but just working there instead of owning."

"How about that?" Twilight remarked. "I'm still stuck on Fluttershy buying two businesses… do you know what motivated her to do that?"

Pinkie shrugged. "Why does anypony do anything?" she mused. "Can I get you anything from the bar?"

"Oh, sure," said Twilight. "I'll have a seapony martini."

"All right," said Pinkie. She didn't move, just continued smiling. "Um… what goes in a seapony martini?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I hope you don't find yourself asking that question too often. Some bar patrons aren't as accepting as I am. I'll put you out of your misery: a seapony martini is blue vodka, coconut rum, peach schnapps, pineapple juice, a splash of grenadine, and a cherry."

"Okie dokie lokie…" Pinkie gathered most of that from behind the bar with surprising efficiency. "Um… what is 'grenadine'?"

Twilight found it for her, picking it up with her magic and setting it down among the rest of the ingredients. "You may want to stick to baking, Pinkie," she said wryly.

"It's my first day!" Pinkie said defensively. "And bartending is the art of taste and texture and presentation, just like baking is. I can figure this out." She flipped through a small notepad she had on the bar. "Oh hey, seapony martini, there it is. Fantastic! Ahh, why don't you pick out something from the jukebox and go hang out with Zecora and Cheerilee while I whip this up for you."

"Zecora and Cheerilee?" Twilight repeated. She rubbernecked around the room, spotting the two of them merrymaking and laughing together at a table, over a board game.

Fascinated, Twilight approached them, using her levitation to stick a coin in the jukebox and select a song from a distance while she walked. Her song selection started playing by the time she reached the two of them. "Zecora, Cheerilee, what are you doing?"

Cheerilee turned toward her, her head rolling on her neck and one eye half-closed, plainly quite tipsy. "Well, I don't know what Zecora's doing," she slurred, "but what I'm doing is kicking her ass at mancala, that's what I'm doing." Giggling, she captured numerous stones and placed them in the well at her end of the board. "I'm surprised at how much trouble you're having, Zecora. Wasn't mancala invented in your lands?"

Zecora scowled playfully as she made her move. "I had better things to do with my upbringing, than learn how to play this silly thing. I do the very best I can. I do believe rugby was invented in this land; if we were playing that, I'm sure I'd be beating you."

"You're probably right, but at this game, I'm eating you," Cheerilee said triumphantly.

Twilight laughed. "What I meant was, I didn't know you two hung out with each other."

"Oh, we don't," said Cheerilee. "I mean, we didn't before tonight. But we do now, I hope! I hope this isn't the only time."

"I do agree, dear Cheerilee," said Zecora, beaming.

"Turns out, Zecora and I have quite a bit to talk about," Cheerilee finished.

"Oh yeah?" Twilight said delightedly. "Like what?"

Cheerilee hesitated nervously. "Most recently? You."

Twilight laughed again. "Good things, I hope."

"Fear not," said Zecora. "We were discussing your theories on dating, so nice, and hoping you could offer us some advice."

"Oh, certainly," said Twilight. "What is it you need to talk about?"

Pinkie came up to their table with a wheeled tray. "Here you are, girls!" she chirped. "A seapony martini for Twilight…" She slid the red-and-gold martini toward her. "For Cheerilee, rum and diet cola, no ice."

The glass she presented was only one-quarter full. Cheerilee stared at it blearily, not comprehending. "I'm kidding, here ya go," Pinkie said, producing a full glass and setting it on the table. "And for Zecora, a Flaming Moe!" She struck a match, setting Zecora's drink on fire before sliding it over to her.

"Oooooh," Zecora said, her gaze drawn hypnotically to the flame. She blew it out and took a sip, shooting a "thank you" to Pinkie as she departed.

"So," said Twilight, taking a sip of her martini, "you wanted dating advice?"

"Of a sort," said Cheerilee. "Zecora seems to be more in need of advice than I am… but let's do me first. I'm looking. You know, I'm not getting any younger."

Twilight glanced at Zecora, who seemed bewildered, wondering what had just happened.

"Don't get me wrong," Cheerilee continued, "I am a hot and spicy bowl of rice that don't need no side dish… doesn't need any side dish. Damn teacher instinct… ah, and I'm living the dream: I spend my days with children and spend my summers doing a whole lot of nothing. But, well… I've been a teacher since I was nineteen years old, so you better believe that speaks to a desire for children, first of all, and… I don't much care for returning home to an empty place. I'd like somepony to be there to greet me. But it has to be the right guy. I'm very particular. But once I get that guy… I'll have it all. A confidant, a make-out buddy, a nice big warm fuzzy pillow to sleep on, all the perks. At the very least, I'll be able to write to my mother and tell her I'm getting laid."

Twilight blinked. "You, uh, you tell your mother that?"

"She was a hippie," Cheerilee explained. "Well, she is a hippie. You don't really stop being a hippie. Kinda tragic, really. So we share a lot, you know, very open with each other because that's the way she is. I'm sorry, by the way, that I'm such a mean drunk, I do apologize."

"That's quite all right," said Twilight, sharing a knowing smirk with Zecora.

Pinkie returned, bearing a tray once again. "Hiiii! It's so cute to see you three chatting with each other, I just had to do something to make your stay here more enjoyable, so here: three orders of the pub fries, on the house." One by one, she set the plates of greasy fries on the table.

"Oh, gosh," Twilight said with a grin. "Well, thank you, Pinkie, but I can't accept these."

"I insist," said Pinkie, grinning toothily.

"No, it just isn't fair," Twilight countered. "I can't let you give me three orders of pub fries while Zecora and Cheerilee get nothing."

There was a beat as each of them took a second to get the joke, then they all broke out in grins.

"Hey, I like pub fries," Twilight said defensively. "Thanks, Pinkie."

"Enough about me, then," said Cheerilee as Pinkie returned once more to the bar. "Let's talk about Zecora's problem—are you lonely, Twilight?"

Zecora looked taken aback again, as did Twilight. "Sorry?"

"What was it like, leaving your man at the Bazaar and having to wait for him?" Cheerilee said with a pout.

Twilight sighed and closed her eyes. "It's tough. Most days, it feels like there's a part of me that's missing, floating around somewhere out in the world. …I know we can make it. I trust him to come back to me. I know, intellectually and emotionally, that there is no more looking in my future. I am, for all intents and purposes, Mrs. 'Lord of the Donuts'. That's just the way it is. So that's good. That feels good, at least. The secure future. Sure feels like a distant future, though."

She took a prolonged drink of her martini through a straw. "That's what he's gonna call his shop, once he gets a bigger one," she added. "Lord of the Donuts."

"I was wondering about that one," Cheerilee said dryly.

Twilight toyed with her martini glass, sliding it from one hoof to the other. "It was really hard to quit sex cold turkey," she said grimly. "Maybe we should have gently started phasing it out over the last few days, instead of escalating it. It was hard to go from multiple times a day to… never at all. Maybe that 'one last time' would have been more special if it had been the only time that morning… but, we'll never know, 'cause that's in the past. In the present… we write every day. We celebrate the day of our first hookup on that day every month." She giggled. "I know that's completely juvenile, but…"

"No, no, it's cute," said Cheerilee, her eyes huge and dewy. A moment later, she had straightened and assumed a businesslike manner. "So, like I was saying, Zecora's—"

"Hey, you guys?" Pinkie called from the cash register. "Sorry to interrupt, but apparently I'm not allowed to give pub fries on the house, so they're on me instead. Their cost will be docked from my pay."

"Okay, Pinkie," Twilight called back. "Thank you."

Pinkie bit her lip nervously. "You're supposed to say I don't have to do that, and offer to pay for them yourselves."

"You're starring in a movie, you can afford to pay for some pub fries that you decided to get us," Twilight shot back.

"…It's a low-budget movie," Pinkie said lamely.

"Pinkie…"

"Fine, fine, I'll pay for your pub fries," Pinkie grumbled. "Only because I LIKE YOU! I just hope you know that if I can't afford to get that waterslide installed in my bedroom, it's your fault."

"I'm sure we'll be wracked with guilt over your suffering," said Twilight. "So… what were we talking about?"

"Me," said Zecora, irked.

"Oh, that's right, Zecora!" Cheerilee gushed. "Things are going great for you. Dating the high priest of your entire religion! Where have you been hiding that raw sex appeal, baby?"

Zecora nodded. "He's a prize, I must agree. My lifelong romantic fantasy. The only creature with a bigger trophy on their shelf is the one courting Okapiopteryx herself."

"…And who is that?" Cheerilee said with interest.

"Hmm? Oh, the Four-Winged Queen is single. She doesn't very often mingle."

"Oh," Cheerilee said in disappointment. "Well, you had only just started telling me about your handsome stallion. Does he have any cute acolytes we could double-date with?" She fluttered her eyelashes.

"He has many," Zecora said, amused. "I will ask."

"Really?"

"For a friend, an easy task." Zecora rubbed Cheerilee's shoulder affectionately.

"So, things between you and Tinder are going well, then?" said Twilight.

Zecora nodded with enthusiasm. "We send letters through a little magic door; sometimes we stay up late writing 'til our eyes are sore. Every day we communicate, and every so often we have a date. He summons me to Web City with sorcery… we talk about him, we talk about me. We see all of my homeland's sights, we gaze at the stars on quiet nights."

"Wow," Twilight breathed. "I'm trying to picture you on a date, Zecora. It must be extraordinary."

"Can't complain," said Zecora. "Except…" She flinched, and there was a long and heavy silence.

"What?" Twilight said softly.

"It's a tiny thing," Zecora said carefully, "and I don't want to be a hater, but… when we went out to eat, he was mean to the waiter."

"…Huh," Twilight remarked.

"Well then, can I have him and you get the cute acolyte?" Cheerilee said hopefully.

"Oh, shush," Twilight laughed. "So, erm… what are you going to do about that?"

Zecora shrugged. "Hey, I've stolen a kiss with my childhood crush. I should be thankful life has given me such. And I'll do whatever it takes to win, a chance or two to do that again." Not looking convinced of her own words, she took a large swallow of her drink.

Twilight tapped Zecora's hoof in understanding, and the three of them sat in silence for a while, listening to the jukebox and nursing their drinks.

After several minutes, Zecora slammed a hoof down on the table. "Let me tell you a little story about my homeland's ancient glory!" she bellowed. She pounded what remained of her Flaming Moe and stood up.

"In the lands that would later become Web City, tribal relations were not so pretty," she recited grandly. "'Twas a long-lasting feud 'twixt gazelles of the east, and the northern village of wildebeests. No one remembered how it started, but the passionate hatred was most wholehearted. Skirmishes and infestations, war that lasted generations. One day, a group of wildebeest trainees had an idea they thought was brainy. They snuck into the gazelle king's home, and stole his ancestral wood-carved throne. These young rebels—"

"Where are you going with this, Zecora?" Twilight said blankly.

She glared.

"Sorry, sorry, go on," Twilight submitted.

"Thank you," Zecora said tersely. "These young rebels felt the need, to brag about their mischievous deed. Well needless to say, word reached the gazelles, and they attacked with all the fury of hell! Now, the youthful warriors were rather dense, and in the panic of invasion, they lost all sense. Rather than surrender and end the attack, they kept the throne and held it back. They tried to stash it in the rafters of their grass-thatched hut, but the house collapsed, and they were caught! Thus proving the lesson we all know in our bones: those who live in grass houses should not stow thrones." She beamed and waited for that to sink in.

Twilight's jaw dropped. "Oh my sweet Celestia. What the hell was that?" She lightly smacked Zecora's head, and Cheerilee laughed hysterically.

Twilight drained the rest of her martini. "All right," she said, plainly having become increasingly drunk. "Big, big solution here… check this out, in one swoop I'm gonna solve both of y'all's romance problems."

"Really?" Cheerilee said with fascination.

"Cheerilee, you're available, and you wanna be not available anymore," said Twilight. "Or, not be available. Be not available? I dunno. Anyway, your problem is you're hanging here with us. You're drunk in a bar, you shouldn't be gabbing with chicks, you should be checking out all the guyses around here!"

Cheerilee squinted at her. "You know, you finished that martini really quickly for a unicorn."

"Oh yeah?" Twilight bristled. "Well, you hold your liquor really well… for a unicorn." She bopped Cheerilee on the head.

"Oh, snap," Zecora chuckled.

Twilight peered into her martini glass, then downed the few drops that remained. "See, 'cause she's not a unicorn," she explained, licking her lips.

"Oh, goodness, I'm rather blitzed, aren't I?" Cheerilee said apologetically. "I'm 'racist remark' blitzed. Wowwwww. I may very well be too hammered to trust my own judgment when it comes to picking up… guyses. Buzz, buzz…"

"Lemme see…" Twilight said thoughtfully. She made a crossing motion in front of Cheerilee's face, and the teacher successfully followed the gesture with her eyes. "You're gonna be fine," Twilight said. "Get on out there."

"A'ight!" Cheerilee said confidently, standing up and walking out into the tavern.

"Now, yoooouuuuu…" Twilight said to Zecora, leaning across the table and staring at her with unfocused eyes. For a few seconds, she continued to stare, then shook her head rapidly to clear it, coughed, and proceeded. "You're gonna be okay. Okay? He's probably a great guy. Tell him your concerns. Find out if that's gonna be a regular thing. You can't just hang out and quietly wait for that kind of data, you gotta actively find out if your guy being mean to the waiter is the kind of thing you should be worried about or not."

Zecora leaned forward and nuzzled Twilight's face with her own. "Twilight Sparkle is best scholar of our times," she said. "…And I can't think of anything that rhymes."

"…You did it, just there."

"Oh, hey, so I did! I am goooooood."

"Hee hee…"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

The seapony martini! Originally, I intended to refer to the drink by its real name: the seaside martini. It's my favorite drink, and I thought I would make myself look erudite my mentioning it and accurately stating what goes into it.

Later, however, I found out that the seaside martini was actually invented by my aunt, and therefore cannot be found outside of the tavern my family owns in small-town Wisconsin. So it wouldn't make me look intellectual so much as… obscure. Obscurity is hip, but you go too obscure and it goes back around to being un-hip.

Anyway, the things Twilight lists are indeed the ingredients of a seaside martini, if you ever want to try one. It's quite good. A tropical sort of martini, not too strong. I don't know anything about proportions of each ingredient, though, so you may have to figure that out yourself. I dunno, I ain't exactly a mixologist. I'm the guy who works the grill.