Leaky Secrets

by Blueshift

Chapter 1

“I can’t believe I’m in the presence of such a celebrity! I’m such a fan of yours!” Twilight half-quivered as she skipped about the comfortable private room in Canterlot castle. Usually it would have been the books that covered the walls, or the beautiful ornate fireplace that roared warmly that captured her attention, but today was different.

Today, she had met her hero.

Sitting in a plush chair, a glass of Celestia’s best wine clutched in his hooves was a strange albino pony. His coat and unkempt long mane were completely white, while his eyes were large and red, flicking between his glass and Twilight as he savoured the taste. To Twilight though, he was not just a strange pony. He was a legend.

“Nonsense, Twilight!” he smiled, waving a hoof in bashful admonishment. “I’m only a humble disseminator of knowledge! Any pony would have done what I did!” He slumped back into his chair with a sigh. “It is just so hard to be so selfless!”

Twilight instantly leapt to his side, pushing another cushion under his head and offering him a chocolate from a silver platter. “No, Leaky Secrets, no!” she cried. “Don’t put yourself down, you’ve done such tireless work in exposing the corruption and lies of foreign governments.”

“I know, it’s all good work.” Leaky Secrets placed a hoof on his forehead dramatically. “But it all gets to me Twilight! The constant persecution! The endless dinner parties. Do you know how many cocktail events I have to suffer through, and all the beautiful mares who hang on my every word? If I could only escape the wretched life…” He shook his head. “But my duty is too strong. I alone must carry the burden of my mission and my incredible bank balance.”

Leaky Secrets had first risen to prominence two summers ago when while living in the Griffon Republic, he had printed a newsletter entitled “Leaky’s Leaks.” At first this was just a pamphlet advertising plumbing services, but a printing mishap resulted in the third issue containing not a fold-out kitchen sink poster but detailed reports concerning secret and illegal action undertaken by the local police force.

Meanwhile the police commissioner received a lovely poster featuring five types of kitchen sink.

Leaky’s pamphlet was disseminated far and wide, and led to the police chief being arrested and locked in a high security nest. Soon, Griffons from all over the country were anonymously sending him secrets to publish. His fame and fortune grew as “Leaky’s Leaks” became the top publication in the city and then the country. More secrets came in; from Goatlandia, Penguinopolis and even as far abroad as Hull.

He was loved and feared in equal measures. As his knowledge grew so did his power, and he could topple governments with a flex of his hooves.

Of course, pride comes before a fall. In this case, it was accusations by the Griffonian government that Leaky had gone on a two week crime spree; robbing casinos, using the elderly as surfboards, blowing up public schools and crossing the road without looking both ways. The evidence was flimsy at best, with the prosecutors only able to come up with five hundred witnesses, hoofprints at the scenes of all the crimes, and video evidence. Leaky had done the only sensible thing: denied all the charges, claimed political persecution and hid in the Equestrian Embassy until rescue came.

Leaky took another sip of wine as he relaxed in the luxurious chamber. “It’s a shame, Twilight,” he shook his head, “how the Griffonian government went to such lengths to try to catch me. Paying all those witnesses to lie, faking those hoofprints…”

“What about the twelve reels of film?” Twilight asked, wide-eyed.

“Oh, those were just recordings of marsh gas reflecting off Venus,” Leaky dismissed the claim with another wave of his hoof. “And do you know those vile griffons actually threatened to storm the Equestrian Embassy? Have they no morals?”

“I know.” Twilight cast her eyes downwards. “You showed them up for what they really are, Leaky. Corrupt and willing to break several international laws to capture an innocent hero. It’s just lucky that there were five hundred miles of sewers under the embassy to aid your escape.”

“Yes,” Leaky shuddered at the thought. “Lucky.” He shook his head to dismiss such memories, and then smiled at Twlight. “But now Celestia has offered to put me up in her castle, and I have such wonderful, devoted friends like you by my side.” He brushed a hoof against Twilight’s hair, causing her to blush. His expression hardened. “But we should never forget the brave griffon who sent me all those secrets who right now lies in jail without hope of freedom. Terry, or Todd or something. Him.”

“You’re so compassionate!” Twilight swooned, heart fluttering as she moved slightly closer to Leaky until her nose was inches from his. “A selfless freedom fighter in this terrible age!”

“Oh Twiglet Spackle!” Leaky embraced Twilight, and the two shared a passionate kiss by the fireside. Leaky pulled back quickly to look into Twilight’s big round eyes. “Twiglet, I don’t care that you’re the princess’s favourite and a well-connected famous pony. I only care that you’re you, and I’m me, and we’re here right now!”

“Leaky, Leaky!” Twilight started to smother him with kisses, before, pausing. “Uh, do you want to take a shower first?”

“No time!” Leaky cried, as he carried Twilight upstairs.


Twilight awoke in a crumpled bed to the sound of birds tweeting outside her window, and the warm light of the sun gently trickling over her. “Oh, what an enchanting evening!” she moaned happily, as she stretched and opened her eyes.

The space in the bed next to her was empty.

Twilight rose, still unsteady from sleep as she rubbed her eyes. “Spike?” she called. “Have you seen Leaky?” She fumbled her hooves over her bedside table to update her diary with the previous day’s events, but her hooves found nothing.

Twilight stared at the space where her diary once sat. In its place was a crumpled envelope. “Spike?” she called, a bit more unsteadily this time. “Have you seen my diary?” She picked up the envelope, slowly opening it to reveal a hastily written letter.

“Twilight!” Spike burst into the room, panting, his face red from exertion. “You’ve got to come quick! Somepony’s stolen all of Princess Celestia’s letters!”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed as they read the letter:

Dear Twiglet,

Thanks for last night, it was pretty okay I guess. Sorry I had to dash; I had some paperwork to pick up. Please send the rest of my stuff to the Penguinopolan Embassy where I’ll shortly be seeking political asylum. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.


The letter was signed off with a smiley face.

Twilight scrunched the letter into a ball and crushed it underhoof. “Spike!” she bellowed, “get a very large battering ram and a gelding iron.” Her right eye began to twitch. “We’re about to violate several international laws!”

Return to Story Description


Login with