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Irritated by Hasbro's new line of so-called My Little Ponies and desperate for publicity, the little ponies have agreed to help promote a variety of products. Not surprisingly, Applejack was selected to advertise Applejacks cereal. These three commercial takes should reveal his ill-fated relationship with the cereal advertisers.

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Voice off screen:
Take one!

Two siblings, a boy and a girl, sit in the doorway of their clubhouse holding brimming bowls of Applejacks cereal. Applejack (the pony) sits beside them with his own bowl of cereal.

Girl:
Oh, how I love Applejacks cereal!

Boy:
It tastes so good! Mmmm!

Applejack (unenthused):
And it has ten essential vitamins. Oh boy.

Dad (walking by):
How come you kids hang out with that pony so much? He doesn't TASTE like apples!

Combination of a "clock ticking" sound and a "beating of his hideous heart" horror movie sound.

Applejack (breaking the tension):
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Applejack leaps up and runs screaming from the set.

Director (offscreen):
CUT!! Herb, the line is "How come you kids eat that CEREAL so much"! "CEREAL"!

Dad (aka Herb):
Oops! Right. Sorry.

Director:
What have I told you? Practice, practice, practice! (to the gofer) Bob, would you please get Applejack back here?

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Same kids, same pony, but now they're sitting at a kitchen table.

Director's voice:
Okay guys, ready to try the new commercial?

Boy and girl:
Yeah!

Applejack:
Um, yeah.

Director:
You've studied the scripts a little, so let's try running through this, okay?

The kids and pony nod.

Director:
Take one! Action!

Boy:
Applejacks cereal is the BEST!

Girl:
It sure is!

Boy:
Why do we . . . um . . . like it . . .

Director:
CUT! Johnny, the line is "Why do we love it so much? We just do!" And then, Applejack, you say . . .

Applejack (in a bored voice):
"But it doesn't TASTE like apples."

Director:
Right. Okay, take two! Action!

Boy:
Applejacks cereal is the BEST!

Girl:
It sure is!

Boy:
Why do we . . . . uhhhh . . .

He trails off in silence as he forgets the line.

Director:
CUT! (sigh) Okay, Mary and Applejack, you can take a look around while Johnny gets his line down. Meet back here in fifteen, all right?

Applejack:
Gotcha.

He wanders towards the set of a Coors Light commercial.

. . . Fifteen minutes later, Applejack weaves back, falling down several times before reaching the set.

Director:
Everyone here? Applejack? Mary? Great! Then . . . action!

Boy:
Applejacks cereal is the BEST!

Girl:
It sure is!

Boy:
Why do we love it so much? We just do!

Applejack carefully chews a few pieces of cereal, his brow furrowed in concentration, before saying his line . . .

Applejack:
But . . . it doeshn' (hic!) TASHTE like alcohol!

He passes out and falls face first into his bowl of cereal. There's a long silence.

Director:
Bob, would you please sober up Applejack? I think he's been hanging around those damn beer commercials again.

Bob makes a muffled remark which the sound system doesn't quite pick up.

Director:
How should I know? Douse him with water or get some smelling salts or something!

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A half hour later, a very sulky looking Applejack is sitting on some steps in a garage with the two children. His hair is still damp and stringy from Bob's dousing of ice water and his ears lie flat against his skull. In short, he does not look like a happy little pony.

Director:
Okay gang, third commercial! Everyone got their lines down? Mary, you say . . .

Girl:
Why do we ask for Applejacks?

Director:
Right, and then Johnny replies . . .

Boy:
Maybe it's because it has ten essential vitamins and minerals!

Director:
Great! But then dad trots by and says . . .

Dad:
Or because it tastes like apples?

Director:
And you kids and the pony say . . .

Kids and Applejack (much less enthusiastically):
It doesn't taste like apples!

Director:
Okay, looks like you've got it down pat! Let's take it from the top! Take one! Action!

Girl:
Why do we ask for Applejacks?

Boy:
Maybe it's because it has ten essential vitamins and minerals!

Applejack (growling bad temperedly):
And maybe I'm Francis the Talking Mule!

The actors exchange startled glances, but continue gamely.

Dad (walking by):
Or because it tastes like apples?

Applejack:
You want to see why your kids are begging you for this stuff, "dad"? I'll show you why!

He grabs the box of Applejacks, turns it upside down, and shakes vigorously. Cereal cascades over the table. Applejack pushes through the cereal with a hoof until he locates something, triumphantly holding it between his two forehooves.

Applejack:
It's because of THIS! The bloody plastic toy! Yes, "dad", you're spending a couple of your hard earned bucks for this cheap plastic doodad!

Director:
CUT!!!

Applejack:
And you know what else? The sugar in this damn stuff is gonna rot away your kids teeth! You want to know how much those lovely "don't-taste-like-apples" cavities are going to cost you?

Director:
CUT!!!

Applejack:
Why don't you just give your bratty kids some real apples?

Director:
CUT!!!!! YOU!!! You're FIRED!!!

Applejack:
You can't fire me because I QUIT!!! I don't need you and your dumb cereal to survive! I'll have you know that the Washington Apple Growers have been BEGGING me to do ads for them!! But did I? NO! All because I felt some shred of loyalty towards you and your worthless product!

Director:
Get off my set, you mangy donkey!

Applejack:
FINE!

Director:
And don't come back!

Applejack:
HA! NO FEAR!

Applejack stomps off, tipping the table over as he goes.

Director (walking in front of the camera to access the damage to the camera):
Stupid ponies! They're so bloody arrogant!

He mops his brow. A second director strides up, wringing his hands anxiously.

Director #2:
Frank! Frank, you've got to help me!

Director #1:
What is it, Alan? Is your pony acting up too? God, and to think their agent described them as "loving and easy to work with"! How did we get into this mess?

Director #2:
Well, we figured we could easily get the better of a bunch of pastel ponies with a thirteen year old girl as their agent . . . but Frank, the pony they assigned me isn't cooperating at all! She argues about what the lines should be, fights with the other actors . . .

Director #1:
Which one is it?

Director #2:
A little pink one with multicolored hair . . . her name's Parasol. We figured she'd be perfect because she has umbrellas on her rump. You know . . . Traveler's Insurance, umbrellas . . . It seemed too good to be true!

Director #1 (glumly):
Looks like it was too good to be true.

Director #2:
What are we going to do?? I swear, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

A long pause.

Director #1:
Would some Applejacks make you feel better?

Director #2 shrugs and pours himself a bowl. The two directors begin crunching morosely.

Director #2:
You know, these things don't taste like apples.

Director #1:
Shut up, Alan.

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