Heyoo, Rainbow. How is my fine kitchen cleaner doing today?

I'm busy.

Busy? How could you possibly be busy when you have me to write about?

I have other stories I'm working on.

*Dramatic gasp* You whore!

Ow! Why'd you slap me?

I thought we were special. I thought I was important to you.

You do know you're a figment of my imagination?

Can a figment do this?

OW! Goddammit Joker, stop hitting me!

That's what your mom said to me last night.

Looks like we've already stooped to immaturity now.

Please, son. I put the "I'm" in immaturity.

You don't pronounce immaturity like that.

Whatever. This is just text anyway and those idiot readers don't understand what the joke even means.

I don't know what you mean!

That's because you're special. But in the bad way.

And you're annoying. In the "I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it to the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it than continue listening to you" type of way.

You like Spongebob, don't you RainbowBob?

... Ughhhhhh. Check my name and avatar pic one more time.

No time! My fans are calling for me!

After you called them idiots?

I verbally abuse you all the time and you're still here.

Against my will.

And I'll just say what your parents have told you when you wanted to follow your dreams, I don't give a damn!

"Tick tock, Twinkles. You don't want your precious friends blowing up anytime soon, do you?" the Joker asked, the trigger gripped tightly in his hand and a wicked grin plastered on his snow white face.

Twilight was busy have a small mental breakdown in her head. Her eyes were glued to the small device before her, two buttons that held the fate of those she loved. The left would kill all the townsfolk. The ponies who welcomed her to Ponyville, accepted her, and became her friends. The right would kill Spike. Her little baby dragon, her little brother, and #1 assistant. Both sides poor souls who deserved none of this.

"Joker, ya'll better stop this right now!" shouted Applejack.

"Ooh, touchy touchy hillbilly we have here. Let me speak in the language of your people so you can understand me." The Joker cleared his voice and crossed his eyes in a ridiculous manner while sticking out his tongue. "Ah ain't gonna be stoppin' an' time soons, so shat ya trap ya idjit!"

Applejack blushed in shame at his spot on imitation of her accent. Rarity was the next to try to cool the fire burning in the maniac's pancreas, the known source of crazy in the body. "Um, dear, wouldn't it be a much better idea getting rid of these dreadful explosives and having a careful discussion on therapy sessions for you instead?" she asked innocently, giving her best attempt at a forced smile.

Contemplating for a moment, the Joker pulled his pants open and checked their contents. "Nope, still have a penis. Next!"

Pinkie Pie, of course, was the next up. "Mr. J, we can have a big ol' 'Welcome to Ponyville' party. We'll get cupcakes, root beer, hay fries, and even a-"

"Pinkie, you're annoying," Joker interrupted, his sharp chin resting in his hand. "You don't stop talking, and by far you're worse than ten Harleys. Go and die in a hole or something."

Pinkie's hair lost its usual puffiness and fell flat to her skull. Her deep blue eyes filled with tears and if one was to listen closely, one could hear her heart break into teeny tiny pieces.

The Joker turned his attention from the depressingly pink pony to the quivering yellow pegasus hiding behind her friends. "Hey, butterbutt. Buzz off." Fluttershy didn't need anymore prompting. Squeaking in a quite adorable manner, she took to the hills, or at least to a pair of bushes off the side of the road.

Noticing that Twilight was the last one left to address him, he impatiently lightly tapped on the button of his kill switch. "So then, Twinkie, got anything to say? Something pretentious or optimistic I'm sure."

Small tears sprung from the sides of Twilight's eyes. Her voice was straining as she asked, "Why?"

The Joker's smile only widened. "I'm sorry dear, might want to speak louder."

"Why. Why would you do this? To all these ponies who you didn't even know. To those at the Gala. To the Princesses. To me. How could you throw that all away?" she yelled at the top of her voice, her heart beating a mile and minute, but she still refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing her shed a single tear. "How could you throw our friendship away?"

"You really want to know why?" the Joker replied, tapping his chin absently with the trigger that had the power to kill everyone around them. "I'll tell you. It's a joke."

The widening of Twilight's eyes and her slack jawed expression only enlarged his teeth filled grin. "Isn't that what life is, essentially? Some big ol' joke, where we're the poor sucker who gets caught in the middle and the punchline is our deaths! I'm just doing what everyone loves, a little prank to speed up the punchline! And I'll be damned if everyone isn't laughing at the end of it!" His usual joyful demeanor turned a sick shade of twisted mentality as spittle flew from his mouth when he was done ranting.

Twilight reached two conclusions at that particular moment. The Joker was completely and utterly insane; driven over the edge of madness while riding a unicycle and playing a trombone while juggling chainsaws. The second was that he was dead serious about blowing the town or Spike to smithereens.

"Now then, Sparky, are you gonna make the decision or what?" the Joker asked, pointing at both sides of town. "Either it's going be the town or your precious little, um, gecko thingy."

"You better not harm one little scale on my Spikey wikey's head! And don't even think about laying a finger on Sweetie Bell or my family!" Rarity shouted, not in the least deterred by the Joker's madness filled glare.

"You ain't gonna be hurting mah family or friends anytime soon, ya yellow belly liver!" Applejack joined the white unicorn's side in righteous female deviance.

Fluttershy managed to be dragged out of the bushes by Applejack and forced to stand in front of a clearly bored out of his mind Joker. She wanted to run, she wanted to hide, she wanted a double decker ice cream sundae to drown her troubles in. But those things wouldn't happen anytime soon.

"Do you guys mind hurrying this along? I have ponies to kill and the latest episode of my favorite show is coming on soon," the Joker complained, tapping his watch impatiently.

The yellow pegasus was in a paralyzed state, her mind drawing in on itself and abandoning her body. But a sudden thought peppered her brain until she was forced to confront it. Her animals, her friends, and her town needed them. And she wasn't about to let them down. Striking an imposing stance, which amounted to making the Joker giggle, she said, "Listen here, you meanie. Me and my friends have been nothing but nice to you, and this is how you repay us? I want you to put that detonator down and apologize to all these ponies this instant!"

Her eyes widened until they were like two pools of cyan that one could leap into and never reach the bottom of. The Joker was drawn to them, entranced, unable to look away from that penetrating gaze. The Stare, Fluttershy's ability to quell even the most headstrong soul with a single glance. It was as if an unseen force was entering him, controlling his mind. Unfortunately for that force, the Joker's mind couldn't be controlled. His mind was so shattered and disjointed that there wasn't much of a mind to control.

Instead of obeying her commands, he still held onto the detonator, and his already stretched out grin continued to grow, like his face was made out of putty and someone was pulling it apart. Now it was Fluttershy who was scared. Those crimson red eyes made her skin crawl and bleed. They whispered to her with their enticing gaze. Whispered secrets of murders, of blood, of death, and the most vile crimes ever committed. They were the portals to hell, and she was standing on the edge. And hell's master was about to kick her over.

"Listen you insignificant little cretin, nobody orders the Joker around! You dare speak to me like that again and I'll tear the hair from your body, rip the skin from your bones with a rusty knife, and wear your hide as a coat!" the Joker said through the clenched teeth of that impeccable smile of his. Fluttershy stood up for a grand total of two seconds before she fainted of an unbelievable amount of fright. Ignoring the downed pegasus, the Joker shouted to the rest of the ponies, "Now that that mistake is over, is anyone next? No, then I guess it's blowy up time!"

Before the Joker could press the detonator everypony screamed, "Nooooooooo!"

"Ba humbug, make up your mind already then!" he shouted, pouting now.

Twilight's eyes shifted from side to side, the towns ponies and Spike. Each of the Ponyville residents were shivering in fear, pleading with their eyes to Twilight for them not to die. Spike could barely keep his eyes open, the concussion he recieved from the Joker threatening to tip him over into dreamland. Both choices unthinkable to make, yet here she was, with the lives of countless in her hooves.

Seconds passed, which was about the limit of the Joker's attention span. "That's it!" he hollered at the gathered masses, "I'm tired of waiting! If I don't see someone explode in the next five seconds, then you all go kabloom! Five!"

Sweat poured like a river down Twilight's face.

"Four!"

Her hooves trembled. She slowly reached out her hoof over the two buttons on the device.

"Three!"

"Oh for the love of Celestia, please stop!" Twilight sobbed, her eyes closed trying to suppress her tears.

"Two!"

Twilight screamed, the scream of a wild animal caught in a trap. The scream of a victim who can't stop their attacker. The scream of the helpless.

"One!"

Twilight's eyes opened, staring at the hoof pressed firmly to the device. She retrieved her hoof, her entire body trembling from the rush of adrenaline that kicked into her system. It only took a few moments for what just happened to click in her brain.

"No explosion," she whispered.

"Congratu-fucking-lations egghead! You figured it out!" the Joker said.

"W-why?" she asked, disbelief and relief both coursing through her like a tidal wave.

"Well, first off, I didn't have quite enough dynamite to blow up everyone in the first place. They're actually just paper towel rolls painted red with blinking LED lights. You got a dummy device that does nothing. Secondly, it was much more fun seeing you squirm like that."

The Joker jumped from the ruined statue of the Princess of the Sun and landed on his feet. He walked over to the purple mare, all the while twirling the enormous hammer in his hand he was saving for later. "And thirdly, I wanted to prove a point. You ponies always spout on about love, friendship, and other bullshit. But when placed in a situation where none of those things matter, where death is the only factor, you're no better than me. So congrats Twinkles, you just proved me right. The only thing separating you from me is the thin shield of morality that cracks easier than glass."

The Joker raised the hammer above his head, all the while grinning a smile only a dead mother could love. "And for proving me right, here's the reward, a joke. What's purple and red and dead all over? You!"

He brought the hammer down with enough force to crush the unicorn, but a certain orange mare jumped in the way and managed to pull her friend from death's smiling grasp. But the Joker was able to change the angle of his swing, and the two ponies weren't able to clear the impact zone. "Here's the punchline!"

Doom was destined to befall Twilight and Applejack, but luckily a pink blur leaped atop the Joker's head and started smacking the ever living hell at him with her hooves. "No one hurts my friends you big, dumb, butt-head!" Pinkie yelled, her hooves no letting up in their beat down of the Joker's face.

"Get off me you pink monstrosity!" The Joker grabbed the pink mare from her flat mane and slammed her to the ground. "Time to turn you into frosting!" Before he could even bring his hammer above his head there was Rarity with the handle gripped in her mouth.

"You bitch!" He punched the white unicorn to release her hold of his weapon. Blood spurted from her nose and she fell like a stone to the ground. The Joker's hair was disheveled, his once perfectly tailored suit ripped and dirtied, but his smile was the same demonically possessed smile of a murderer before he killed his victims. "You. Shall. All. DIE!"

But there was one flaw in his plan. The 'all shall die' part seemed to relate to the entire town now, since everyone was quickly getting over the shock of not being edible chunks and were fast to confront their tormentor. Nearly all the citizens of Ponyville lined up, many digging their hooves into the ground and leaning forward in preparation for attack.

Seeing the town he faked into believing they were about to die standing in front of him on the assault, the Joker could only laugh in amusement. Pulling out the detonator for the explosives, he says, "You guys really think I would set a bunch of dynamite all over the place without making sure at least one set was real? Let's see who gets the surprise!"

He pushed the button, which was followed by a deafening boom. The spot where Spike once laid blew up into smithereens, smoke and fire the replacement for the purple dragon. Twilight raced to where her assistant once was, but only a smoldering pit was left. She stared at the smoking crater for what felt like several small eternities before her vision blurred with tears. Her legs trembled and gave way, the unicorn falling to the ground as she began to cry. "No," she muttered to herself as she screwed her eyes shut. She repeated the word over and over again, as if the simple chant would turn back time to before the Joker ever arrived and destroyed her world.

"Twilight," a voice whispered in her ear. The purple mare opened her eyes to the face of her beloved Spike before her, alive and well. She wrapped her hooves around him, holding him close so he may never leave her side again.

"Oh Celestia, Spike, you're alive! How did you survive?"

The dragon could only manage to lift his arm and point to the flying figure that suddenly appeared high above them before he slipped into unconsciousness.

"C-celestia," Twilight sputtered, amazed that her teacher had just arrived. Ponies bowed to the ground for the Princess, while many just fell over with the sheer amount of drama that played over them in the past five minutes. Celestia descend from the heavens (really, it was only ten feet) and addressed the Joker. "Joker, you are hereby placed under arrest for crimes against pony kind."

The Joker checked his watch and said, "Oh, I would love to Celly, but I left the stove on at some random house I broke into and I really want to see the place light up. So I'll just be on my way..."

A magical field surrounded the fleeing clown and levitated him to the Princess' piercing gaze. Bags were under her eyes and exhaustion threatened to overtake her, but still she held strong. "You harmed my ponies and set my city ablaze. Which is why you're going to be locked up for as long as possible, you can be sure of that. You lose, Joker."

"Oh, I think you're mistaken Celly," the Joker said, his attention drawn to where Twilight was holding Spike in her hooves. Tears poured down her face, tears for what she did, the decision she made in that split second that should have resulted in death, but instead was a cruel joke. "Your precious little student learned something today: she learned that when the chips are down, she does have it in her to kill, to decide who lives and who dies. And that decision will haunt her for the rest of her life. I already won."