Do You Really Want to Know?
Chapter 2
Previous ChapterDo You Really Want to Know Two: Electric Boogaloo
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic by Friendly Uncle
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that while we often consider it to be a simple courtesy, knocking before you enter a room is really vitally important. Also, if you do open a door to find two of your friends engaging in some very alternative research into the magic of friendship, running away and screaming for help because you think one of your friends is assaulting the other one with a riding crop is perhaps not the best course of action. We managed to explain to Applejack what was going on eventually, but she still won't let any of us leave her alone with Fluttershy for any length of time. On the plus side, now we know why Rainbow Dash has been getting hurt so much lately, and why she won't stop smiling all the time.
Oh yes, and I have to thank you very much for your gift! The package arrived today and I have rarely been so excited! Just a cursory glance through the books you've sent me revealed tomes hundreds of years old. I can't wait to dig in and see what I can learn from these precious volumes. Rest assured that I will keep you updated on my studies and if I make any new discoveries regarding either the magic of friendship or magic itself you will be the first pony to know of it. Thank you again!
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,
Oh dear, poor Applejack! I must confess, I know how she feels. Why, only the other day I forgot to knock before entering my sister's room only to find her and her servant Sund...
LIES ALL LIES!
So sorry about that, Luna happened to be reading over my shoulder and apparently she doesn't want just anypony to know the details of what she gets up to in her spare time.
Yes Luna I am writing down everything exactly the way I'm saying it. No I'm not going to use a fresh scroll. No I am not going to invite Twilight to join y-
And... thEn... th ey... all... F~
Alright she's gone now. We have certainly all learned a very valuable lesson today, although if I were you I might discreetly slip one of your friends the scroll I am including with this letter, which details a number of basic techniques for minimizing and hiding whip marks. They might find it useful. How is Fluttershy by the way? Luna has been an avid fan of her work, and we were both curious to know how she reacted to the discovery that we'd read her story. I've included a copy with a few corrections regarding anatomy and grammar that I felt would improve the narrative. Luna provided the additional illustrations, though I've left a few of them out because nopony needs to see that.
I have to admit though, I don't really know what you mean regarding the package of books? I haven't sent you any mail recently except via Spike, and I'm sure I would remember sending a box with a number of old books inside. Perhaps they were your books that were left behind at Canterlot that were sent to you belatedly? Strange.
Your Mentor,
Princess Celestia of Equestria
Dear Princess Celestia,
That is very strange. The crate arrived yesterday via pegasus post, and it bears the royal seal and a note signed by you, telling me to enjoy the contents. It's a pretty big box too, nine hands on a side, and it contains fifty-six books, some of them rather large. I'm sure it simply slipped your mind, considering all the work you have to do on a daily basis. I'd forget things too if I had half as much to remember.
Anyway, Fluttershy appreciated the scroll. She was apparently very embarrassed that Rainbow Dash has been going around showing off the marks to anypony that will look. She also appreciates your critique of her work, though she says that what we read was just a first draft. Fluttershy claims her writing is just a hobby, but with all of the animals she takes care of I know she's got to be bringing in more money than the stipend she receives as Ponyville's animal service worker. I've been going through the library's romance section to see if any of the authors' writing styles are familiar, but I haven't found anything yet. I will continue searching tirelessly, however. Uh, for science.
And for the record, when I told her that you and Luna had found her story and assumed it was from me, she turned as red as an apple and opened her mouth really wide, to the point that I thought she was hyperventilating until Spike came downstairs and asked what that "infernal screaming" was. Apparently dragons can hear at much higher frequencies than ponies can. Pinkie Pie managed to snap her out of it by sticking her tongue in Fluttershy's ear and after some tea and bunny rabbits she was alright, but if you or Luna ever happen to find yourselves in Ponyville and see a yellow and pink streak heading in the opposite direction that's why.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,
I will take that into consideration the next time I visit. Maybe I'll bring Phillomena with me to coax her out of hiding? It might be a good idea to keep Fluttershy and Luna apart for a little while though. Luna's gotten some very... odd ideas about your friends, and she's been making some questionable purchases lately. I'm sure Fluttershy would look lovely in the corset, but...
In any case, I'm afraid I really have no idea where that box could have come from. Well, obviously from me if my seal is on it, but... well I really don't remember sending anything. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. I've asked a number of the guards and servants but none of them seem to remember sending it either, so it's probably... not just me...
Oh dear, I think I drifted off for a moment there. I don't mind admitting this is really starting to bug me. Either I've completely blanked out sending a crate through the mail (of all things to forget) or somepony is impersonating me. I'm not sure which possibility is more worrisome. What books were included in the package? I have been setting a few aside to send to you, but never thought I'd actually gotten around to doing so. Perhaps we can glean a few clues from the contents of the box.
Your Mentor,
Princess Celestia of Equestria
Dear Princess Celestia,
I don't wish to second guess your majesty's decisions, but are you entirely sure you're taking this seriously enough? If somepony is impersonating you then this is possibly a major security breach. I mean, obviously whoever is responsible is not being terribly intelligent about it if they're using your seal to send packages to a pony that is in frequent contact with you and would quickly discover if something was wrong, but using your seal and signature to give fake legitimacy to a document is potentially very dangerous in the wrong hooves. Were I in your situation I would be taking a close look at the security measures in place.
As for the possibility that you've simply forgotten... oh Celestia, I can't imagine what anypony would do if... wait, no, Spike, don't write that part. Well scratch it out!
Okay, the books that were sent to me are mostly books on magic or ancient history, most of them fairly old themselves. Many of them were written by authors I've never heard of before, and a few were written by your majesty. I'm in the middle of a tome detailing the progress of the Ponic Wars at the moment, and it seems to have been written by a pony that witnessed the conflict first hoof, which would mark the original edition of the book as being at least eight centuries old. I've already finished a grimoire entitled The Equestrian Arcanum which seemed to list every individual spell known to have been performed by magic, unicorn or otherwise, within the existing body of Equestrian myth. Not very useful for practical applications but invaluable in directing my research. Really, I have to wonder if perhaps you had arranged for these books to be sent to me and one of your servants undertook the task without telling you that it had been done? It seems possible.
If that's not it, I feel the need to ask, is this the only thing you've found yourself forgetting? If there are other gaps in your memory then this might be a... a systemic problem of some kind... oh Spike, what are we going to do? If Princess Celestia is going senile then... WHY ARE YOU STILL WRITING THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH-
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am terribly sorry about that last scroll. I was working on a rough draft with Spike and he became agitated and accidentally flamed it before it was done.
Please don't be angry, I'm just worried.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
To My Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,
It's alright. I understand your concerns, and please believe that I share them. However as near as I have been able to determine this mysterious crate is the only anomaly in my memory, so I don't think that I am suffering any kind of dementia. I am sure that my servants or guards would have mentioned any anomalous behavior.
I mean, there was that one time I greased myself up with butter and slid around on the floor of the ballroom singing "Come Sail Away," but last I checked drinking five bottles of vodka doesn't count as going senile.
... come to think of it, that might explain the crate too. I don't usually mail things when I get hammered, but stranger things have happened...
Regardless, you may rest assured that I am taking all appropriate measures to ensure that there has not been a security breach within Canterlot, and I am confident that my agents will discover any wrongdoing. We will get to the bottom of whatever is going on here, and I imagine it will probably seem amusing in retrospect.
In the meantime, why don't you continue your studies? If I recall correctly, the book you are currently reading is a memoir by Colto the Elder. I would take his judgements on the wars with a grain of salt, considering he is the statestallion who urged for them to continue. The conflict as a whole was a sad and terrible thing, but may have been much less painful for all involved without his sabre rattling. Nonetheless he does paint a detailed picture of what the wars were like. Does the crate contain any tomes by Ponysephus? He lived at a much later time but researched his subjects thoroughly and generally had a much more neutral perspective.
Your Mentor,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I've learned that when you're concerned about somepony that you care for deeply it can be counterproductive to hide your fears from them. If you are worried about your friend you should openly and honestly admit to them that you care about their well being, and work towards a solution together. Also, if your friend tells you not to worry, then barring evidence to the contrary it is best to believe them when they tell you they're alright.
The crate does contain a number of books by Ponysephus, but at the moment I'm most interested in a book I found at the bottom that appears to have a lock on it. I'm confident I can open it though, I have a lot of spells for that. The title is in Old Equuish, but I believe it translates as "Pony Sutra, the Art of Friendship." As you can imagine, I am quite excited! Ancient research into the magic of friendship could shed so much light on my own findings and on the differences in the ways ponies have viewed friendship throughout the ages! I'm going to bed early tonight so I'll be able to get up bright and early and crack this sucker open. I will be sure to inform you of my findings.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,
That is possibly the sweetest letter you've yet written to me Twilight, and it makes me very happy to know I have helped you in your research. The book you've discovered sounds quite interesting, though I don't kno-
Actually, now that I think about it I do know what book you have and I am going to respectfully suggest that you don't read it Twilight. In fact I think you ought to send it back to me via Spike at the earliest available opportunity. There are some forms of friendship that I think are possibly too advanced for a scholar of your tender years. I do hope you understand.
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am very sorry, but your last letter was a little too late. As it turns out, I think I may have slightly mistranslated the title.
The illustrations weren't drawn from life, where they? I mean, the artist just took a few liberties and used your image because of your role as a fertility goddess, right?
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
Twilight Sparkle,
You may find this somewhat difficult to entirely understand, but in the age when this book was written it was actually considered very prestigious for a young mare to pose for such a tome. And the stallions I was posing with were... very handsome. And generous. And very nearly inexhaustible.
Alcohol may have been involved.
Given that you haven't sent the book back, I presume you are continuing to study it. I suppose it was about time anyway. Just be careful about practicing what you learn. Many of the positions in the latter half of the book should not be attempted by amateurs under any circumstances.
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm sorry, I would have sent the book back, but I'm afraid my curiosity got the best of me. It has been very informative.
I think I might have also solved the mystery of how I came into possession of this crate. Directly underneath the Pony Sutra I found a large indigo feather that I have identified as belonging to a pegasus pony of unusual stature, and containing traces of unusually potent magic. Magic such as one might suspect to find on the wing of a pony who was also a unicorn.
I leave it to your infinite wisdom to decide what must be done with this information.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Hello! This is Princess Luna. I was writing to ask if perhaps I could stay with you for a few days? My sister is in a bit of a mood at the moment and I thought perhaps I should give her some time to herself. I'll just go on ahead and come over tonight and you know what there's no reason to make up a guest bed for me or anything I'm just going to hide under yours. Please don't tell Celestia I sent you this or where I am she can be a little overprotective sometimes and I'd just like to get her out of my mane for a bit, I'm sure you know how it is.
-Luna
Twilight,
Have you seen Luna? I can't find her anywhere lately, and I am getting a bit worried. I have something very important to discuss with her regarding sending pornography with me in it to my students and then afterwards I thought I might just SEND HER BACK TO THE FUCKING MOON!
Your Mentor,
Princess Celestia
-The End
(For now?)