Waking Nightmares

by Jonathan "KnightMysterio" Spires

Chapter 13: Sandvich and Me

The disclaimer about copyrights from the last chapter will apply to this and all future chapters. This story starts four days after the events of the previous chapter.

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Books and Branches Library...

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"Hnh," Twilight said, looking over the mail. "Just got word from Mitta. She's doing fine as the new Mare-Do-Well. Vinyl and Octavia are recovering nicely as well."

Medic chuckled, sipping tea, Archimedes Jr. sitting on his head. "Vell, zat is somezing at least. Zere seem to be no negative after-effects here ozzer zan Rainbow Dash being perpetually grumpy."

"Well, can you blame her?" Derpy said, munching on the muffin Twilight had given her. "First blinded, then that terrible song..."

Twilight frowned. "Sparkler's doing okay though, right?"

Derpy nodded, sighing and smiling. "My amethyst star... She's a strong one. She's just sad that it affected her so badly..."

Medic quirked an eyebrow. "Und are YOU all right, Fraulein Derpy? When Spy brought in ze cloud, she vas on ze verge of cutting your throat."

Derpy closed her eyes. "Spy and Zecora stopped it, and Pinkie Pie and Scout made it all better. That's all that counts," she said softly, her tone clearly stating that she was done talking about it.

Medic quirked an eyebrow, and nodded. "Fair enough. Onto a new topic, zen," he said. "Vhich of ze two remaining Lost Elements of Harmony do you think you are?"

Derpy choked on her muffin, blushing. "Well, I..." she stammered.

Twilight saved her by saying, "Whichever she is, Love or Hope, I'm sure she'll make a fine Element of Harmony."

Derpy smiled gratefully at her, finished off her muffin. "Anyway, I should get going, finish making these deliveries," she said.

Twilight nodded. "All right," she said. "And thanks for staying for a while."

Derpy smiled. "No problem," she said. "We're friends, right?"

Twilight just smiled, Derpy waving as she flew off to complete her route. Twilight sighed.

"Judging by zat," Medic said, putting some seeds in a bowl for Archimedes Jr., "I can guess zat you didn't really consider her a friend before."

Twilight nodded, embarrassed. "Yeah... I mean, I knew OF her, but beyond the fact that most people consider her a good mother, but beyond that..."

Spike chuckled. "You forgot the fact that she's also the clumsiest pony in Ponyville," he said from where he was organizing books.

Twilight gave her assistant an irritated look. "She's gotten a lot better since the city hall incident," she said.

Medic quirked an eyebrow. "'City hall incident?'" Medic asked.

Twilight sighed. "Derpy... she likes to play with stormclouds. She's also easily distracted when doing ANYTHING not involving her kids."

Medic chuckled, getting the idea. "Say no more," he said. " I am suddenly reminded of ze time Soldier decided to write his name in the side of a mountain."

"That doesn't sound so bad," she said, going over to the table.

"He vas doing it vith his verdammt rocket launcher," Medic groused, watching Archimedes Jr. eat. "He's just lucky zat ze avalanche he started never reached ze base."

Twilight stared for a moment and shook her head. "He seems rather... unusual..."

Medic sipped his tea. "Somezing broke inside him years ago," he said. I can relate... he thought to himself.

At which point Pinkie and Scout appeared out of a row of bookshelves, startling Spike and causing him to fall off the ladder he was on.

"Stop doing that!" he yelled, rubbing his head as Twilight ran over to check on him.

"Sorry," Pinkie said, producing a chocolate cupcake for him and blushing with embarrassment. "Anyway, Twilight, can we actually borrow this ladder?"

"Yeah," Scout said, "We need it for this thing we doin.'"

Twilight frowned. "I kinda need it," she said.

"We're not gonna keep it," Scout said, "We just need it for the day."

Twilight hesitated for a moment, and sighed. "Fine, fine... Just remember to bring it back. UNDAMAGED," she said.

"Okey dokey lokey!" Pinkie Pie said, grinning. She and Scout grabbed the ladder and dragged it back into the bookcase, disappearing again.

Spike grumbled, declaring he was going to go play with Owlowiscious and Peewee. Twilight let him go, since his chores were done anyway.

Medic stared. "...Zat vas interesting. How did zey appear in ze bookshelf like zat?"

Twilight shrugged. "I've long since given up trying to figure out how Pinkie does what she does. Keeps my stress levels low," she said.

Medic shook his head. "And she's taught it to Scout now," he said, chuckling. "Oh dear. Poor Engie will probably have an aneurism trying to figure zis out."

Twilight frowned. "Do you think it's possible I could convince him to stop?" she asked.

Medic shook his head. "Nein. He's ze type who likes to understand zings. It will be a vhile before he gets frustrated enough to quit."

Twilight shrugged, a worried look on her face. "Well, I hope he can realize that he needs to leave it alone soon," she said. "Pinkie's... 'abilities' are weird, but not worth making your head explode about."

Medic snickered. "I'm just surprised zat zere is not a spell to trade minds vith Pinkie," he said. "Zat way you could experience her abilities yourself."

Twilight quirked an eyebrow. "There is, but I'm not going to use it," she said.

Medic blinked. "REALLY now," he said, interested.

"Two reasons," Twilight said. "First one, it's too risky. The transfer has a chance of being permanent if the body that cast the spell, mine, doesn't cast the return spell right. Second, there's a possibility that our abilities would transfer along with our minds, turning Pinkie's body into a unicorn and mine into an Earth pony's. There's been a lot of research done on Cutie Marks and its shown that they're directly linked to the mind and soul of the pony that caused it to appear."

Medic nodded, fascinated. "So if one were to, say, take a skin graft zat had someone's Cutie Mark and put it on anozzer pony..."

Twilight frowned at him. "...Then the Cutie Mark would disappear. Why are you asking that?"

Medic sipped his tea, taking mental notes. "No reason," he said. "Just medical curiosity."

Note to self: Talk to Heavy later, Twilight thought. "Uh huh..." Twilight said. "So... How did you get your start in the medical profession?"

Medic gagged on his tea, caught off-guard. He composed himself after a moment, and said, "Before I answer zat, Fraulein, I must ask you something: do you remember ze answer I gave vhen you asked me vhy I vanted ze anatomy books?"

"Yes..." Twilight said.

Medic quirked an eyebrow. "Next question," he said. "Did you enjoy ze nightmare inflicted upon you?"

"Of course not," Twilight snapped.

"Zen never ask me about my past before ze var games ever again," he said. "Zome horror stories are best left forgotten..."

Medic returned to his tea, sipping it softly, Twilight staring at him worriedly.

Before she could pursue the thought any further, though, Trixie stuck her head in the door.

"Just giving you a heads up," she said. "A pair of idiots I know named Flim and Flam are here."

Twilight gagged. "Those two again? What do they want?"

"Ah, so you're familiar with their ever-so-popular seventy-five, twenty-five scam," she said. "That explains the lawyer..."

"What?!" Spike said. "Why do they have a lawyer?"

Trixie shook her head. "Trixie isn't sure, but they have that confident,'I just won' look on their faces," she said. "You've met those idiots before?"

Twilight nodded, gathering some law books into her saddlebags. "Yeah. They challenged the Apples to a cider making contest."

Trixie facehoofed. "And let me guess. They bet their farm on it," she said. When Twilight nodded. "All right, Trixie thinks she knows where they are going with this. Come on."

Medic frowned, setting down his tea. "Vhat's going on?"

Twilight shook her head, Spike hopping onto her back. "I'll explain on the way. Let's go."

As they ran to Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight quickly explained the Flim Flam brothers to Medic. Medic became increasingly grumpy as he heard the story, irritated with these two already.

When he actually got there, and saw them for the first time, his irritation blossomed into full-blown disgust.

The two looked like carnival barkers, clad in blue vests and straw hats. Mustachioed Flam was playing an old piano, smooth-faced Flim laying on top of it like a lounge singer as the Apple family looked at a court document with horror on their faces, Barricade looking with them and looking like she desperately needed a drink.

"What's going on?" Twilight said.

"T-Twilight..." Applejack stammered. "T-This thang..."

"It says that because we actually lost the bet, the Flim Flam brothers can legally claim the farm!" Apple Bloom said.

"WHAT?!" Twilight said, coming over to look at the document. "Let me see that!"

The BLUs, along with Rainbow Dash, who had come with Sniper, and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, who had been playing with Apple Bloom earlier, all gathered around as well, looking at the document. Several other ponies were arriving as well, recognizing the sound of the Flim Flam brothers' piano music.

Twilight paled as she looked the document over, a look of dismay coming to her face.

"You see the date the law was made, then?" Barricade said.

"Yeah..." Twilight said, her voice hoarse.

"Twilight..." Rainbow Dash said, "What's going on?"

Twilight gulped. "Due to her guilt over what she did to Princess Luna to stop her from creating Eternal Night, Celestia went through periodic bouts of severe depression. There... There was a brief period of fifty years that Princess Celestia spent... completely drunk."

Demoman blinked, impressed. "Fifty years non-stop?" he asked, whistling.

Twilight nodded. "Yeah... She spent it drinking to try and forget what she did to her sister, and made... lots of stupid mistakes. Including sleeping around with any stallion or mare that was interested and also... also signing several laws into effect that she probably shouldn't have. She's been trying to get rid of them ever since. She still hasn't identified them all..."

Applejack grimaced. "Well, looks like we found another one t'be repealed..."

A tired-looking lavender unicorn stallion with a red mane came up to them, his Cutie Mark a paragraph of several lines of tinily written legalese. "Mrs. Smith," he said, addressing Granny Smith directly. "My name is Fine Print... As much as I share your distaste for the brothers, they do have a legitimate claim on the farm. Under the Bet Properties Act, since you didn't actually win the competition, Sweet Apple Acres as a whole belongs to them."

"You can't do this!" Rainbow Dash said. "Sweet Apple Acres belongs to the Apple family!"

"Legally, it doesn't," Flim said, grinning viciously. "But we are kind. We'll give you two weeks to clear off of our property."

"All a part of the generous deals of Flim and Flam! ALWAYS bringing opportunity to your very community!" Flam cackled.

Applejack, Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith all glared at the two of them. But none of them could think of a way out of it.

Sniper, hesitantly, came forward and quietly said to Applejack and Big Macintosh, "I would like to take this time to remind you that I am a professional assassin, and a damn good shot. Ice arrows right between the eyes, quick and clean, and they'll melt long before any forensics expert can get to the bodies..."

It was a testament to their desperation that the two Apples even considered Sniper's offer.

And then Trixie spoke up. "Trixie really doesn't see the issue. It's not like they'll be able to do anything with it," she said, looking honestly perplexed by the situation. The others gave Trixie incredulous looks.

Flam smirked, and stopped playing. He went over to Trixie, and said. "I remember you, showmare," he said, idly stroking his mustache. "You were the one responsible for that disastrous show in Canterlot, yes? Great job in getting those two numbskulls to get an Ursa Major to attack."

Trixie just smirked at them. "And I remember the two of you," she said. "You both were running a scam in Neighpon for a good long while. Tell me, did you manage to get away from that Geisha madam without being gelded? That was a rather large katana she was wielding..."

Flam scowled. "Obviously we did," he said, Flim coming up to support him.

Twilight blinked. "Trixie, you've been to Neighpon?"

Trixie nodded. "Trixie is well-traveled, my dear Twilight Sparkle," she said, smirking. "But that's a story for another day."

"An irrelevant one," Flim said. "We have the farm now! We have the Zap Apple trees!"

"And it comes down to those famous Zap Apples again..." she said. "Trixie admits that she has never tried any Zap Apple products, but that's not the point at the moment."

"Trixie needs to stop referring to herself in the third person," Rainbow Dash muttered, "as it's REALLY annoying."

Trixie gave Rainbow Dash a dirty look, rolled her eyes, and continued. "The point is this: Granny Smith, where is the Zap Apple grove located?"

Granny Smith gestured. "Over there, about a mile along that path into the Everfree Forest," she said.

Mayor Mare blinked, grinning as she realized where Trixie was going with this. "...And barring the area Zecora's claimed as her homestead, the Everfree Forest is public land. And as such is controlled by the government. In this case, ME."

"WHAT?!" Flim and Flam said, looking to Fine Print, who began quickly leafing through a book in one of his saddlebags.

"...That's true, actually," he said, finding the passage and pointing it out to them. "Everfree was decreed to be public land 800 years ago by Princess Celestia herself, local areas of it controlled by the local government."

Mayor Mare nodded. "And since I have the authority to decide what to do with the land, I'd be more than willing to lease the Zap Apple Grove to the Apple family for say... three Zap Apple pies and four jars of Zap Apple jam each season?" she inquired.

Big Macintosh quirked an eyebrow. "Two pies and three jars," he said.

Applejack glared at him. "You're haggling NOW?" she asked incredulously. Big Macintosh just smirked.

"I can live with that," Mayor Mare said, licking her lips delightedly at the thought of the pies.

Flam sputtered angrily. "She can't do that! Can she?!" he said, turning to Fine Print.

The lawyer nodded. "She can. It's the law."

Flim fumed. "Well, you still have to go through our land to get them! And we won't allow trespassers."

Zecora, who had just arrived, wasn't familiar with the Flim Flam brothers. She had been quickly filled in by Spy, however, and knew how to counter what Flim just declared. "A path from my land leads to the Zap Apple grove. I will gladly let them through this simple alcove," she proclaimed.

Apple Bloom went up to Zecora and hugged her. Applejack sighed in relief. "All right... There's that at least..." she said.

Flim snarled. "But we still own the property! We still own the apples! Our cider, our apple products... We'll make a fortune with them!"

"Not in any of my stores, you won't," said Filthy Rich, who had arrived around the same time as Zecora. He glared at the two scam artists. "I've heard of you two. You nearly put one of my stores out of business with your scams. My greatest regret is that I wasn't in town when you showed up the first time, otherwise I would have warned the Apples not to take any of your bets. My selling contract is with the APPLE FAMILY. Not you. I won't let any of your apple products in ANY of my stores in ANY part of Equestria! And I'll warn other chains about you as well."

The Apples all traded hopeful looks. This was starting to go better than they thought. And the aghast expressions on Flim and Flam's faces was simply priceless.

"Wow..." Twilight said softly, grinning widely.

Rainbow Dash snickered. "I truly wish I could see the looks on their faces right now."

Scootaloo sidled up to her. "Featherweight's brought his camera here. I can get him to take pictures of the looks on their faces for when you get your sight back, Rainbow Dash," she suggested.

Rainbow Dash grinned, hugging her. "Ah, that's a great idea! You're the best, Scoots," she said.

Scootaloo squeed in delight and went off to talk to Featherweight, the photographer more than willing to cooperate.

Flim and Flam turned to glared at Trixie, who was just smirking. Flim's snarled, and swatted her hat off. Trixie frowned, and picked her hat up again, dusting it off and putting it back on.

Thunderlane, who was watching nearby, shook his head. "I don't know why she bothered," he said to Blossomforth. "Hats are stupid anyway."

If looks could kill, the glares the nine members of BLU sent Thunderlane's way would have liquified him on the spot. Thunderlane eeped and hid behind Blossomforth.

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Human world...

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The nine members of RED glared at the spot where the BLUs had vanished, angrily turning their gazes towards that empty space.

One problem, though.

"...Why are we glaring at this spot again?" RED Spy asked, confused.

"...I do not know," RED Medic admitted. "It... For a moment, I thought I heard someone insulting hats..."

"At least there's no more bloody music..." RED Sniper muttered.

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Pony world...

Sweet Apple Acres...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Trixie just laughed. "Oh boys boys boys..." she teased, strutting about. "It seems that you've done what you've always done this time. Or rather, FAILED to do."

Flam rubbed his temples and sighed. "And what, praytell, did we forget to do?"

"Do your damn research," Trixie said. "Know your audience. I knew that there'd be plenty here who couldn't resist being challenged when I first came here, and that's why I chose to come to Ponyville that first time. Let me guess: you heard about the Zap Apple grove and decided to go for your usual routine? Fools. If you had done your research, you would have turned your cart around and forgotten Ponyville existed. Applejack and her circle of friends alone have more connections than you two idiots, all of which can stop you COLD."

Flim glared at her. "Connections? In THIS podunk little town?"

Trixie looked over to Applejack, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash, seeing that they had been joined by Fluttershy, Rarity, Derpy, and Pinkie Pie.

"Indeed. I've learned even more about them since coming here." She looked at the gathering, and nodded. "Well, let's leave out the obvious fact that they're the ELEMENTS of HARMONY, and start with the Apples," Trixie said, strutting around them. "They are literally everywhere. Go to any town in Equestria and you'll find a member of their family. You literally cannot swing a cat anywhere in Equestria without an Apple catching the cat and telling you to stop hurting the darn thing."

"I would tell you to stop hurting the poor kitty," Fluttershy muttered.

Spike smirked. "That metaphor sounded better in your head, didn't it?" he said, Scout snickering.

Trixie grinned weakly. "Maybe a little..." she admitted, coughing and turning back to the Flim Flam brothers, who were glaring at her in frustration. "The point is this: Even IF you have Sweet Apple Acres, all Applejack and her family have to do is contact a relative. You'll find yourself facing towns EVERYWHERE that KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, and thus unwilling to do business with you."

Flim and Flam traded worried looks, having not considered that possibility.

Trixie smirked. "Next, the lovely miss Fluttershy," she said. Fluttershy squeaked and tried to hide, but Rarity gently coaxed her forward.

"Um... hi," she said.

Flim snorted. "That mouse? What possible connections can she have?"

"Her mother is the Captain of Canterlot's Pegasus Guard," Barricade rumbled, turning her deadly Glare on the two of them, the brothers wilting under her gaze. It was only then that they realized how much Fluttershy looked like her mother.

Trixie snickered. She was on a roll. "I was actually going to bring up her connections to Photo Finish before her, but honestly, Barricade is bordering on overkill," Trixie laughed. "And of course, Rainbow Dash, blinded currently, but still one of the hottest prospects for recruitment into the Wonderbolts." she said

"Wait, really?" Rainbow Dash asked, grinning excitedly.

Trixie continued without missing a beat. "And she's also the town's weather manager. I'd like to see you grow apples if you never get any rain."

Rainbow Dash blinked. She had never considered that she'd be able to do THAT...

Flim and Flam went wide-eyed. They began talking amongst themselves, trying to figure out something.

"There's also Rarity, who is a top fashion designer and has lots of connections in Canterlot, including Prince Blueblood and Fancypants," Trixie said, gesturing grandly to Rarity.

Flim gagged.

Rarity looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well, I do have a good relationship with Fancypants... And while Blueblood and I despise each other, we do have a professional working relationship..." she said.

Trixie grinned evilly under her hat. "And then we have Pinkie Pie," she said.

"Yep, that's me!" Pinkie chirped.

"Greatest party planner in Equestria, famous throughout the country," Trixie added.

"And I also work for the Cakes, who make the best pastries in Equestria!" Pinkie said, giggling.

"She's also friends with the famous DJ, Vinyl Scratch, who is dating the famous cellist Octavia, who is the granddaughter of Harbinger, the Captain of the Earth Pony Guard. (He's also in town, by the way.)"

Flam felt dizzy. They had encountered people with connections before, but never this many at once.

Trixie smirked, preparing the finishing move. "And finally, we come to Twilight Sparkle. Regarded by some as the most powerful unicorn in Equestria. (Not by me, but let's not quibble.) She is the personal student of Princess Celestia, with a direct line to her through her dragon's magic flame, and her brother, Shining Armor, is the Captain of the Unicorn Guard. Her sister-in-law, Princess Cadence, is the ambassador to the Crystal Empire."

Twilight blushed. "I'm not that powerful..."

Trixie smirked at the two Flim Flam brothers, who by this point looked as if someone had dropped a steam roller on them and then pummeled the steam roller until it exploded all over them. She grinned wickedly.

"There's more?" Flim muttered.

"It's pretty much overkill at this point. But in case none of these other things I've mentioned intimidate you, connections which can EASILY stop you in your tracks, there's also the nine professional killers that have recently moved into town and are quite fond of the Apples."

Flim and Flam blinked. "What?" the said, confused.

Trixie nodded. "They figured out where I was going with this and are currently standing behind you."

Flim and Flam turned... and then looked up, finding themselves staring at the massive Heavy.

Heavy grinned. "Let us wrestle, leetle men!" he rumbled.

The brothers shrieked, and backed away. Right into Pyro.

She gave them her most demented, savage grin. "Will you be my friend?" she said, an aura of flame surrounding her.

The brothers shrieked even louder.

The other BLUs swarmed around them, just grinning at them, leaving the two brothers in a panic.

Finally, Flim fainted, one hoof on his forehead as he lay in his brother's arms like a maiden.

Scout snickered. "Well, that was nothing short of pathetic," he said.

Flam glared at him, and then turned his gaze to Trixie. "...We never had a chance here, did we?" he said, smiling weakly.

Trixie sneered. "You were outclassed from the word 'go.'"

Flam sneered, and turned to the lawyer. Fine Print shrugged. "Your choice," he said. "You have the farm, but legally, the six of them can use their connections to basically shut you down in a month, if not a week, if you take into account what Mr. Rich and the Mayor said. Plus, I don't want to get anywhere near those nine blue ponies surrounding you at the moment. I'm pretty sure they can squash me and leave nothing left." He sighed. "Honestly, I'd give up your claim on the farm. This is lose-lose all around for you."

Flam sighed, and put his unconscious brother on the piano, giving up. "Fine, fine. Keep your damn farm," he said. He turned to Trixie, and added. "This round to you, showmare."

"This and all others to come," Trixie cackled. As Flam pushed the piano and his brother back to his cart, Trixie turned to the crowd, and said, "I am the Great and Powerful Trixie!" She then broke into song.

"So let me entertain you,

let me make you smile.

Let me do a few tricks,

some old

And then some new tricks.

I'm very versatile.

So let me entertain you,

and we'll

have

a REAL

good

time!"

The crowd burst into applause. Applejack, Apple Bloom, Granny Smith, and Big Macintosh practically piled onto Trixie, so grateful were they for chasing off the Flim Flam brothers.

"Trixie, y'all done saved the farm!" Applejack said.

"How can we ever repay you?" Granny Smith said.

"By getting off..." Trixie gasped, pinned underneath the pile of ponies. "I can't breath..."

The Apples quickly picked themselves off of Trixie and helped her up... only for Pyro to tackle her back to the ground with an affectionate hug.

"That was AWESOME, Trixie! You didn't even have to incinerate them!" Pyro chirped.

Trixie started to protest, but before she could, Pinkie Pie joined in the hug as well. Trixie facehoofed. "I give up," she muttered.

The others chuckled, and helped the showmare up again.

Granny Smith grinned widely. "Miss Trixie, y'all helped save our farm. Yer gettin' a big ol' Zap Apple pie when the season comes around, all to y'self."

Big Macintosh nodded, blushing a little. "And yer more than welcome t'have dinner with us tonight. We'll make up somethin' real special for helpin' get rid of those two."

Trixie looked the blushing Big Macintosh over, and smirked. Applejack took in the blush on her brother's face and the look on Trixie's face and sighed. Trixie did do them a great service today, so she'd let it go for now.

The lawyer came up to them. "I apologize," he said. "I knew those two are scum, but they paid me in full, so I had to do my job to the best of my ability."

The gathered Apples hesitated for a moment, before Apple Bloom came forward, smiling. "Well, shucks. Y'all were just doin' yer job, right? It wasn't personal."

Fine Print nodded, smiling. "Anyway, I should be getting back myself. It was a pleasure meeting you," he said.

The lawyer left them, and the other gathered ponies began to disperse, Engineer, Heavy, and Trixie heading back to the farm with the Apples. Barricade excused herself, Rainbow Dash briefly conversed with Scootaloo, who went off with Featherweight to get the pictures developed, while Sweetie Belle stuck with the remaning BLUs and Elements as they walked back to town.

"Well, that went better than I thought it would," Twilight said.

"I still can't believe they'd be mean enough to try and chase the Apples out of their home like that!" Derpy said.

"Believe it," Rainbow Dash muttered. "Those two are pure scam artists..."

"Is there really a route to the Zap Apple grove near your hut, Zecora?" Fluttershy asked.

"Truthfully, I'm not sure if there is or not. But it certainly helped them to say so, did it not?" Zecora said, everyone chuckling.

Rarity smiled. "It was a masterstroke, Zecora dear, well done," she said, a big smile on her face.

A smile that dissolved the instant she noticed her parents waiting on the path ahead of them.

"Oh! Mother! Father!" she said, forcing a grin on her face. "Hello, good to see you!"

Rarity's father chuckled, going over to give Rarity a big hug. The white stallion was wearing a sombrero and a Hawaiian-style shirt, his Cutie Mark a trio of American footballs, the mustache on his face reminding the BLUs uncomfortably of the boorish Saxton Hale. "Oh, it's good to see you again, Rarity. You stop by so rarely!" he said, his voice holding absolutely no trace of the refinement that was in Rarity's voice. He blinked, and chuckled. "Heh. I guess that makes you a 'rarity' in more ways than one!" He guffawed at his joke, his wife tittering as well.

Rarity's mother smiled. The pink unicorn mare, her purple hair bound up in a beehive, was wearing a garish, almost neon blue shirt and white pants. "Oh, Magnum, you're such a kidder," she said, her voice even more boorish than her husband's. "But you've told us so much about these new friends of yours, we just HAD to meet them for ourselves!"

Rarity giggled nervously. "Well... Heavy and Engineer aren't here, but... well, this is Sniper, Pyro, Medic, Scout, Demoman, Spy, and Soldier."

The BLUs all politely greeted the two of them.

Rarity's father chuckled. "Wow, aren't you the eclectic bunch?" he commented. "And here me and Marsha were worried that our cute little girl wouldn't get any men in her life, what with that little rebellious phase in college and the mess with Prince Blueblood."

Twilight gave Rarity a curious look. Rarity, not taking her eyes off her parents, mouthed the word 'later.'

Marsha came up to Zecora, looking her over. "And this must be the lovely Zecora," she said, her expression smiling, but uncertain.

Zecora smiled. "Yes I am, as you can see. To meet you is a great pleasure for me," she said, nodding politely.

Rarity nodded. "Yes. She's been a great help to us. And as it turns out, she's one of the bearers of the three lost Elements of Harmony, the Element of Trust."

Marsha nodded, relaxing a little. She put a hoof on Zecora's shoulder and said, "Well, in that case, let me just say that you are a fine credit to your herd."

Zecora's jaw dropped in shock. Rarity groaned, facehoofing. Sweetie Belle giggled nervously, understanding how inappropriate that comment was. Demoman glared at Marsha and Magnum, while everypony else just stared at the two of them with aghast expressions.

Neither of them noticed. "Anyway, we managed to reserve that fancy restaurant downtown all to ourselves. We wanted to treat you all to one of my special dinners in honor of all you've done for Ponyville since you've been here," Marsha said.

Rarity's expression became a mix of terror and sheer disgust.

"And I really want to talk to you about your intentions for my Rarity," Magnum said, sidling up to Spy with a stern, fatherly look on his face.

Spy regarded him with an even expression. "I assure you, ze arrangement is temporary until our own facility is finished," he said. "And besides, my romantic attentions are focused on Zecora."

Magnum stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Prench, eh..." he said, recognizing the accent. "Well, I still want to talk to you, stallion to stallion."

"Fair enough," Spy said. You are a boorish blithering idiot, he thought.

"Sweetie Belle," Marsha said, "Would you like to help me with making the lunch for our new friends?"

"Sure!" the filly said, all of the earlier awkwardness forgotten. The two older ponies prepared to leave, Sweetie Belle going with them and waving goodbye to Rarity and the others.

Rarity groaned. "Zecora, I'm terribly sorry for that," she said.

Zecora was still rather stunned. "It is... all right, that much is true. It just caught me off guard that they're so unlike you..."

Rarity shook her head. "It's a rather long story that is filled with embarrassment after embarrassment..."

Scout frowned. "Marsha?" he asked. "Sounds like a human name."

"Her full name is Marsha Mallow," she said, glaring at Scout as he opened his mouth again. "And if you go for the pun about my coloring, I'm going to smack you. I've heard that stupid pun WAY too many times..."

Scout smirked. "I wasn't gonna say anything."

"And what's this about a rebellious phase?" Rainbow Dash asked. "No offense, but that sounds more like something I'd do."

Rarity blushed furiously. "Well... Applejack and I dated briefly," she said.

Scout and Spy grinned widely. "REALLY now," they chorused.

Twilight frowned. "You two? Dating?"

Rainbow Dash shook her head, chuckling. "Interesting concept..."

Rarity nodded. "I was undergoing one of my many periods of frustration with my parents, and Applejack was attending a business college on weekends... We met, I became attracted to her rather... rustic charm, she apparently liked my looks... And we began dating."

Scout grinned. "So did you and she do it?" he said, Pinkie Pie giggling.

Rarity glared at him. "Yes, actually," she said after a moment, Scout's grin getting wider. She shook her head, and continued. "The physical aspect of the relationship wasn't the problem in the least. To put it in the politest manner possible, I am quite skilled with my hooves, and Applejack is very..." Rarity blushed, smiling at the pleasant memories. "...athletic. She's very athletic."

"But why didn't it work out?" Derpy asked. "The more I think about it, the more I think you two would make a really cute couple."

"Clash of personalities," Rarity said simply.

"Sounds about right," Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Pinkie, and Fluttershy said in unison.

Zecora just smirked, amused by the thought.

Rarity smiled at Derpy. "But I do appreciate the thought, my dear."

Derpy beamed.

Rarity blushed. "I'd appreciate if everypony kept this to themselves," she said. "It was just an old thing that happened years ago." She smiled when everypony agreed to it.

Spy coughed, changing the subject. "At any rate," he said, "It would be interesting to meet your family in full, Rarity. I'm sure your mother isn't that bad a cook. Even Pyro's over-charred concoctions are edible."

Rarity sighed. "Very well, if you insist. Some lessons just have to be learned the hard way," she said.

"If their food is anythin' like their personalities," Demoman muttered, the only one of the group aside from Rarity that wasn't smiling, "Then we're in for a siege, boyos."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Meanwhile...

Human world...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"And that's the story, Merasmus," RED Soldier said, talking into the crystal ball.

On the other end of the ball, Merasmus frowned, worried. "Odd... I've only heard of the Rainbow of Darkness once..."

RED Soldier brightened. "So you know what it is, then?"

Merasmus hesitated, and shook his head. "...No, old friend. I do not. I have heard of it once before, when a young girl was taken by it. She was eventually returned a broken, maddened wreck, speaking of a demon named Tirek..."

RED Soldier blinked. "A demon? So the Rainbow is demonic magic?"

Merasmus shook his head. "It's hard to say. I would need to study the spot that the BLUs were taken from..." he said.

"How soon can you get here?" RED Spy said, leaning up against the wall, idly smoking a cigarette.

Merasmus stared at RED Spy for a long moment, and said, "In a few days. In the meantime, keep watch for mysterious happenings."

"Such as?" RED Soldier asked.

"Such as the robot currently pretending to be Spy," Merasmus said.

RED Soldier blinked, turning to RED Spy, who just shrugged. "I have no idea what he's talking about," he said.

RED Soldier scowled and stood up, getting right in RED Spy's face. An irritated RED Spy blew smoke in his face. RED Soldier ignored the smoke and poked the Frenchman in the face.

He felt metal.

"SPY IN THE BASE!" he bellowed. The fake RED Spy pulled out a revolver, his disguise fading to reveal a mechanical man designed after the Spy, only colored blue. RED Soldier grappled with the robot, which managed to get off a shot before he pinned it to the ground, putting it in a choke hold.

The Spybot chuckled. "You do realize I have no lungs, don't you? You're not actually hurting me," it said.

"Quiet, maggot!" RED Soldier said.

Soon after, the rest of RED came, finding RED Soldier with the robot pinned down.

"What the blue blazes..." Engineer said, kneeling down to examine the robot, the others staring at it with confusion.

The Spybot's face was not built for expression. But it still gave the impression of being amused. "Gentlemen," it said, "I am Spybot 127, Attacker model. I was designed by one Gray Mann for the purposes of the destruction of Mann Co."

RED Scout blinked. "Gray Mann... wait, like Blutarch and Redmond Mann?"

The Spybot nodded. "Indeed. Gray is the long lost brother of those two idiots, and far more intelligent than the two of them put together. Aside from his one eccentricity, he is far more a Mann than either of them. He was left out of the family fortune after he was taken by an eagle during the Great London Eagle Scourge as a baby, returning and building a massive fortune and technology empire all on his own."

"The third Life Extender..." RED Engineer said, remembering his grandfather's notes. "The more efficient one..."

"Define 'eccentricity,'" RED Spy said, glaring at the robot.

"I and my fellow mechanisms are powered by money," the Spybot said. At the confused expressions on the mercenaries faces, it chuckled, and said, "Our Engineerbots nearly short-circuited themselves trying to figure out how that even worked before they gave up."

RED Engineer was the first to recover. "What is Gray up to?" he demanded.

"I have been sent here to make you an offer," the Spybot said. "When we make our attack, when Gray kills his brothers... Do nothing. We've seen your bank accounts, you have more than enough money to live on for the rest of your lives. Do nothing. Let Mann Co. be destroyed. Go to your families. And never worry about the BLU Team again. You can even get a ride back to your homes in one of our carrier tanks."

Everyone just stared at the robot, stunned. We could just leave... they thought.

"DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM!" Merasmus bellowed. "You MUST find the BLU Team! They are more important to you than you realize!"

"Indeed," said the Administrator, who had been listening in. "Do you truly think that I will..."

"BE SILENT, WOMAN!" Merasmus snarled. "BE SILENT, LEST I SUMMON MONOCULUS RIGHT IN THY EVIL FACE!"

Everyone stared at Merasmus, shocked, even the Administrator struck dumb. The wizard shook his head. "I cannot perpetuate the illusion you have forced me to aid in any longer, Helen. I am going to tell them," he said, his voice filled with shame. "Despite all my frustration with Soldier, he is my friend. And he and the others deserve to know the truth."

"You are being payed good money, wizard," the Administrator snarled.

Merasmus snarled right back at her.. "I shall return it all, for I have no need of it," he said. "RED Team, please, do not listen to this wicked mechanism's offer. I will be there in three days. And then I will explain why it is more important than you know that the BLU Team be found and brought back to this world."

The RED Team members traded worried looks. RED Engineer, RED Heavy, RED Sniper, RED Scout, and RED Demoman in particular looked hesitant.

"All right..." RED Engineer said after a long moment. "We'll listen. But this better be damn good."

Merasmus nodded. "That is all I ask," he said.

The Spybot seemed unperturbed. "All right, fair enough. But Mr. Mann's offer still stands," it said.

RED Soldier snarled and ripped open the Spybot's chest with his bare hands, the Spybot letting out a strangled squawk as it shut down.

To everyone's surprise, there was indeed a large wad of cash inside the machine's central power core.

"Huh," RED Scout said, pulling out the money. "That's freakin' weird..." He pocketed the cash.

RED Engineer scowled. "This had better be damn good..."

The Administrator, in her lair, scowled angrily at the wizard's defiance. If he told them the truth, it would make things... inconvenient.

She quirked an eyebrow. However, it may make them redouble their efforts to find the BLU Team and identify what the Rainbow of Darkness is. She smirked wickedly. I can forgive his defiance for now, I think...

Still, what that robot Spy had said was troubling. She picked up a phone and prepared to make some calls...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The next day...

Pony world...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"...she actually said that?" Engineer said, a pained expression on his face.

"Ja," Medic said, chuckling. "Rather charming, isn't she?"

Engineer groaned softly, he and all the others walking into the restaurant. To their surprise, they found Rarity there with two others. One was Nurse Redheart, from the local hospital. The other was a stallion in robes wearing a sun pendant around his neck. The two of them nodded in greeting.

Rarity smiled. "Welcome, everyone."

Heavy stared at the stallion in robes uncomfortably. "Who is robed stallion?" he rumbled.

Rarity never lost her winning smile. "An exorcist," she said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Twilight gave her an incredulous look. "Seriously?"

Medic quirked an eyebrow. "Remember, Fraulein, ghosts do exist," he said.

"Why do you have an exorcist and a nurse here?" Applejack asked, confused.

"For afterwards," Rarity said casually, worrying everyone. "Shall we sit down?" She motioned inside to the neatly set tables, all pushed together to make one long table, twenty-one spaces set up for everyone.

The group of them traded worried looks, and went to sit down at the table, the BLUs all taking spaces on one side, the Equestrian natives on the other side. They chatted amiably, the only real tension coming when Pinkie Pie asked about how the dinner went last night.

Heavy snickered. "Little show pony spent whole time flirting with Big Macintosh," he rumbled.

Trixie just grinned, waggling her eyebrows. Applejack muttered something under her breath, jabbing at the table with her fork.

And then the smell hit them.

"Eeeugh, what is that?" Trixie said, gagging as the smell oozed through the room.

Zecora, almost whimpering, covered her nose with her forelegs.

Medic cringed. "Vhy is a smell like my lab after I forget about an experiment for a few days coming from ze kitchen?"

Spy gagged. "ZAT is what I was reminded of, zank you," he said, shivering at the memory.

Rarity sniffed. "Ah. She must have improved her recipe," she said. "The smoke alarms aren't going off."

Everyone just stared at her, shocked.

Rarity smiled weakly. "Let me put it this way: growing up with my mother's cooking is the reason why I have a greater poison resistance than dragons."

"Ready!" Marsha chirped from the kitchen. She came sauntering out, her magic carting several trays of only the nicest person in the world would have called food, setting them down on the table. Magnum and Sweetie Belle came out, their own magic carting trays as well.

The others stared at the 'food' with a mix of horror and disgust. One of the trays was a bubbling, green and red pile of 'something' that may have had lasagna noodles it. Another was filled with charred disks of something unrecognizable. A large pitcher of something black and bubbling. Something brown and oozing. And other things that were no color that food should be.

Smiling, Marsha spooned up servings of the alleged food onto everyone's plates and bowls, the gathered ponies staring at it in alarm.

They all stared at it for a long moment. The only one actually eating was Rarity, who had eyes closed as she consumed her supposed meal.

The Equestrian natives all tried to think of something polite to say. Zecora was prepared to invent a 'zebra religious festival' that involved fasting as an excuse to get out of eating this. (The two seemed so ignorant anyway, they'd probably buy it.)

Scout was the first to find his voice. "What the hell is THIS crap?!" he shouted, gesturing to the red and green ooze on his plate.

Marsha smiled. "My special vegetable lasagna. Give it a try!"

"NO!" Scout said, gagging.

Heavy just sat there, fuming, his face slowly turning red from his growing fury.

Engineer shook his head. "Ma'am, I wouldn't give this to my ex-wife," he said. A strong statement, the other BLUs knew, as Engineer's hatred for his ex-wife Irene was legendary.

"I think mine is moving," Spy said, poking his so-called lasagna with his fork.

"I've seen better C-rations..." Soldier muttered.

"...Were ye trying te make explosives?" Demoman asked, confused. "Because I dinnae think any of this is actually edible."

"...Even Spike wouldn't eat this," Twilight said, deciding to break her own silence.

"I feel bad about sayin' this," Applejack said, "but thanks to to this I'm not feelin' as bad about that whole 'Baked Bads' fiasco..."

"Week old jarate smells better than this..." Sniper muttered.

"At least you don't have your sense of smell amped up," Rainbow Dash, gagging. "I'm just glad I can't see this mess..."

Trixie looked suspiciously at the alleged cuisine on her plate and in her bowl. "...Is this payback for that time I humiliated your daughter?" she asked, poking at the wobbling mass of red and green that Marsha claimed was lasagna.

"Mine IS moving..." Spy said, hesitantly poking at the supposed lasagna with a fork.

The lasagna burbled, the fork sinking into it as if devoured. Spy shrieked in fright and leaped up to a light fixture, disappearing. Pyro, who had been watching, eeped and set the mass on fire, while Fluttershy, who had been across from Spy, hid underneath the table.

Rarity just smiled, calmly eating her not-food. She felt a little bad about not admonishing everypony, but sometimes you needed to hear criticism to improve. And Magnum had done nothing but praise Marsha's atrocious cooking for years...

Marsha huffed. "Now really, is that a nice thing to say?" she said. "And I worked so hard on it, too."

Heavy's face got redder and redder.

Medic glared at her. "Fraulein. I am a sadist of the vurst sort. The cruel things I enjoy doing vould give you nightmares for years and traumatize young Sweetie Belle into insanity."

Sweetie Belle blinked, confused. "Really? You seem very nice to me," she said.

Medic allowed a smirk. "Ze point is, Fraulein, zat for all of my cruelty, even I vouldn't give this to somevun!"

Magnum frowned. "That's kinda rude," he said.

"Oh, I haven't even begun..." Medic said.

"Now now," Pinkie Pie said, deciding to be the voice of reason. "I'm sure it's all perfectly tasty. Rarity's eating it, after all."

"Rarity said she has a stomach of steel," Zecora said. "You'd need one to survive this so-called meal..."

Pinkie Pie wanted desperately to agree. But she had to be nice. "Well, we won't know until we try, right?" she said, picking up a glass of black sludge. "What's this?"

"Prench toast!" Sweetie Belle said, grinning.

Pinkie Pie's smile became very forced. The baker in her was mortally offended. "Prench toast! How... interesting!" She raised the glass in a toast. "To good friends," she said, and drank it down.

She collapsed the instant she set the glass down, right in front of where Fluttershy was hiding.

"EEP!" Fluttershy squeaked.

"What?! What's happening?!" Rainbow Dash demanded.

"PINKIE'S DEAD!" Fluttershy shrieked.

"AAAH! YOU KILLED PINKIE!" Rainbow Dash yelled at Rarity's parents.

Medic leaped over the table, quickly checking on Pinkie. "She's still alive," he said, "but barely. NURSE!"

Nurse Redheart came running in, spotting Pinkie immediately. "Wow, she wasn't kidding about this..." she said, running over and pulling out a fold-out stretcher from her saddlebags. Medic nodded, and levitated her onto the stretcher, the two of them running out with her and heading for the hospital.

Rarity sighed. "I'm truly sorry, everypony," she said. "I never meant for anypony to get hurt."

Applejack patted her reassuringly. "It's okay, sugarcube. You didn't know yer ma's cookin' was toxic..."

"YOU KILLED PINKIE!" Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash chorused at Rarity's parents, who were watching the whole scene with bafflement.

Sweetie Belle came up to Engineer, frowning. "Will Pinkie Pie be all right?"

Engineer smiled at her and said, "Don't worry, little darlin.' Medic doesn't let anyone die on him." Even if they want to, he mentally added.

Marsha and Magnum frowned, looking over the recipe. "That shouldn't have happened..." Marsha said. "Maybe there was too much rock salt?"

There was the sound of steam coming from a teakettle. Heavy stood up, and everything in the room stopped. Sweetie Belle eeped and backed up when Heavy looked at her, backing up to her suddenly terrified parents. There was no expression on Heavy's face as he stormed up to them.

Rarity gulped. "Um... Heavy... Please don't smush them. They get on my nerves from time to time, but they are my family and I love them dearly..." she said, grinning weakly.

"Heavy, mate... I really don't think it's necessary to crush them... The doc'll fix Pinkie up right as rain," Sniper said.

Heavy ignored them. He scooped up Scout's undrunk glass of supposed Prench Toast and held it up to them.

"Prench toast," he rumbled. Magnum, Marsha, and Sweetie Belle nodded quickly. Heavy snorted, setting the glass down and glaring at it. "Prench toast..." he muttered shaking his head.

He turned to the cornered unicorns once more... and smiled. "Aw, isn't that cute?" he said, patting Sweetie Belle on the head.

The filly beamed, nuzzling into Heavy's hoof.

"BUT IT'S WRONG!" he bellowed, the force of his roar knocking Magnum, Marsha, and Sweetie Belle through the wall, Fluttershy eeping and hiding again. He stomped his hoof, shaking the room.

"Engineer! Demoman! Spy!" he roared.

Spy appeared near him as Engineer and Demoman came up to him. "Come," Heavy rumbled. "Gather terrible chef ponies. We cook like men. IT IS TIME."

The other three BLUs traded frowns. Heavy blinked. "What is wrong?"

"Well..." Engineer said. "It's not the same, really, unless we can get bacon involved."

"Aye," Demoman said. "And Jack Daniels..."

Rainbow Dash blinked. "We have bacon," she said. "It's not meat bacon, it's tofu bacon and hay bacon, but it tastes about the same."

"How do you even know what regular bacon tastes like?" Applejack asked.

"Gilda got me to try some when we were in flight school," she said. "It wasn't too bad, and I didn't get too sick afterwards."

Applejack frowned. "Anyway... If Jack Daniels is what ah think if is, then we got that too. An Earth Pony with that name made it a few years back, trying to replicate True Moonshine. Berry should have it in her shop."

The BLUs stared at them for a moment, grins coming to their faces.

"What are you up to?" Rarity asked, confused.

Heavy smirked, pulling out a pair of sunglasses from his shirt and putting them on. "You will see," he said, picking up Rarity's parents and shaking them like a saltshaker, several bits pouring out.

"SOLDIER! SNIPER!" Heavy bellowed. "Go retrieve bacon!" he said, pushing some of the bits towards them.

Soldier saluted again, smacking himself in the face with his hoof. "Ow. Sir, yes sir! How much bacon, sir?"

"ALL OF THE BACON!" Heavy rumbled. "And send in exorcist. Kitchen is profaned by terrible cooking ponies."

Soldier nodded, scooping up the money and running out, Sniper following after him

"Demoman," Heavy said, pushing the rest of the bits to him. "Retrieve Jack Daniels from leetle booze pony!"

"On it, lad!" he said, dashing out with the cash, passing the exorcist as he came in, nodding politely to everyone as he headed into the kitchen.

"Pyro," Heavy said, gesturing to the mass of goo on the table. "Take this out back and BURN IT!"

"With gusto!" Pyro said, levitating the tablecloths so that they scooped up the alleged food, tying them all into a bag.

"What's going on?" Twilight said, turning to Scout, who had an excited grin on his face.

"This is gonna be cool," he said. "Sometimes, between war game assignments, there'd be big lulls in action. So to pass the time, we'd have to come up with stuff to do to entertain ourselves. One of the things Heavy came up with was recruiting the best chefs among us to make these huge, utterly epic meals about of absurd amounts of meat, especially bacon. They'd use a lot of booze in the cooking, too, mainly Jack Daniels." He chuckled. "Should be interesting to see if they can come up with a vegetarian version."

Twilight, Rarity, and the others traded interested looks. After a moment, Rarity said, "I'm going to go check on Pyro. If just a taste did that to Pinkie, I'm not sure what the smell of it burning will do to Pyro."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Pyroland...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"I swear, Mister Balloonicorn," Pyro said, "that was the worst food I've ever seen! The lasagna ate Spy's fork!"

"Wow," Balloonicorn said. "That IS bad!"

She scowled at the pile in the bag. "Even the smell is bad. I mean, look, it's scaring Baron Kittenford!" she said, gesturing out the window at a caped kitten in a crown holding his nose in disgust, slowly backing away from the restaurant. "Even the flowers are nauseated!" Pyro added, noting the nearby flowerbeds filled with flowers that were holding their leaves over their mouths instead of singing like they normally did.

"Did it really KO Pinkie Pie that quickly?" Balloonicorn asked, bouncing alongside Pyro. "From what I've seen of her, she looks like she could eat a truck and not even belch."

"It was THAT BAD, Mister Balloonicorn," Pyro said, shaking her head as she went out the back door, pulling the bag of so-called food with her. She dumped the bag down in front of her, crafting a quick fire pit so things wouldn't go out of control, and shook her head, sighing. "Sakes," she said. "So much sillyness. Well, time to get to work."

She lowered her head, her horn glowing. From it came a swirl of colorful rainbows, sparkles, and bubbles, the pile of alleged food quickly becoming engulfed by it. The hideous mass, to Pyro's eyes, became beautiful, a great and mighty swirl of rainbows and colorful sparkles spiraling up towards the sky, the flecks of rainbows becoming beautiful butterflies that flew into the sky and disappeared.

Pyro sighed in contentment.

"Beautiful as always, Pyro," Balloonicorn said, smiling.

Pyro grinned. "Thank you, Mister Balloonicorn. Sometimes the foulest things make the most beautiful rainbows."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Reality...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Rarity came up behind Pyro, frowning as she heard her talking to herself. She had been told about Pyroland, and wasn't sure how to react. The column of fire that the not-food had become was massive, an ominous pillar of red and orange. Thankfully, there was no toxic scent, just a column of smoke rising into the sky.

Pyro was smiling at it, a look of pure contentment on her face.

Rarity coughed. "Pyro? Is everything all right?"

Pyro blinked, turning to Rarity and smiling. "Sure! Just watching the rainbows," she said. "It's amazing how something so disgusting can be made beautiful, y'know?"

Rarity grinned nervously. "Yes... Yes, I suppose so," she said, looking at the crackling, smoldering pile.

Pyro blinked. "Oh! Have you met Mister Balloonicorn?" she said, gesturing beside her.

Rarity blinked. "Aaah..."

Pyro looked at the air beside her. "I know she can't see you, I just thought it would be nice for her to meet you."

Rarity frowned. This was beyond awkward. "...Very nice to meet you, Mister Balloonicorn," she said.

Pyro nodded to the space where Balloonicorn was supposed to be. After a moment, Pyro gasped, and said, "REALLY Mister Balloonicorn! I know you're lonely since your wife left you, but that isn't appropriate to say at all!" She paused, as if Balloonicorn was responding, and said, "Good, you should apologize to her! She's a proper lady, and you should be kind to proper ladies!"

Rarity cringed. "Do I even want to know what he's doing?"

"...Probably not," Pyro said after a moment, glaring at Balloonicorn.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Pyroland...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"...You're right, I'm sorry," Balloonicorn said, bowing to Rarity. "It's just... frustrating. You're all such beautiful mares..."

Pyro blushed. "Aww, why thank you. But you still shouldn't say such lewd things."

"I'll behave in the future. I just wish that you had imagined some anatomy on me. I mean, I like being a balloon, but really, a guy can only take so much," he protested.

Pyro blushed. "You know I don't like thinking about that stuff unless Engie is involved."

Balloonicorn chuckled. "Well, I'll figure something out," he said, kissing her. "You better start talking to Rarity again, I think she's getting weirded out."

Rarity smiled cheerfully at her. "Is there anything I can help you with?" Rarity chirped, bouncing happily around Pyro. "Because we are super duper awesomest best friends, and that is what amazingly radical best friends like us do!"

Pyro giggled. "Nah, I got everything under control. It's pretty contained back here so nothing will become pretty that isn't supposed to. Shall we go back in?"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Reality...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"...Very well then," Rarity said, more confused than ever. Pyro skipping along like Pinkie Pie behind her, they went back into the main dining hall, where Marsha was arguing with Heavy.

"I really don't think the exorcist is necessary," she said. "I mean, just because I'm apparently not as good a cook as I think I am..."

About twelve Windigos flew out of the kitchen.

Everyone stared incredulously at the creatures as they left, save for Heavy, who just glared at Marsha.

"STUPID!" he declared.

"...Yeah, I'm going to have to go with Heavy on this," Rarity said.

"I have no idea how that happened," Marsha said softly.

The exorcist came out of the kitchen, grinning. "All clean. And I think I found the problem," he said, holding up a book. On the title was the word 'Chefinomicon.'

"The vendor I got it from said it was a book with rare recipes..." Magnum said, looking embarrassed.

Twilight gagged. "Yeah, no. If it has 'nomicon' in the title then nine times out of ten it's an evil book," she said, daintily taking the book from the exorcist. "I'll get this to the Princess so she can have it contained properly," she added, heading out. "I'll also check on Pinkie Pie before I come back."

As she left, Rarity came up to the exorcist. "Thanks for doing this. How much do I owe you?"

The exorcist grinned. "Free of charge," he said. "I never thought I'd be able to put exorcising WINIDGOS on my resume. The rep boost alone in the metaphysics community is worth it!"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Berry's Winery...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Demoman came in the door, smiling. "Berry me lass, are ye in?" he said.

"As always," Berry Punch said from the counter, smiling.

Demoman grinned and came over to her, placing money on the table. "I need all the Jack Daniels ye got, lassie," he said. "We're makin' some epic food and we need all the Jack I can git with this."

Berry quirked an eyebrow, interested. "All right. Lemme gather up what you can get with this," she said, heading out from behind the counter to search her shelves.

As she searched, her daughter, Ruby Pinch, peered around the corner. She smiled when she spotted Demoman. "Hihi, Mister Demo!"

Demoman chuckled. "Och, Pinchy me lass. Ridiculously cute as always, I see?" he said. "And I told ye and yuir mum that ye can call me Tavish."

Ruby blushed. "Okay Tavish," she said. "Hugs?"

Demoman chuckled. "It's always grand to receive hugs from a wee bairne like yuirself," he said. Ruby giggled, and ran over to him, hugging him tightly.

Berry smiled warmly. She wondered, briefly, if he was the father for Ruby that she had always wanted...

Time enough to think about that later, she thought, gathering the bottles. "Here's everything," she said, putting them in a disposable plastic saddlebag.

Demoman grinned. "Thank ye lass," he said. He started to leave, when he hesitated, looking back at Berry. He had become rather fond of the wine seller, to his surprise. And for some reason he was beginning to find himself wanting to do more with her.

"Do ye want to come with us, lassie? We'll be making more than enough for everyone," he said.

Berry blinked, and blushed, a thoughtful look coming to her face. "Well... I usually close early today anyway, so... Ruby, you up for a trip?"

Ruby giggled, hopping onto her mother's back. "Yay, field trip!" she said.

Demoman grinned.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The local grocery store...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Soldier and Sniper stood before the sample woman, calmly tasting the product she was sampling.

She smiled. "So what do you think?" she said. "Is our new maple honey hay bacon a taste treat?"

Soldier and Sniper swallowed the samples they ate, and looked at each other, nodding.

"We like it," Sniper said.

"We'll take all of it," Soldier added, scooping all of the packages into their cart with the other bacon packages they had with them.

The sample woman blinked. And then she grinned. "That much of a sale all at once? I'm so getting a bonus for this," she said.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Later...

The restaurant...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Soldier, Demoman, and Sniper returned from their missions, presenting their items to Heavy.

"Bacon retrieved, sir!" Soldier said, saluting and hitting himself with his hoof. "Ow."

Heavy nodded. "Good," he said. "Now we teach terrible cooking ponies how to REALLY cook. Because it is time."

He reared up onto his hind legs, and bellowed, "Now is EPIC COOKING TIME!"

With a cheer, Engineer, Demoman, and Spy all ran into the kitchen, dragging Rarity's family with them.

What happened then could only be described as raw magic as the four chefs set to work, making Marsha, Magnum, and Sweetie Belle take note of everything they did. Bacon was weaved into planks, vegetables were chopped up for stew, homemade dough masses in the dozens were made, some of them intermixed with the Jack Daniels. Noodles were cooked for macaroni and cheese, gravy was whipped up, cream was concocted...

Throughout the whole preparation, there was a strong sense of camaraderie as the mercenaries assisted each other with their own projects, heavenly smells coming from the kitchen as the meals were prepared.

And as Marsha watched, she began realize how badly she had been bungling her cooking all her life. Something about how they crafted the edible artwork they were making... it opened a doorway in her that she had been keeping shut her entire life.

Sniper came up to Rainbow Dash, who had her eyes closed and was just letting the glorious scents coming from the kitchen waft over her.

"Starting to get it, eh Dasher?" Sniper said.

Rainbow Dash blinked. "Huh?"

Sniper chuckled. "I saw the way you were smellin' the air just now. You're not as crippled as you think you are," he said. "You just have to know how to work with what you have. To stop and smell the bacon, as it were."

A thoughtful look came over Rainbow Dash's face as she processed what he was saying.

In the kitchen, Heavy grabbed Marsha around the shoulders and pulled her towards Engineer, who was currently flipping the bacon weaves he had created.

"Sssh," Heavy said in a surprisingly quiet voice when she tried to protest. "We must savor this moment." He gestured to the bacon weaves as they were being flipped, Engineer shaking his head and chuckling. Heavy inhaled deeply, sighing contentedly. "Is bacon zen. We must take this moment to savor the finer things in life. Like friends. And bacon."

"And alcohol," Demoman said, taking a large swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Marsha just stared at Engineer, who shrugged.

Twilight teleported in a few minutes later, grinning widely as the smells coming from the kitchen. "Oh wow..." she said.

"How's Pinkie?" Fluttershy asked, Rainbow Dash turning towards the sound of Twilight's voice.

Twilight grinned. "She's gonna be fine," she said. "It was just a really bad case of food poisoning. She'll be okay by tomorrow morning. Medic's going to be along himself in a few minutes, once he checks on some patients."

The two pegasi sighed in relief.

Soon after that, the cooking was done. Spy came out carting two trays of delicious, delicate-looking pastries on his head and rump, setting them gently on the table. Demoman came out with several noodle dishes, including several forms of macaroni and cheese. Scout grinned when he saw that one of the dishes had cheese curds and Jack Daniels gravy in it, a personal favorite of his. Engineer came out carting several huge salads and fruit concoctions with his magic, all of them with bacon strips or bacon weaves in them. Finally, Heavy came out with a massive vegetable and cheese lasagna, setting it down in the center of the table. He went back into the kitchen and came out again, this time with a massive plate of thick sandwiches.

"Ooooh..." Rarity said, cooing.

"Oh wow..." Twilight said, her eyes starry and excited.

"That is..." Rainbow Dash said, grinning, "That smells like pure heaven."

"Oh my..." Fluttershy said, a huge grin on her face.

"That's some mighty fine cookin,'" Applejack said, visibly impressed.

"Incredible..." Zecora said softly, admiring the spread.

"Simply fantastic!" Trixie said, almost drooling at the lasagna.

"Oh wowie, that's tasty looking," Derpy said, her eyes almost going straight from how intensely she was looking at the exquisite food.

Berry Punch grinned widely. "SO glad I decided to come to this," she said.

Heavy smirked. "Now, we eat. Enjoy mass quantities, and savor this meal," he said, starting to dish up the food for everyone.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Afterwards...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The meal was exquisite. Everyone left with full bellies and a sense of contentment. Marsha had left in good spirits, apologizing for her earlier attempt at a meal and wanting to try some of the recipes herself. Everyone else parted ways, heading for their homes, or in Sweetie's case, heading back with Ruby Pinch to gather the other Cutie Mark Crusaders for a sleepover, the four fillies wanting to have some fun together before bedtime.

Twilight oofed, licking her lips. "Delicious! I don't think I've eaten that much since I first came to Ponyville," she said, remembering when she first met the extended Apple family.

Zecora chuckled, stifling a burp. "'Twas quite an epic meal indeed. Something quite delicious on which to feed," she said, turning towards Everfree.

"Heading back for the night, zen?" Spy said.

Zecora nodded. "Tomorrow is another day, a new chance to work and perhaps even play."

Spy nodded, and bowed grandly. "Zen au revoir for now, ma chérie," he said, Zecora blushing. He turned, and headed back for Carousel Boutique with Rarity, the others going their seperate ways as well.

"Well, that wasn't as painful as I thought it would be," she said, sighing.

"Hopefully, our little cooking experiment helped teach her zat sludge is nothing somezing zat should be edible," Spy muttered.

The two of them chuckled. Rarity sighed. "Really, mother and father... They're good ponies, they're just... out of touch, and times..."

Spy smiled gently. "I will not begrudge someone their affection for their family, Miss Rarity," he said, softly adding, "I have come to appreciate the value of family, even if it is far too late in my case..."

The two of them bantered lightly throughout the evening, eventually calling it a night and both going to their beds, falling asleep quickly.

But soon after, Spy woke up, an uncomfortable feeling rising in him.

"Zecora?" he said softly, looking in the direction of Everfree.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Zecora's hut...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Zecora awoke with a start when she heard knocking on her door. Yawning, she went over to it, opening it and finding Apple Bloom standing there, a big smile on her face.

"Apple Bloom!" Zecora said, startled. "The Everfree is not safe at night! One misstep and you're in a bad plight!"

Apple Bloom shook her head. "Aw, shucks. Ah've been out here enough to know every safe path," she said, chuckling. "Ah just wanted to stop by and thank y'all again for helpin' us with chasin' off Flim and Flam."

Zecora smiled benevolently. "A pleasure it was to send them afar," she said, looking around the clearing, "But if I may ask... who knows where you are?"

Apple Bloom blushed. "Ah'm kinda supposed to be at a sleepover at Berry Punch's with Ruby Pinch and the rest of the Crusaders. Ah slipped out when everypony was asleep, so no one knows ah came."

Zecora quirked an eyebrow, and nodded. "Very well," she said, "Come in and sit. We shall have snacks, and talk for a bit."

Apple Bloom blinked. "Are y'sure? Ah wouldn't want to impose."

Zecora shook her head, smiling. "Not at all, dear friend. Come in and alight. And I'll go see what we have for a bite."

Zecora went into her kitchen as Apple Bloom came in and began looking around, smiling at the tribal masks and making funny faces at them. Before long, though, Zecora came out again, smirking.

"That was quick," Apple Bloom said. "Whatcha find t'eat?"

"Some stew would be nice, is what I thought. But first the main ingredient has to be caught," she said. And before Apple Bloom could react, Zecora blew a white powder in her face. The filly groaned, staggering back a few feet, and fell unconscious.

When she woke again, she found herself in a cauldron of water, surrounded by vegetables. She looked up, seeing that the lid was shut, and tried to push it off. To her dismay, she found that it was locked shut.

"Zecora?" she said, pushing on the lid. "W-What's going on?"

Zecora, outside, grinned savagely as she started the fire underneath the cauldron. "As I said, my dear friend, I'm making a stew. But in this case, the main ingredient is YOU."

Apple Bloom went wide-eyed, and began pounding furiously on the cauldron, pleading with Zecora to let her go. But the lid and cauldron were both bolted down, too heavy for the young filly to move. And to her horror, the water in the cast iron cauldron was getting warmer.

Zecora laughed. "Oh, Pinkie's face would be such a delight, when she sees her first impression was completely RIGHT!" she said.

"Zecora!" Apple Bloom begged. "Please! Lemme outta here! It's getting hotter, Zecora!"

"Oh the evil enchantress who does evil dances, she smiles and fools them all," the zebra declared. "And one by one I'll lure them here, and into my belly they'll fall!"

The heat of the water was getting intense, bubbles rising from the bottom as Apple Bloom tried anything and everything she could to try and knock over the cauldron. "PLEASE! ZECORA, LET ME GO! IT BURNS, ZECORA!"

Zecora just grinned, dancing around the cauldron, as Apple Bloom's pleas became louder and more desperate, changing to agonized screams as she was boiled alive inside the cauldron.

Finally, there was no more sound coming from the cast iron cauldron. Zecora licked her lips and grinned. "The meat is dead, at last I win. And soon, very soon, my feast will begin."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Zecora's hut...

Reality...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Zecora awoke with a gasp, tears streaming down her face. She got up and quickly began searching through every cauldron she owned, trying to see if she actually had killed Apple Bloom. When she couldn't find her anywhere, she ran out of her hut, heading directly for Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack was in the kitchen getting a midnight snack when she heard the frantic knocking. She yawned, and headed for the doorway.

"All right, all right," she said, "ah'm comin." She yawned again, opening the door... and gasped.

Zecora was standing there, and she looked a frightful mess. Her mohawk was unkempt and flattened in places, tears streaming down her face, a look of sheer terror in her eyes. The zebra forced a smile on her face as she said, "Forgive me for disturbing you on this fine night, but I wonder if I could see if Apple Bloom is all right?"

Applejack noted how Zecora's voice started to crack as she finished her sentence, and realized what had happened. She's had her nightmare... and it was about Apple Bloom... "She's at Berry Punch's place, having a sleepover with Ruby and the other Crusaders."

Zecora turned and started to run off.

"WAIT!" Applejack called out. Zecora turned to her, the zebra's expression one of terror and agony.

She shook her head, and said, "The fear that I've killed her is too much to endure! I have to see her breathing so that I can be sure!"

Zecora turned to run again, only for Spy to appear in her path.

"Get out of my way!" she shrieked desperately.

"Do you even know where the wine seller's house is?" Spy asked gently.

That gave Zecora pause. Spy nodded, and motioned for her to follow, Applejack galloping behind them as they ran towards town, eventually arriving at Berry Punch's residence. The Crusaders were all sleeping outside in a tent, all contentedly snoozing.

Zecora almost collapsed in relief, tears flowing down her face.

"See, sugarcube? Apple Bloom's all right," Applejack said.

Zecora turned to look at Applejack and tried to speak. But she couldn't, breaking down and sobbing, Spy catching her as she leaned backwards. The very idea of her doing something like that happening to Apple Bloom, to her first friend in Ponyville, who trusted her immediately... it was too much to bear for the zebra.

Applejack and Spy traded worried looks, Spy gently stroking Zecora's head and softly singing to her in French. Both assassin and apple farmer resolved to talk to Twilight in the morning. There HAD to be a way to block the dreams.

Because now there were only five Elements of Harmony who hadn't had nightmares yet. And they had a terrible feeling that number would be going doing quickly...

TO BE CONTINUED...