My Little Labyrinth

by Lady Moondancer

---

In the last scene, Jareth had just finished singing with the goblins.

Meanwhile, the other ponies and Megan still wander through the maze.

Gusty (groaning):
Another dead end!

As the ponies turn to head back, two doors with strange "guards" in front of them appear.

Alph:
No, that's the dead end behind you!

Megan:
What in the HECK?

Shady:
Oh no! What if they're evil? What if they're planning to give us freaky hair and wear spandex and . . .

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Magic Star:
So what's up with you doors?

Ralph:
One of us leads to certain death, the other leads towards the center of the Labyrinth!

Gusty:
Okay--so which of you is which?

Alph:
Ah, but only one of us will tell the truth, and the other will always lie! It's tricky!

Megan (unimpressed):
Or we could simply open both the doors and discover which leads to certain death.

Ralph:
That's not fair!

Magic Star:
You say that so often . . . I wonder what your basis for comparison is!

Alph:
Yeah, like I haven't heard THAT one before . . .

Ralph (ignoring Magic Star):
And you can only ask one of us.

Megan:
Okay, okay, I'll go along with this. (looking at Alph) Here's my question: is Magic Star yellow or pink?

Alph:
Um, she's pink.

Megan:
Great. Now--does your door lead to certain death?

Ralph:
We never said you could ask more than one question!

Magic Star:
You didn't say we couldn't!

Gusty:
Yeah, we should get one question per person at least!

Alph (grumbling):
No, my door doesn't lead to certain death.

Gusty:
I'll take door number two, please.

Megan:
Piece of cake!

Everyone crowds through the right door--only to fall into a chute! Helping hands try to catch them, but the ponies are too heavy, and the hands are simply yanked from the walls instead. The ponies land safely on a pile of hands.

Shady:
Oh no, we're stuck in an oubliette and it's all my fault!

Gusty:
Yeah, it is your fault! It's your bad luck!

Magic Star:
You're just grumpy because we've been left to fester and rot in an oubliette! It's not her fault!

Gusty:
Yes it is! Yes it is!

The ponies look for a way out. Gusty continues muttering about how it's Shady's fault.

Meanwhile, Spike and Baby Lickety-Split are surrounded by goblins.

Baby Lickety-Split:
I don't like this place!

Jareth:
Haha! See, now the dwarf will lead your friends back to the beginning of the maze! You will both become goblins!

Spike (whispering to Baby Lickety-Split):
Don't worry, the other ponies will rescue us!

Baby Lickety-Split:
I don't want to wait for them!

She begins running through the castle.

Spike:
Lickety! Wait!

Jareth:
HEY!

Baby Lickety-Split (singing):
I'll go it alone! I'll go it alooooone!

Elsewhere, Hoggle arrives at the oubliette.

Hoggle:
Eh, great news, little horses--

Gusty:
Ponies.

Hoggle:
Whatever! I've come to help you find your way out of this oubliette, out of the Labyrinth!

Fizzy:
Out? But we're trying to find our way further in!

Megan:
Fizzy's right! We can't lose hope!

Megan begins singing.

Megan:
There's always another rainbow, search until you find it!
Don't look at the clouds, look behind it,
There's a rainbow there somewhere!
There's always . . .

Hoggle:
All right, all right, I'll help you! Just stop singing!

Hoggle puts a door against the wall and opens it. Sunlight streams in.

Fizzy:
Wow! Neat!

The ponies (and Megan) follow Hoggle down the corridors lined with talking stones.)

Stone1:
This is not the right way!

Stone2:
Beware! Doom lies this way!

Stone3:
Step AWAY from the car!

Stone4:
Take heed and go no further!

Megan:
This is like a twisted Easter Island . . .

A crystal ball rolls by and leaps into the cup of a beggar.

Beggar:
Well, well, what've we here?

Shady:
Oh no! What if that crystal is really a high powered explosive that will explode if it goes under eighty miles per hour?

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Beggar:
AHEM! Well, well, what've we here?

Hoggle:
Uh . . . nothing!

The beggar turns into Jareth in a puff of glitter.

Jareth:
Nothing? Nothing? Nothing?! NOTHING, tra la la??

Megan:
What do you think, ponies?

Magic Star:
Sounds like a song cue to me!

The ponies burst into song while Jareth and Hoggle look on, aghast.

Megan: Don't know which way to walk?
Magic Star: Have you had a nasty shock?
Fizzy: Lost in corridors of ro-ock?
Shady (spoken): We sure are!
Megan: Well, don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Ponies: Tra la la!

Shady: Are you stuck in a maze?
Fizzy: Is your brain all in a haze?
Gusty (spoken): Yours always is!
Magic Star: You won't be in there all your days! So . . .
Megan: Don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Ponies: Tra la la!

Jareth (spoken):
I don't believe this.

Gusty: Though all hope may seem lost . . .
Shady: Oh, maybe there's too high a cost!
Fizzy (spoken): Come on, Shady, brighten up!
Magic Star: Doubts and fears must be tossed!
Megan: Yeah! Don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Ponies: Tra la la!

Jareth:
I'm going to go off and be ill now. Hoggle, staying with these . . . creatures . . . is surely punishment enough for anyone. But be warned--if they stop singing and you help them . . .

Jareth glares and Hoggle cowers.

Hoggle:
Of course, your Majesty!

The ponies are still singing.

Fizzy: Oh, the Labyrinth's a scary place!
Shady: Hardly a friendly face!
Gusty: And we have a clock to race!
Magic Star (spoken): That's true, but . . .
All: We won't lose hope! Won't despair! 'Cause there's a way out--somewhere!

Gusty: Somewhere--tra la la!
Magic Star: Somewhere--tra la la la!
Shady: Somewhere--tra la la!
Fizzy: Somewhere--tra la la la!
All: Somewheeeeeere! Tra la LA!

The ponies stop singing and look around.

Magic Star:
Hey, where'd the Goblin King go?

Gusty:
He didn't even join in the chorus. What a doofus!

Fizzy:
Maybe he can't sing!

Gusty:
Yeah, and maybe those tights cut off the circulation to his brain! So where do we go now?

Hoggle (still recovering from the song):
Uhhhh . . . Well . . . Gee, you sure got his attention! Oh, here we go! This is what we need--a ladder! Um, can you ponies climb ladders?

Magic Star:
We can play tennis, make ice cream sundaes, and even cram our hooves into ballet shoes. I don't see why we wouldn't be able to climb a ladder!

Gusty:
Hang on a second! Why should we trust you?

Hoggle:
Let me put it this way--what choice have you got?

Gusty:
Let me put it this way--I wouldn't want to accidentally step on you!

Megan and Magic Star:
GUSTY!!!!

Hoggle:
Okay, okay! The truth is, I kind of like you weird little horses--

Fizzy:
Ponies.

Hoggle:
. . . and your weird little songs! See, you've got to understand my position. I'm a coward, and Jareth scares the pants off of me!

Shady:
His pants scare me too!

Megan:
His pants scare all of us!

Hoggle:
You wouldn't be so brave if you'd ever smelled the Bog of Eternal Stench, y'see!

Fizzy:
It just smells bad?

Hoggle:
Believe me, that's enough!

Magic Star:
Oh, I don't know. I've been in the same room with Gusty's old gym suit; how much worse could it be?

Gusty:
HEY!

Hoggle:
But the worst thing is that if you put a foot in the Bog of Stench, you'll smell bad for the rest of your life! It won't wash off!

The ponies and Hoggle climb the ladder and end up in a large hedge maze.

Hoggle:
Ah, here we are, then! You're on your own from now on!

Megan:
What?

Hoggle:
That's it, I quit!

Magic Star:
Wait a minute! Hoggle!

Hoggle:
I said I'd take you as far as I could!

Fizzy:
But that's cheating!

Hoggle:
Now don't try to embarrass me, I've got no pride!

Shady:
But what if we get lost without you? What if a mad killer with a cell phone wearing a mask begins stalking us and we all die?

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Gusty:
Fine, short stuff! I guess we'll just have to tell Jareth how helpful you were when we find him! We'll be sure to say you were instrumental in getting us into the castle!

Hoggle (cowering):
No! Not that! That's not fair!

Gusty:
Tough! That's the way it is!

The ponies start singing again.

Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Who said that life was fair?
Magic Star: Anyway, what basis have you to compare?
Magic Star and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!

Fizzy:
Fair! Fair! Fair!
Of brains I'm missing half my share!
'Course, I really don't care, but . . .
Magic Star, Fizzy, and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!

Magic Star: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Rich and poor--that's so unfair!
"Do you have some change to spare?"
Fizzy, Magic Star, and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!

Shady: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Even mice give me a scare!
I would never take a dare!
All the ponies: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!

Megan: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Even Jar-eth's life's unfair!
Seen the clothes he has to wear?
All: Fair! Fair! Fair! Who said life was fair?
Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is so unfair!

The ponies pause as a wiseman with a bird hat appears.

Wiseman:
All this singing has woken me up! What's going on?

Hoggle:
Cor!

Megan:
Excuse me please, but can you help us?

Wiseman:
Oh! A young girl! And a bunch of ponies!

Hat:
Whoo whoo whoo!

Wiseman:
And who is this?

Magic Star:
He's our friend!

Wiseman:
Oh. What can I do for you?

Fizzy:
We need to get to the castle to find Spike and Baby Lickety-Split!

Shady:
Do you know the way?

Wiseman:
Oh yes. You want to get to the castle?

Hat:
How's that for brain power, huh?

Gusty:
No kidding!

Wiseman:
Be quiet!

Hat:
Aw, nuts!

Wiseman:
So, young woman and equines, the way forward is sometimes the way back!

Hat:
Aye! Will you listen to this crap!

Wiseman:
Will you please be quiet!

Hat:
All right!

Wiseman:
Okay?

Hat:
Okay.

Wiseman:
All right.

Hat:
All right. Sorry.

Wiseman:
Finished?

Hat:
(pause) Yes.

Wiseman:
Quite often it seems like we're not getting anywhere, when, in fact . . .

Hat:
We are.

Wiseman (glaring at hat):
. . . we are!

Gusty:
Yeah, well we're not getting anywhere at the moment!

Hat:
Ha! Join the club!

The wiseman starts snoring.

Hat:
Uh, I think that's your lot! Just leave a contribution in the little box!

The ponies start walking away.

Hat:
HEY! I said to put a contribution in . . .

Gusty:
For a couple cryptic words? I don't think so!

Hat:
Ahh, stupid ponies!

Hoggle:
Why did you say I was your friend?

Gusty:
Because it's easier than saying "This is the stupid little coward we're following around for no good reason."

Megan and Magic Star:
GUSTY!

Fizzy:
We said that because you are our friend, Boggle!

Hoggle:
The name's Hoggle!

Megan:
Even if you don't know it!

Hoggle looks around in bewilderment as music again begins playing.

Megan: There's nothing quite like a frie-en-end!
Magic Star: Yeah! They'll always help you right until the end!
Megan: Though you're depressed and feeling blu-u-ue . . .
Fizzy: A friend is a person who can pull you through!
All: Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!

Shady: If you are feeling lost and scare-ar-ared . . .
Fizzy: You need a friend to show you someone cared!
Magic Star: If night-time monsters block your pa-a-ath . . .
Gusty: You need a friend to show those mon-sters some wrath! Yeah!
All: Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!

Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!
HEY!

Hoggle:
Friend! Huh, I like that! I ain't never been no one's friend before!

Roaring is heard in the distance.

Hoggle:
Oh! Goodbye!

Magic Star:
Wait a minute! Are you our friend or not?

Hoggle:
No, Hoggle ain't no one's friend! Hoggle looks after himself, like everyone else! Hoggle is Hoggle's friend!

Fizzy:
Hoggle! Wait!

Gusty:
You coward!

More roaring in the distance.

Gusty:
Well, I'm not afraid!

Shady:
I am! What if it's a huge lizardy monster that's laid its eggs all over New York? Oh no!

All:
Shut up, Shady!

The ponies and Megan creep up and find a bunch of guards torturing a big hairy animal.

Megan:
If only I had something to throw!

Gusty:
Or--I could just do this!

Gusty concentrates and a great wind rises and sweeps the guards away.

Fizzy (amazed):
How'd you do that?

Gusty:
Um--earth to Fizzy! That's my special unicorn power, remember? Just like your power is making bubbles, Bubblehead!

Fizzy:
Oh. Right, I remember that now!

The monsters howls.

Magic Star:
Now stop that! Is that any way to treat people who are trying to help you?

Monster:
Hrrrr . . .

Megan:
Do you want us to let you down?

Monster:
Ludo . . . down!

Shady:
Is your name Ludo?

Ludo:
Ludo.

Fizzy:
Don't worry, Ludo! I'll get you down, yep yep yep!

Fizzy runs and unties the rope. Ludo falls and begins moaning.

Fizzy:
Oops! Sorry!

Ludo:
Fwiends?

Shady:
Uh . . . I guess so. I'm Shady.

Ludo:
Shady . . . fwiend!

Ludo tries to hug Shady, who backs away.

Shady:
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Ludo:
Fwiends?

Megan:
I'm Megan.

Fizzy:
I'm Fizzy!

Ludo:
Fizzy . . . drop Ludo! Not fwiend!

Magic Star:
Oh, Fizzy didn't mean to drop you, Ludo! She's just stupid!

Fizzy:
HEY!

Magic Star:
She is your friend! So am I! I'm Magic Star!

Gusty:
Yeah, yeah, I'm Gusty, pleased to meet you--can we GO now?

Magic Star:
Now, wait just a second. Ludo, do you know a way to the castle at the center of the Labyrinth?

Ludo:
Umm . . . (long pause) No.

Gusty (sarcastically):
Gee, what a shock!

Megan:
I wonder if anyone knows . . .

Elsewhere, Hoggle is walking away from the ponies.

Hoggle:
Get through the Labyrinth? Get through the Labyrinth? One thing's for sure, they'll never get through the Labyrinth! Cor!

The ponies and Ludo wander through the maze. Suddenly, two doors appear. The knockers are shaped like faces.

Shady:
Where did they come from?

Ludo:
Hmm?

Magic Star:
Which should we choose out of these two characters?

Knocker1:
It's very rude to stare!

Shady:
AHHHH!!! They're alive!!!

Gusty:
Who asked you anyway, metal mouth?

Knocker1:
What?

Knocker2:
Hm cmph hr vyu!

Knocker1:
Stop talking with your mouth full!

Knocker2:
Mm nt tlkg wth my mth fll!

Megan removes the ring from the mouth of Knocker2.

Knocker2:
Oh, thank you! It's so good to get that thing out!

Fizzy:
What were you saying?

Knocker2:
Oh, it's no good talking to him, he's deaf as a post!

Knocker1:
Mumble, mumble, you're a wonderful conversationalist!

Knocker2:
All you do is moan!

Knocker1:
No good. Can't hear you.

Megan:
Where do these door lead?

Knocker2:
Search me! We're just the knockers!

Shady:
How do we get through?

Knocker2:
Knock and the door will open.

Megan:
Oh.

Megan tries to put the ring back in Knocker2's mouth.

Knocker2:
I don't want that back in my mouth!

Fizzy:
But we want to knock!

Knocker1:
Doesn't want his knocker back, eh? Can't say I blame him.

Gusty (shrugging):
No problem.

Gusty knocks on the door with her hoof. The door opens and they all go through. Megan still carries the ring.

Meanwhile, back in Jareth's throne room . . . Baby Lickety-Split and Spike have been captured and the doors to the throne room have been locked. Baby Lickety-Split is sulking.

Jareth (looking at Baby Lickety-Split):
She's a cute little thing, even with that enormous tooth hanging out of her mouth. She's got my eyes.

Baby Lickety-Split (whining):
Why does everything have to happen to me?

Goblins:
Ha ha ha ha!

In the meantime, Ludo and the ponies and Megan have wandered into a garden.

Ludo:
Ludo scared!

Gusty:
Oh, I knew we shouldn't have taken him along!

Magic Star:
Gusty! Be nice!

Megan:
Oh, give me your hand! Imagine a big thing like you being afraid!

Ludo:
Yeah.

Fizzy:
See, Ludo? There's nothing to be afraid of!

Ludo falls through a secret pit behind the ponies. They turn around and see that he's gone.

Gusty:
Hey, where'd the abominable snowman go?

Magic Star:
Ludo?

Fizzy:
He's gone!

Shady:
Oh no! What if little bipedal dinosaurs with big curved claws came and killed him? Oh no!

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Megan:
Ludo! Ludo! Where are you?

Fizzy:
Ludo! Ludo!

Gusty:
Well, he's gone. C'mon, let's get going.

Magic Star:
Ludo! Ludo!

From afar, Hoggle has heard the ponies and Megan.

Hoggle:
I'm coming, little ponies!

Jareth (appearing out of nowhere):
Well, if it isn't you! And where are you going?

Hoggle:
Uh, well the ponies gave me the slip, but I hears them now, so I was going to lead them back to the beginning, like you told me.

Jareth:
I see. For one moment I thought you were running to help them. But no, not after my warnings. That would be stupid.

Hoggle:
You bet it would! Me? Help them? After your warnings? Ha ha ha!

Jareth:
Oh dear, poor Hoghead.

Hoggle:
Hoggle.

Jareth:
Yes. I thought I heard singing a while ago.

Hoggle:
Uh, yes, singing. It was terrible! I'm sure I'll needs therapy! But first, I'm off to take the ponies back to the beginning of the Labyrinth, just like we planned!

Jareth:
Wait, I've got a much better plan. (tossing Hoggle a peach) Give them this.

Hoggle:
W-what is it?

Jareth:
It's a present.

Hoggle:
It won't hurt them, will it?

Jareth:
Now, why the concern?

Hoggle:
I wouldn't want to hurt the little ponies.

Jareth:
Come, Hogbrain! I'm surprised at you, losing your head over a girl and a bunch of ponies! Singing ponies, at that!

Hoggle:
I ain't lost my head!

Jareth:
You don't seriously think that a bunch of colorful ponies could possibly like a repulsive scab like you, do you?

Hoggle:
Well, maybe not Gusty, but they others said we was . . .

Jareth:
What? Bosom companions? . . . Friends?

Hoggle:
They sang a whole song about it!

Jareth:
You'll give that to them, Hoggle, or I'll tip you straight into the Bog of Eternal Stench!

Hoggle:
Yes. Right.

Jareth:
And, Hoggle, if they ever sing a song solely about you, I'll turn you into a prince!

Hoggle:
Y-you will?

Jareth:
Prince of the land of stench! Ha ha ha! Man, I crack me up!

Meantime, back with the ponies...

Megan:
Ludo! Ludo!

Gusty:
He's GONE! Deal with it!

The ponies hear noises in the woods.

Fizzy:
What's going on?

Shady:
Oh no! What if it's a bunch of starving pumas come to tear us to shreds? Oh no!

All:
Shut up, Shady!

A Firey pops his head up. (Firies look like insane red, furry muppets. Probably because they are.)

Megan:
Who are you?

Magic Star:
What do you want?

Firey 1:
Yahoo! We're out to have a good time!

Firey 2:
That's right!

Firey 3:
Yeah!

The Firey's start singing and jumping around.

Firies:
Don't have no problems! (No problems!)
Ain't got no suitcase! (No suitcase!)
Ain't got no clothes to worry about!
Ain't got no real estate or jewelry or gold mines to hang me up!
I just throw in my hand! (Throw in my hand!)
We're the chilliest bunch in the land!

Magic Star (whispering to Megan):
Maybe they know King Charlatan!

Firies:
Chilly down with the wild gang!
Think small with the wild gang!
Bad hep with the wild gang!
(Don't lose your head!)
When your thing gets wild,
Chilly down, chilly down with the wild gang!
Walk tall with the wild gang!
Good times, bad food!
When your thing gets wild chilly down, chilly down!

A firey removes his eyes and rolls them on the ground.

Firey (spoken):
Yeah! Roll 'em!

Firies:
Snake eyes!

Fizzy (giggling):
Wow, that's great!

Firies:
So when things get too rough
Your skin is dragging on the ground!
And even down looks up! (Down looks up!)
We can show you a good time . . . (Show you a good time!) And we don't charge nothin'! (Nothin' at all!)
Just strut your stuff! Wiggle in the middle, yeah!
Get the town talking, by god!
Chilly down with the wild gang!
Think small with the wild gang!
Bad hep, happy wild gang!
When your thing gets wild, chilly down, chilly down with the wild gang!

Firey (spoken):
Shake your pretty little head.

Firey (spoken):
Tap your pretty little feet.

Firies:
Good times, bad food!

The firies stop singing and start trying to pull the ponies heads off.

Firey:
Hey! Their heads don't come off!

Gusty:
Well, no DUH!

Magic Star:
Of course they don't!

Firey:
She's right. They're stuck on.

Firey:
Where you going with a head like that?

Firey:
I know what we can do. Take off their heads!

Firey:
Yeah, let's take them apart!

Gusty:
Let's NOT!

Gusty kicks the head off a firey. The other ponies follow suit.

Firey:
Hey, lady, that's his head! Hey, that's my head.

Firey:
That's a friend of mine!

Firey:
What are you doing?

Megan wedges the ring from the knocker into the branchs of a tree and the ponies begin playing basketball with the Firies' heads.

Firey:
Hey! It's against the rules to throw other people's heads! You're only allowed to throw your own head.

Firey:
That's right!

Firey:
Where's the referee?

Firey:
Now we take your head off!

Shady:
Run!

The ponies all begin running away.

Firey:
Stop them, somebody!

Firey:
Come back, little ponies.

Firey:
Play the game.

Firey:
Who gets to throw your head?

Firey:
Hey, you can't quit!

Megan:
Leave us alone!

Firey:
We get a free throw!

Firey:
Don't you want us to take your heads off?

Suddenly a ladder falls over the side of the wall in front of the ponies.

Magic Star:
Hoggle!

Firey:
You can look like us!

Gusty:
Which part of "leave us alone" do you not understand?

The ponies begin climbing up the ladder.

Firey:
Take off your heads!

Firey:
Get a saw!

Firey:
An ear! Take off an ear! You don't need two ears!

Firey:
The game's almost over!

Hoggle:
Shoo! Go away!

Megan:
Hoggle! You've come to help us!

Magic Star:
What a noble thing to do!

Shady:
You saved us!

Gusty:
Yeah--almost makes up for abandoning us before.

Fizzy:
Hooray for Higgle!

Hoggle:
Hoggle!

Megan:
This deserves a song!

Hoggle:
No!

Music starts up in the background, but everyone falls down a pit before they can start singing.

All:
Aieeeeee!!!

---

---

(When last seen, the ponies were about to sing a song in Hoggle's honor, but instead fell through a trapdoor.)

The ponies, Megan, and Hoggle land in an underground cavern. Hoggle clings precariously onto the edge.

Fizzy:
Hang on Hoggle!

Magic Star:
Ugh! What died down here!

Gusty:
You said it . . . it stinks! Literally!

Hoggle:
It's the Bog of Eternal Stench! Help!

Megan:
Hold on!

The ponies and Megan pull Hoggle to safety.

Hoggle:
What did you have to go and do a thing like that for?

Shady:
What? You mean rescuing you?

Gusty (disgruntled):
You're right--that was a mistake.

Hoggle:
No, no! Dedicating a song to me!

Megan:
Don't pretend to be so hard! We know you came back to help us, and we know you're our friend!

Hoggle:
Did not! Am not! I just came back here to give you this!

Hoggle starts to get a peach out of his pocket.

Fizzy:
You came back to give us a peach?

The stones crumble and Hoggle slips.

Megan:
Hold on!

Megan grabs Hoggle, and the ponies grab Megan. They all fall down, landing on Ludo.

Magic Star:
Ludo!

Ludo:
Smell.

Shady:
Where's Hoggle?

Somehow Hoggle has ended underneath Ludo.

Hoggle:
Get off of me!

Magic Star:
There he is. No, it's okay, Hoggle, Ludo's our friend too!

Hoggle:
A what?

Ludo:
Smell!

Gusty (sarcastic):
Yes, I think we've all noticed the smell, thank you.

Shady:
Look, a bridge!

Megan:
Maybe it leads to a way out! Come on!

Hoggle:
Watch it! You step in this stuff once, you'll stink forever!

Everyone goes to a small island; the bridge leads off of it and out of the swamp.

Suddenly, Sir Didymus, a small furry fox, jumps in front of the group.

Didymus:
Stop! Stop I say!

Gusty:
What NOW?

Magic Star:
We have to get across!

Shady:
Oh no, a fox! What if he's rabid?

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Didymus:
Without my permission, none may cross!

Hoggle:
We've got to get out of the stench!

Ludo:
Smell bad!

Didymus:
Stench? Of what speakest thou?

Gusty:
Great; all the bridges in the Labyrinth and we run into the one patrolled by a Shakespearean fox.

Megan:
The smell! It's terrible!

Didymus:
I smell nothing! I live by my sense of smell! The air is sweet and fragrant!

Gusty:
You live by your sense of smell, huh? I wonder what Darwin would say about that.

Didymus:
And none may pass without my permission!

Ludo:
Smell bad!

Hoggle:
Oh, get out of my way!

Didymus:
I'm sworn to do my duty!

Megan:
But you have to let us across!

Hoggle runs toward the bridge and across.

Didymus:
Hold! I don't want to hurt you!

Magic Star:
Hoggle, what are you doing?

Gusty:
Hmm, we run into danger; Hoggle runs away. I'm sensing a pattern here.

Ludo blocks Didymus' way.

Didymus:
Let go of my staff! All right, then, I can conquer this mountain!

Didymus starts nipping and biting Ludo, who swings at him.

Didymus:
Thou must do better than that! Give up? Ha ha! Enough! Never have I met my match in battle, yet this noble knight has fought me to a standstill!

Gusty (unimpressed):
Well whoop-de-doo for him.

Fizzy:
Ludo, are you okay?

Ludo:
Smell!

Didymus:
Sir Ludo, I, Sir Didymus, yield to thee! Come, let us be brothers henceforth and fight for the right as one! Thank you very much!

Ludo:
Ludo get brother.

Gusty:
So the refugee from "Planet of the Apes" is now related to the tribble? Great. Just great.

Megan:
Great! Let's get going!

She starts to cross the bridge, but Didymus jumps in front of her.

Didymus:
You forget my sacred vow!

Shady:
But I thought Ludo was your brother now!

Didymus:
I must defend my oath to the death!

Ludo:
Smell!

Magic Star:
Okay, let's handle this logically . . .

Gusty (groaning):
If you start to sound like Wind Whistler, I'm leaving!

Magic Star:
. . . what exactly have you sworn?

Didymus:
I have sworn with my lifeblood no one shall pass without my permission!

Fizzy:
Well . . . can we have your permission then?

Didymus:
Well, I . . . uh . . .

Gusty:
Simple yes or no question, Didymus.

Didymus:
Yes?

Megan:
Thank you!

Didymus:
My lady!

The ponies and Megan look doubtfully at the swaying bridge. Megan begins to cross.

Didymus:
Have no fear! This bridge has lasted for 1,000 years!

Didymus taps the bridge with his sword. It falls apart. Megan grabs onto a tree branch above her and remains dangling.

Didymus:
It seemed solid enough!

Gusty:
Wow, I'm sure glad I didn't go first!

Magic Star:
Gusty!

Gusty:
What?

Hoggle runs back to try to help Megan.

Megan:
Hoggle!

Didymus:
Fear not, fair maiden! I will save thee . . . somehow!

Shady:
Oh no, if Megan falls in, she'll smell like the bog forever!

Fizzy:
Well, it's only forever--not long at all!

Ludo begins howling.

Didymus:
Canst thou sit and howl when yon maiden needs our help?

As Ludo howls, stones roll into the bog, creating stepping stones.

Megan:
That's incredible, Ludo!

Didymus:
Canst thou summon up the very rocks?

Ludo:
Sure. Rocks friends.

Gusty:
Well, I guess that makes sense. Their IQ is the same as yours . . .

Magic Star:
Gusty!

Gusty:
What? It's true!

Hoggle helps Megan get to solid land.

Megan:
Thanks Hoggle!

Ludo and the ponies walk across on the rocks.

Didymus:
Sir Ludo, wait for me! Oh, Ambrosius!

An English Sheepdog pokes it's head from behind a rock.

Didymus:
It's all right, Ambrosius, you can come out now! Come on. That-a boy. My loyal steed! Steady! Up!

Didymus gets on the dog.

Didymus:
Forward! Ah, steady! Steady, boy. Come on, Ambrosius.

Ambrosius is reluctant to cross on the rocks.

Didymus:
Just close your eyes and go!

Megan:
Let's get out of here!

Hoggle begins to drop the peach into the Bog of Eternal Stench.

Jareth's voice:
I wouldn't do that if I were you!

Hoggle (to himself):
I can't give it to them!

Didymus:
Well, come on then. We should reach the castle well before day!

Meanwhile, back at the throne room, Baby Lickety-Split is sulking and Spike is looking for a way out.

Jareth:
Look, Megan. Is this what you and the ponies are trying to find? So much trouble over such a little thing.

Baby Lickety-Split:
I am not little!

Jareth:
Shut up! (to himself) This is why I usually kidnap infants . . . Anyway, they'll soon forget all about you--as soon as Hoggle gives her my present. Then they'll forget about everything.

Baby Lickety-Split:
Well, at least they'll forget about your tights!

Spike and Baby Lickety-Split giggle.

Jareth:
SHUT UP!

In the meantime, the ponies and their friends are continuing on their journey . . .

Didymus:
Is that my stomach or yours, Ambrosius?

Ludo:
Hungry!

Megan:
Well, we can't stop now!

Fizzy:
Maybe we can find some berries or something!

Shady:
Oh no! What if they're poisonous? What if they're poison nightshade and . . .

All:
Shut up, Shady.

Hoggle:
Uh, Megan . . . little ponies . . .

Gusty:
Yeah?

Hoggle takes out the peach.

Hoggle:
Here.

Megan:
Oh! Thanks Hoggle!

Magic Star:
But how will we divide it?

Gusty:
That's not a lot to share between a human and four ponies.

Magic Star:
This would be hard for us ponies to eat without opposable thumbs, so I suggest that we let Megan have it.

Fizzy:
Yeah--we can eat grass and stuff!

Megan:
Oh, I couldn't possibly!

Gusty:
Oh, go ahead Megan. Magic Star's right.

Megan:
Thanks little ponies!

Hoggle:
Uh . . . I think it would be better if you all ate--to build up your strength.

Gusty:
Don't worry, we're plenty strong.

The ponies trot ahead, leaving Megan hanging behind a little.

Megan bites into the peach.

Megan:
This tastes strange. Are you sure it's FDA approved? Hoggle, what have you done?

Megan collapses.

Hoggle:
Oh, damn you Jareth! And damn me too!

Megan:
Everything's dancing . . .

Meanwhile, everyone else continues ahead, not noticing that anything's amiss.

Didymus:
Yea, verily! Whoa, Ambrosius, whoa! The castle doth lie yonder, my lady! My lady? My lady? My lady?!

Magic Star:
Uh oh.

Shady:
Oh no!

Gusty:
I've got a bad feeling about this.

In the meantime, Megan finds herself in an otherworldly realm of dancers. Of course, Jareth is there too, dancing and occasionally staring at Megan.

Voiceover of Jareth (singing):
There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes,
A kind of pale jewel opened and closed within your eyes.
I'll place the sky within--

Megan (looking at Jareth):
How are you singing with your mouth closed?

Voiceover of Jareth (singing):
--your eyes--huh?

Megan:
I said, how are you singing without moving your lips? Are you a ventriloquist?

Voiceover:
Shut up! (continues singing)

There's such a fooled heart, beating so fast
In search of new dreams, a love that will last.
Within your heart, I'll place the moon . . .

Megan continues staring at Jareth, trying to see if he's moving his lips.

Voiceover:
. . . within your heart. As the pain sweeps through--damn it! Stop staring at me! You're supposed to be running through the crowd of dancers!

Megan:
Why?

Voiceover:
You're spoiling the mood! You're spoiling the atmosphere!

Megan:
So is this the castle I was supposed to find my way to?

Voiceover:
NO!

Megan:
It sure looks like a castle to me!

Voiceover (cross):
Well, it's NOT!

Megan:
If I find my way to the castle, will you do that ventriloquism thing for the baby ponies' birthday parties?

Voiceover:
WHAT?

Megan:
You could help yourself to cake, of course . . .

Voiceover:
Help myself to--GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Megan looks around for a door.

Voiceover:
Oh, HERE!

The floor caves out from under Megan and she falls, landing in a junkheap.

Suddenly, we see Hoggle sitting sadly in a different part of the junkpile.

Hoggle:
What have I done? I've lost my only friend, that's what I've done! Well, there are still the ponies, but I doubt if they'll thank me for losing their friend. Well . . . maybe Gusty . . .

Hoggle spots Megan.

Hoggle:
Oh!

He remains hidden.

Megan:
Where am I?

Suddenly, a junkwoman appears; she carries a large pile of junk on her back.

Junkwoman:
Ow! Get off me! Why don't you look where you're going, young woman, hmm?

Megan:
I was watching where I was going.

Junkwoman:
Where were you going?

Megan:
Uh . . . I don't remember.

Junkwoman:
You can't look where you're going if you don't know where you're going.

Megan:
I was looking for something.

Junkwoman:
Well, look here! Hmm?

Junkwoman holds out a stuffed teddy bear.

Junkwoman:
That's what you were looking for, wasn't it, m'dear?

Megan:
A teddy bear? Um . . . no.

Junkwoman:
Now, why don't you come in here and--what do you mean, "no"?!

Megan:
I mean, "No, that's not what I was looking for." I've never seen that teddy bear in my life.

Junkwoman:
Yes you have! It's Lancelot!

Megan:
No I haven't.

Junkwoman:
Yes you have!

Megan:
No.

Junkwoman:
Oh, forget it! Come in here and see if there's anything you like!

Junkwoman drags Megan into a room with an Escher drawing on the wall and little cubbyholes on the wall filled with toys and dolls.

Megan:
Wow, that lady must be going through her second childhood.

Junkwoman (from the other side of the door):
You're supposed to say "It was just a dream!"

Megan:
Yeah, I wake up in strange rooms all the time after falling asleep.

Junkwoman enters.

Junkwoman:
You're saying all the wrong things! Well, I guess I'll just have to adlib . . . Jareth doesn't pay me enough for this sort of aggravation, I can tell you that!

Junkwoman grabs various toys and shoves them into Megan's arms.

Junkwoman:
Your little bunny rabbit! You like your little bunny rabbit!

Megan shrugs and takes the bunny.

Junkwoman:
Yes yes yes! Oh, and there's Betsy Boo! Yes yes yes! What else have we got? What's this? Let's have a look! It's a pencil box! Got lots of pencils!

Megan (unenthused):
Wow.

Junkwoman:
Here's your panda slippers! You like your panda slippers! Never wanted them thrown away, did you? Now then, what else? Oh, it's little horsie! You love little horsie, don't you?

Megan (absentmindedly):
Horsie . . . little horsie . . . my little horsie . . . my little p--

Junkwoman (hurridly):
And look at this! You got a printing game! Here's a treasure! (handing Megan some make-up) You'll want that, won't you, m'dear? Put it on! Make yourself up! And here's good old Flopsie, you'll want her! Oh yes, oh yes, Charlie Bear! There's Charlie Bear for you, hmm?

Megan yawns.

Megan:
I'm pretty sure I wasn't looking for someone else's ratty toys.

Junkwoman:
Ah, don't talk nonsense! Everything in the world you ever cared about is all right here! Here's your little toy candy shop!

Megan shrugs. She looks extremely bored.

Junkwoman:
Well?

Megan:
Well what?

Junkwoman:
You're missing your cue again! Say your lines!

Megan:
Huh?

Junkwoman:
Do I have to do everything around here?

Junkwoman grabs a book from the desk, flips through it until she comes to a certain page, and hands the book to Megan.

Junkwoman:
Read that, smarty!

Megan:
"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the Goblin City to take back the child that you hath stolen."

Megan looks at the Junkwoman.

Junkwoman:
That's more like it! Ahem . . . what's the matter, m'dear? Don't like your toys?

Megan:
Is that it, or should I turn the page?

Junkwoman (shouting at the ceiling):
This is the LAST time I do this, Jareth! The last time!

Megan:
And these aren't actually my toys, either. Just so you know.

Junkwoman:
You have to say the next lines!

Megan:
Of the book?

Junkwoman:
No, no! The next lines!

Megan looks confused.

Junkwoman:
Oh, for heaven's--what is this room filled with?

Megan:
Toys.

Junkwoman:
Toys which are . . . ?

Megan:
Someone else's.

Junkwoman:
Yes, and these toys are very old. In fact, one might say they are . . . ?

Megan:
Falling apart.

Junkwoman:
Yes, and things which are falling apart are . . . ?

Megan:
Not going to last much longer.

Junkwoman:
Argh! Yes, and if things fall apart we call them . . . ?

Megan:
Broken?

Junkwoman:
No no no!

Megan:
Couldn't you just tell me?

Junkwoman:
No! You have to say it on your own! Okay, let's try this a different way. Outside this room, you saw . . . ?

Megan:
You.

Junkwoman:
Besides me.

Megan:
A bunch of trash.

Junkwoman:
And another word for trash IS . . . ?

Megan:
Garbage?

Junkwoman:
ARGHHHH!!! Okay, how about this . . .

Junkwoman
holds up three fingers.

Megan:
Three words.

Junkwoman nods. She holds up three fingers again.

Megan:
Third word.

Junkwoman nods. She taps on finger against her arm.

Megan:
One syllable.

Junkwoman nods. She grabs her ear.

Megan:
Sounds like . . .

Junkwoman nods. She goes over to the bed and holds her hands several feet above it.

Megan:
Uh . . . ceiling?

Junkwoman shakes her head. She holds her head above the bed again, then pantomimes climbing up a ladder and then lying down.

Megan:
Bunk?

Junkwoman nods energetically.

Megan:
Sounds like bunk . . . clunk, dunk, flunk, gunk, hunk, junk, lunk, monk . . .

Junkwoman gestures wildly.

Megan:
Lunk?

Junkwoman shakes her head.

Megan:
Junk?

Junkwoman nods wildly.

Megan:
Junk! Third word is "junk"!

Junkwoman holds two fingers. Then she grabs her ear again.

Megan:
Second word. Sounds like . . .

Junkwoman pantomimes catching a ball.

Megan:
Catch? No, ball. Sounds like ball. Call, doll, fall, gall, hall, mall, tall, wall . . . that's it!

Junkwoman shakes her head.

Megan:
But I went through the whole alphabet! That's all!

Junkwoman gestures wildly.

Megan:
What? Oh, "all"! Something "all junk".

Junkwoman nods, then grabs her ear and pretends to hit a ball with a bat.

Megan:
Sounds like hit? Bits, fits, it's . . .

Junkwoman nods and jumps around.

Megan:
"It's"! It's . . . all . . . junk!

Junkwoman:
FINALLY! Um, okay, let's see here . . . (picks up a fragile looking music box with a ballet dancer inside a glass globe) Well, what about this? This is not junk!

Megan:
It will be if you keep shaking it like that.

Junkwoman:
You're an evil little child, aren't you? Well, if you think I'm playing Charades again, you can forget it! Here's a hint— you have to go rescue that little purple pony and the dragon!

Megan:
Oh, that's right! Baby Lickety-Split! And Spike! How could I forget?

The roof and walls of the room begin to collapse.

Junkwoman (leaving):
Took long enough . . .

---

---

(When last seen, the room of toys Megan was in had just fallen to the ground.)

Megan stands alone, looking in confusion at the junkpile surrounding the ruins of the room.

Suddenly, Didymus, Ludo, and all the little ponies trot up.

Ludo:
Mewan?

Didymus:
My lady!

Magic Star:
What happened, Megan?

Gusty:
Yeah, where were you?

Didymus:
Fair maiden, thank goodness thou art safe at last!

Fizzy:
Where did this landfill come from?

Didymus:
My lady, look! We're almost there! The gates to the Goblin City!

Shady:
Oh, maybe we shouldn't go! It looks scary!

Megan:
We don't have much time, Shady! Come on, everybody!

Didymus:
Ambrosius, forward!

Hoggle (from hiding):
Oh no!

Hoggle follows everyone.

Two guards stand asleep at the entrance to the Goblin City.

Didymus:
Open the door!

Megan:
Shhh! Sir Didymus, we must go quietly!

Gusty:
Yeah, shut up!

Didymus:
Arf arf! Open up! Open up right now!

Shady:
Sir Didymus, you'll wake up the guards!

Didymus:
Well, let them all wake up!

Megan:
Shhh!

Didymus:
I shall fight you all to the death! Arf arf arf!

Magic Star:
Please, Sir Didymus, be quiet! For our sake hush!

Didymus:
But of course. For the little ponies, anything! I'm not a coward?

Megan:
No, no.

Gusty:
Of course not. That's Shady.

Shady:
Hey!

Didymus:
And I do have a keen sense of smell?

Fizzy:
Of course!

Gusty:
Wait a minute--you couldn't even smell the Bog of Eternal Stench!

Didymus (not hearing Gusty):
Then I shall fight anyone, anywhere, anyplace, anytime!

Megan:
We all know. Now hush!

Everyone sneaks past the guards.

Didymus:
I don't see why we have to be so quiet? It's only a goblin city!

Shady:
I have a bad feeling about this!

Gusty:
So what else is new?

The doors behind the ponies slam shut. Now they are trapped in a small enclosure. A huge set of iron doors stands in front of them.

Megan:
Uh oh!

Suddenly, the figure of a huge robot with an axe separates itself from the iron doors! It slashes at the party. Spikes pop out of the rear wall, preventing retreat.

Robot:
Who goes?

Magic Star:
What is that?

Ludo:
Grr!

Shady:
AHHHHH!!!

Robot:
Who goes?

Didymus:
Arf arf arf! Arf arf--whoa!

Ambrosius rears, throwing off Didymus.

Didymus:
Ambrosius!

Robot:
Who goes?

Gusty:
I'll tell you who's going, buddy--you are! Going DOWN, that is!

Gusty charges the robot and slams into it, trying to tip it over. It merely turns and takes a swipe at her with the axe. She dodges.

Fizzy:
Look out, Gusty!

Megan:
Duck!

Didymus:
Ambrosius, come here right now!

Ambrosius cowers.

Didymus:
Please come! Ambrosius, you're embarrassing me!

Suddenly, Hoggle appears, running along the top of the wall.

Magic Star:
Hoggle!

Hoggle:
Yahhhh!

Hoggle throws himself at the robot's head, knocking it off. A small goblin controls it.

Hoggle:
Get out of there!

Goblin:
Ahhh!!

Hoggle:
Bombs away!

Hoggle throws the goblin out of the robot.

Goblin:
Blaaah! That wasn't very nice!

The goblin flies away.

Hoggle:
My turn now! Uh--how do you drive this thing?

Hoggle tries to master the controls of the robot, wildly swinging its axe.

Magic Star:
Drop the axe!

Hoggle:
I'm trying!

Shady:
Agh! Watch out!

Gusty:
Look out! Student driver!

Didymus (to Ambrosius):
Come here at once!

Didymus whistles for Ambrosius.

Hoggle:
Oh, where's reverse!

Fizzy:
Get out of there, Hoggle!

Hoggle:
Abandon ship!

Hoggle jumps out of the robot, landing hard.

Gusty:
Wow, that's gotta hurt!

Megan:
Hoggle! Are you alright?!

Hoggle (looking ashamed):
I'm not asking to be forgiven. I ain't ashamed of myself. Jareth made me give you that peach. I don't care what you think. I told you I was a coward! I ain't interested in being friends!

Shady:
Forgiven for what?

Megan:
I forgive you, Hoggle! It wasn't that bad--and I got to play Charades!

Hoggle:
You--you did? I mean, you do?

Didymus:
And I commend you! Rarely have I seen such courage. You are valiant, Sir Hoggle!

Hoggle:
Huh? I am?

Ludo:
Hoggle and Ludo fwiends!

Hoggle:
We are?

Megan:
Thanks for your help!

Hoggle:
Well, what are we waiting for? Let's find that rat who calls himself Jareth!

Magic Star:
Right on!

Fizzy (jumping around excitedly):
We won't have any trouble now that you're along, Hoggle! We'll just run and find the castle and--hey, wait for me everyone!

Didymus:
It's all right, Ambrosius, there's nothing to be afraid of now!

Ambrosius finally comes to Didymus.

Meanwhile, in the castle, Jareth sits on his throne while Baby Lickety-Split and Spike huddle in a corner, frightened. Suddenly, a goblin rushes in.

Goblin:
Your Highness! Your Highness! The girl! The girl who ate the peach and forgot everything!

Jareth:
The one who ruined my voiceover? What of her?

Goblin:
She, the monster, Sir Didymus, the dwarf, and a bunch of ponies are on the way to the castle!

Jareth:
Stop her! Call out the guards! Hide the baby pony and the dragon!

Baby Lickety-Split sticks her tongue out at the guards and both she and Spike dodge out of their grasp. After a mighty struggle, both are captured, but not before kicking and biting the guards.

Jareth:
She must be stopped! Do something! Come on, move! Move!

At the same time, Megan and her friends approach the gates to the castle.

Magic Star:
I think we're going to make it!

Megan:
Piece of cake!

Suddenly, goblins poke their heads out from the towers and windows of the castle.

Goblin Captain:
Company, halt! Lancers, ready! Cannons, fire!

Goblins:
Charge! Charge! Charge!

Goblins pour out of hiding.

Shady:
Ahhh!!! Run!!!

Gusty:
For once I agree with Shady! Let's make tracks!

Ambrosius turns around and runs away with Didymus while the others scatter. Some lancers pursue Ambrosius and Didymus.

Didymus:
Ambrosius, turn about!

Megan:
Quick, this way!

Didymus (to Ambrosius):
Charge! No, not that way! You're going the wrong way! The battle's behind us! Ambrosius, can we talk about this? Please, sit!

Meanwhile, Megan and her friends are hiding in an alley. Gusty peers around the corner.

Gusty:
All clear, guys! Let's go!

Back with Ambrosius and Didymus . . .

Didymus:
Ambrosius, turn around or I will never feed you again!

Ambrosius screeches to a halt and turns around.

Didymus:
That's better!

Ambrosius whimpers.

Didymus:
Don't worry, I think we've got them surrounded!

Didymus calmly surveys the goblin soldiers circling him.

Meanwhile . . .

Fizzy:
Where's Sir Didymus?

Shady:
Oh no, he's gone!

A goblin pulls out a cannon and fires at the ponies.

Goblin:
Fire!

The friends scatter.

Goblin Cannonball:
I hit something, yes? No?

Megan:
We've got to find Didymus! Down this way!

Back at Didymus . . .

Didymus:
Grrr! Grrr! Charge!

Didymus knocks a goblin off its mount.

Didymus:
Ha ha ha! Tallyho!

Suddenly, Ambrosius manages to knock Didymus off. Ambrosius locks himself in a goblin house.

Didymus:
Ambrosius, you coward! Ambrosius!

The ponies and their friends are still looking for Didymus. As they turn a corner, they run into a group of goblin guards.

Magic Star:
Oh! Quick, in here!

Everyone runs into a goblin house--everyone except Ludo, who is too big for the door.

Shady:
Oh no, how will Ludo get in?

Ludo pulls the wall apart, walks in the house, and pulls the wall closed behind him.

Shady:
Oh.

Goblin:
You in there, you're surrounded!

Gusty:
Two words: bite me!

Goblin:
Huh?

Ludo (looking out from the chimney):
Surrounded?

Magic Star (whacking a goblin trying to climb in the window):
Get out!

Megan:
Ludo, call the rocks!

Ludo:
Huh? Oh!

Ludo begins howling. The ponies, Megan, and Hoggle continue whacking goblins trying to get in the windows. Soon, rocks begin rolling around the streets, called by Ludo.

Gusty (looking out the window):
This gives a whole new meaning to rock and roll.

Meanwhile . . .

Didymus:
Ambrosius, unlock the door!

Someone taps Didymus on the shoulder. Turning, he sees its one of the many goblin knights surrounding him.

Didymus:
Huh? So, had enough, have you? All right, then, throw down your weapons, and I'll see you're well treated!

The goblin knights prepare to attack Didymus, but are knocked down by Ludo's rocks. The entire party of ponies and their friends run up a minute later.

Magic Star:
Didymus!

Didymus (to the goblin knights):
Next time, surrender!

Ludo, Didymus and Ambrosius, Hoggle, Megan, and the ponies start toward the castle again. A group of goblins stands in the street, preparing to stop them. Ludo summons up some rocks, which roll towards the goblins.

Goblin captain:
Steady, men! Steady, men! Hold your ground!

The rocks knock the goblins over.

Goblin captain:
Okay, I take it back. Run for your lives!

Goblin:
I've had enough! I'm going to bed!

Rocks roll into the goblin's house as he enters.

Goblin:
Get out of the house! Ow, ow!

Hoggle:
Let's go!

Megan:
Okay, come on!

A goblin with a cannon sees the ponies. A huge rocks lands on the cannon just as the goblin gives the order to . . .

Goblin:
Fire!

Goblin Cannonball:
Ow!

Goblin:
Hey, I just fired you!

Gusty:
This way! Come on!

The party dodges another goblin with machine gun type weapon.

Goblin:
Now we have you!

A huge rock falls on the goblin.

Hoggle:
And now you don't!

Goblin (squashed):
Hey, no problem!

Fizzy:
Sir Didymus!

Didymus:
Coming! Hi-ho Silver!

Everyone rushes into the castle and up the stairs. Of course, the throne room is empty.

Didymus:
Whoa, boy. Whoa, big fella.

Gusty:
Aw, he's gone!

Shady:
Oh no!

Hoggle (heading towards another staircase):
Well, then, come on!

Magic Star:
No, we must face him alone--just us and Megan.

Didymus:
Why?

Hoggle:
Yes, why?

Gusty:
Because a) if we can't handle the situation, a fur coat, dwarf, and Yorkshire terrier won't help much and b) that's the way it's done.

Didymus:
I'm not a Yorkshire terrier! I am a loyal knight! But . . . if that is the way it is done, then that is the way you must do it. But should you need us . . .

Ludo:
Urrr!

Hoggle:
Yes, should you need us . . .

Magic Star:
We'll call.

Megan:
Thank you, you three!

The ponies and Megan go up the stairs. The room above looks like an Escher design; stairs go up all sides of the walls, and it is hard to tell which way is up.

Gusty:
Hm, someone needs a new architect, I think.

Magic Star:
Trippy.

The ponies and Megan wander around, trying to figure out the dynamics of the room. Suddenly, Jareth appears across the room.

Jareth (singing):
How you've turned my world, you precious thing!

Gusty:
Hey, look, Mr. Spandex is back!

Jareth (singing):
You starve and near exhaust me . . .

Shady:
We starve you? Good thing--otherwise those tights wouldn't fit at all!

Jareth (singing but beginning to look annoyed):

Everything I've done, I've done for you!
I move the stars for no one!
You've run so long, you've run so far!
You're eyes can be so cruel . . .

Fizzy:
Hey, are you just saying that because I'm a Twinkle-Eyed pony or what?

Jareth (singing and definately looking annoyed):
. . . just as I can be so cruel!

Magic Star:
No kidding! Wearing those tights is the cruelest thing I've ever seen!

Megan and all the ponies shudder.

Jareth (singing and looking positively livid):
Though I do believe in . . . (stops singing) Would you please stop commenting on my tights?! I like my tights, okay?! I like them and I feel okay about wearing them!! Now will you please let me FINISH THIS SONG???

Gusty:
Okay, okay. Sheesh.

Jareth (resumes singing):
Though I do believe in you!
Yes, I do!
Live without the sunlight!
Love without your heartbeat!
I . . . I can't live within you!

Jareth stops singing. All the ponies wait a minute or two to see if he's going to go on, then applaud politely.

Megan:
Uh, that was great. Now can we please have--Baby Lickety-Split! Spike!

Baby Lickety-Split and Spike have just appeared on a platform below Megan and the little ponies.

Baby Lickety-Split:
Megan! Magic Star!

Spike:
You found us!

Magic Star:
Don't worry, we'll save you both!

Gusty:
That's right!

Gusty leaps down and lands on the platform below--but Baby Lickety-Split and Spike disappear as she lands.

Gusty:
OOF!! HEY!! Where did they go?

Gusty turns toward Jareth as the other ponies and Megan run down the stairs and join their friend.

Suddenly, the Escher room is gone and they are all standing outside in a surreal environment.

Jareth:
Little ponies and Megan, beware! I have been generous up until now!

All:
GENEROUS???

Fizzy:
What did you do that's generous?

Jareth:
Everything! Everything you wanted I have done! You asked me to take the baby pony and dragon; I took them! You cowered before me--

Gusty:
WHAT? I don't think so!

Jareth (glaring at Gusty):
I was frightening!

Megan (whispering to Magic Star):
Well, his tights were frightening!

Magic Star (whispering to Megan):
And his lip gloss!

Megan (whispering to Magic Star):
What about the glitter everywhere? Maybe he was trying to choke us with it!

Megan and Magic Star giggle.

Jareth (glaring):
A-HEM! Yes. Well. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside- down. And I have done it all for you! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?

Megan:
Well . . . no.

Jareth:
NO???

Megan:
It reminds me of something I read in this book . . . where did I put it?

Megan pulls out the book she found in the room with the old toys. Jareth's mouth falls open.

Jareth:
DAMN!!

Megan:
Dang it, I can't find the part I want . . . I just keep running into the same passage: "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City. For my will is as strong as yours. And . . ."

Jareth:
Stop! Wait!

Megan:
Huh?

A crystal appears in Jareth's hand.

Jareth:
Look, Megan. Look what I'm offering you--your dreams!

Shady:
I didn't know your dream was a snowdome, Megan! Gee, I got you a scarf for Christmas!

Gusty:
What's so great about a soap bubble, anyway?

Fizzy:
Yeah! Even I can do that!

Fizzy concentrates and uses her magic to make bubbles appear.

Jareth:
SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!!

Fizzy:
So what comes next in that funny book, Megan?

Megan (looking at the book):
Uh . . . "beyond the Goblin City, blah blah blah". . . Oh, here we go . . . "And my kingdom is as great."

Jareth:
I ask for so little! Just let me rule over you and you can have everything that you want!

Megan:
". . . kingdom is as great . . ." The writing's all smudged here.

Megan squints at the page.

Jareth:
Just fear me, love me, do as I say, don't make fun of my tights . . .

Magic Star:
A slave who orders around his "master"? Ha!

Gusty:
Not make fun of your tights? Ha!

Megan:
". . . my kindom is as great . . . my kingdom is as great . . ." Oh, here we go--I can read it if I hold it up to the light. "You have no power over me!"

The world around Megan and the ponies suddenly changes. They find themselves back in Ponyland, in Paradise Estates, the home of the Little Ponies.

Megan (looking around):
Was it something I said?

Shady:
Hooray! We're home!

Fizzy (giggling):
That was really fun! Let's do that again soon! Let's . . .

Gusty:
HA! You couldn't pay me enough to get near those tights again!

Magic Star:
Look, everyone! It's Spike and Baby Lickety-Split!

Sure enough, the baby pony and baby dragon are also home.

Spike:
I knew we'd be saved!

Baby Lickety-Split:
Yay! Home again!

Gusty:
I'm glad you guys are home! I guess you can play soccer with the adults--as long as you look where you're going.

Baby Lickety-Split:
Oh! Thank you, Gusty!

Baby Lickety-Split hugs Gusty.

Gusty (looking embarrassed):
Yeah, yeah, don't mention it.

Shady (glancing in a mirror in the room):
AIEEEE!!!

Ludo is reflecting in the mirror, but is not in the room.

Ludo:
Goodbye, Mewan!

His image fades and Didymus appears in the mirror.

Didymus:
And remember, fair maiden and . . . and fair equines . . . should you ever need us . . .

Next Hoggle appears.

Hoggle:
Yes, should you ever need us for any reason at all . . .

Gusty:
We do need you, Hoggle!

Hoggle:
You--you DO?

Shady:
We DO?

Gusty:
Yep. You and Ludo and Didymus and his mutt. We need all of you!

Hoggle:
Well, why didn't you say so!

Hoggle,
Ludo, Didymus, and Ambrosius appear in the room, along with scores of other Labyrinth creatures.

Ludo:
Par-ty! Par-ty!

Firey:
You said it, man!

Gusty:
Are you kidding? We need you to help repaint Paradise Estates! Masquerade and Wind Whistler have been bugging us about it for weeks!

Magic Star:
Oh, that's right! Good thinking, Gusty!

Hoggle:
You . . . you want us to PAINT?

Fizzy (giggles):
Yeah! What else would we call you for, silly?

Hoggle:
Uh . . . I was thinking more if you needed a little fantasy in your life or something.

Magic Star (laughing):
Are you kidding? We're talking ponies living in a magical land! Why would we need more fantasy?

Didymus, Hoggle, and Ludo look at each other.

Didymus:
Well . . . I am never one to shrink at helping!

Ludo:
Ludo help!

Hoggle:
Cor! We can have a painting party!

Bushwoolies:
Yeah yeah! A painting party! Yeah yeah!

All the ponies get out paint and brushes and cheerfully begin painting with the help of the Labyrinth creatures.

Meanwhile, Jareth is sitting alone in his throne room.

Jareth (grumbling):
Still no one to play Scrabble with!

Jareth looks morosely into a mirror.

Jareth:
Hmm, maybe the tights are a bit much . . .

Cut to the credits.

Chorus:

My Little Goblin, My Little Goblin!
All our wrongs have turned to rights!
My Little Goblin, My Little Goblin!
No more looking at those tights!
Jareth is bitter, circled by glitter;
Maybe we'll see him around!
My Little Goblin, My Little Goblin!
Hope you had fun underground!
I hope you had fun underground!

---