The Faculty Hotness Ranking

by CategoricalGrant

Chapter 1: I'm Not Mad. I'm Just Very, Very Disappointed.

Gallus groaned and leaned his head back against the wall. “Du-ude, we are so screwed!”

From his seat next to Gallus on the bench, Sandbar shifted uncomfortably. “C-c’mon Gallus, it can’t be that bad…right?” Sandbar looked over to the other colts that he and Gallus shared a room with, looking for some encouragement.

The others just mumbled incoherently and looked around in all directions.

“Sandbar,” Gallus reiterated, his gaze fixed squarely on the ceiling, “we are screwed, okay? It’s over. We’ll be lucky if we’re not expelled!”

Sandbar opened his mouth to respond, but before he could do so, the door to the counselor’s office opened and Princess Headmare Twilight Sparkle trotted out. Closing the door behind her, she eyed the group of five sharply. Exhaling, she closed her head and shook her head, as if trying to clear it of an incredibly intrusive thought. “I really can’t believe it. I have no idea what to even say to you five.”

Sandbar started to speak, but was preempted by one of Twilight’s hooves.

“I don’t want to hear it. I’m going to pretend like this little incident never happened. You will march into Counselor Glimmer’s office together, and she will decide what punishment is fitting.” Turning her attention down the hallway, she marched away from the group. “SPIKE!” she cried loudly. “MAKE ME SOME CHAMOMILE TEA!”

One of Gallus and Sandbar’s roommates, a pegasus colt by the name of Silver Lining, cleared his throat. “…S-so, should we, like…go in?”

Groaning again in the exasperated fashion that he was so fond of, Gallus stood to his paws and talons. “Let’s just get this over with.”

A timid knock at the door was followed by a terse response.

“Come in.”

Gallus opened the door, and with their heads bowed, the four ponies and the griffon shuffled their way into the counselor’s office. Those who ventured a gaze upward found a stern and unforgiving expression behind the room’s imposing desk: Starlight Glimmer’s eyes were as circular as dinner plates, with small, piercing pupils. Her lips, pursed tightly, were mostly hidden behind a pair of hooves pressed tightly together, as if in concentration.

Gallus, Sandbar and two of their roommates took a tentative seat on Starlight’s couch, not daring to make themselves comfortable on the off chance that they had to promptly run for their lives. This, however, left no room for an awkwardly standing Silver Lining. After looking around, he cleared his throat. “U-um…”

Without moving her body in the slightest, Starlight Glimmer’s horn lit up in a magenta glow, and a seat quickly moved from a far corner of the room, sliding itself under Silver Lining.

The assembled accused remained silent, slowly withering under the school counselor’s piercing glare. Slowly, Starlight’s eyes panned to the left, then to the right as she took in the sorry lot that had been hauled before her.

The first sound the students heard from Starlight was a long, sharp exhalation, coming from her nostrils. When it had ended, Starlight moved her body for the first time since they had entered, lowering her hooves down to her desk. This exposed her taut, pursed lips for all to see, causing them all to shrink back even further.

Starlight’s horn lit up again, floating a piece of paper in front of her. It remained there for several seconds, blocking her face from view. Then, she floated it to the side and scanned the students again. Her eyes settled on Sandbar. “Sandbar,” she began, her voice calm and far too cold for comfort. “Why don’t you read the title of this page out loud for us?”

Sandbar swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat as the paper floated over to him. Reaching out with a shaking hoof, he nabbed it out of the air. He hesitated for a moment.

“Go on.”

Sandbar cleared his throat again. “Th-The Official School of F-Friendship F-Faculty Hotness R-R-Ranking.”

Starlight nabbed the page with her magic again. “The Official School of Friendship Faculty Hotness Ranking…” she repeated, emphasizing each word. Her eyes snapped to focus on Gallus. “Gallus,” she continued, floating the page over to him, “Why don’t you read this official ranking out loud for the rest of us?”

A chill ran down Gallus’ spine, causing him to convulse strangely. “I-I’d rather not.”

Read it,” Starlight ordered, her voice taking on a dark, authoritarian air.

Gallus’ talons shook as he brought the paper to his face. “A-ah…I…O-o-one…”

“Give me that,” Starlight sneered, snatching the paper from his grasp. She brought it over to her desk and begun enunciating the list clearly and loudly. “Number one, Professor Rarity. Number two, Professor Rainbow Dash. Number three, Headmare Twilight Sparkle. Number four, Counselor Starlight Glimmer. Number five, Professor Fluttershy. Number six, Professor Applejack. Number seven, Professor Pinkie Pie.”

The assembled students looked down at the ground, entirely overcome by the embarrassment of their situation. The list they had made had been posted on the wall in their room clearly, for any visitor to see, and they had been thoroughly found out. There was no more hiding; it was time to face the music.

“What do you have to say about this?” Starlight asked those assembled.

Sandbar was the first to speak up. “Counselor Glimmer, we…we’re sorry. There’s no excuse for our actions.”

“Apology not accepted!” Starlight cut back tersely. Pausing, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath to center herself. “I’m not mad, I’m just very, very disappointed in you all.”

The students shifted uncomfortably. “We…we know,” Gallus sighed.

“I mean, Twilight is higher on the list than me? You’re teenage colts, you should know better by now!”

Gallus’ brow furrowed as he tried to process what Starlight said. He cast a furtive glance over at Sandbar, who appeared to be equally as confused.

Starlight let out a sequence of tutting noises before continuing her analysis. “And Applejack should absolutely be in last place. I mean, she’s practically got the voice of a stallion, and I guarantee you she could beat up half the guys in Ponyville. Believe me, you do not want to be caught in love with that.”

Silver Lining, always the one to speak his mind before thinking, interjected. “Uh…wait…You’re, like, not mad at us because we were disrespecting mares?”

“Oh, you were disrespecting mares,” Starlight huffed, rolling her eyes. She tapped her hoof on the paper repeatedly. “Not appreciating a mare’s beauty in its entirety is disrespecting them! For instance, you put me below Rarity, which is fine. She’s got the whole whiny, high-maintenance thing going on, which some of you boys are into, for some reason. But placing Rainbow Dash above me is highly suspect, and there is certainly no justification for putting me below Twilight, A.K.A uptight, bossy, bangs mare.”

The students gaped at Starlight, completely unable to speak. Not that they had anything to say, of course.

“I mean, what did I do wrong?” Starlight asked them. “I’m the fun, sassy counselor! I have a glorious manedo, an immaculately brushed coat, a highly attractive color scheme, and a mischievous streak! I at least deserve second place.”

“…Wait…” Gallus narrowed his eyes. “We’re…not in trouble?”

“Oh, you are absolutely in trouble,” Starlight cut back. “This list is atrocious. Why on earth is Rainbow Dash above Fluttershy?”

“Fluttershy is a super nice teacher, but she’s so, like, timid. Rainbow Dash is sleek and athletic,” Silver Lining argued back. The other students looked at him with horrified expressions, unable to even imagine defending themselves in this situation.

Starlight shook her head, incredulous. “Uh,” she cut back half-sarcastically, “You know that Fluttershy was literally a model, right?”

Silver Lining lifted a hoof to continue protesting, but the colt on the couch next to him stopped him with a hoof of his own.

Starlight huffed. “Worst of all, you put Pinkie Pie at the bottom of the list! I mean, she should be in the top four, easy. She’s the quintessential party mare. Why in Equestria did you rank her so low!?”

There was an awkard silence in the room as the students looked at their hooves or paws.

“I’m waiting for an answer.”

Sandbar bit his lip. “Well, it was because, you know…” He rolled his hoof in front of him as he searched for the right words. “She’s…carrying a little extra…weight.”

Starlight sat silently, pursing her lips, for almost twenty seconds. Then, she shook her head slowly. “You poor, poor kids. You think that’s a bad thing?”

The students shared an awkward glance, completely unsure of how and if to answer, much less the future direction of the conversation.

“No wonder none of you had dates to the spring dance,” Starlight sighed. “You wouldn’t know a good deal if it came and licked the side of your face.”

“…Hey!” Silver Lining protested, evidently more offended by the counselor’s words than worried about his own future at the school.

“Come on, boys, I mean, this is just sloppy work.” Starlight brought her mug up to her lips and took a long sip of a dark liquid. “I know that at least two of you have multiple female friends that could have helped polish this thing up. I guarantee you that if I went to the other boys’ dorm rooms, their lists are far more believable.”

“I’m not really sure what’s going on anymore,” Gallus stated plainly. “Miss Glimmer, can I ask a few questions?”

“Shoot,” Starlight said.

“So, first off, you’re not mad that we made the list in the first place?”

“Of course not. Who do you think I am, Twilight?” Starlight narrowed her eyes. “Don’t answer that. According to the list, you evidently think I’m worse than some uptight, bangs-wearing she-devil.”

“Oooookay,” Gallus responded, blinking rapidly. “But, we are still in trouble?”


“Because…we didn’t say you were hot enough?”

“Because your whole list is garbage and offensive to hot mares everywhere. Including me, yes.”

“I can’t feel the side of my face,” Sandbar half-slurred. “Am I having a stroke?”

“Now,” Starlight Glimmer sighed, rising to her hooves and pacing around the group. “I have been placed in charge of your punishment. I will give you two options. I know that Twilight has already seen your list, but the others haven’t. Option one is to show the list to the them-“

“NO!” the five students cried simultaneously, their bodies jerking as they launched into fight-or-flight positions.

“-So that they can laugh at your terrible reasoning and childish analysis.”

“Wh-what’s option two?” Gallus gasped. “Please, tell us option two!”

“Option two is that you all get an in-school suspension this weekend. You’ll be grounded in your quarters until you can show me a hotness list that is remotely believable, complete with a two-thousand-word essay explaining your rationale. Each.”

The shoulders of the students collapsed as the groaned. One by one, they muttered their quiet acceptance.

“Those are my students,” Starlight declared, the slightest hint of pride seeping into her words. “Now, go to your rooms and get to work, now. If I hear you went off campus before you submit your assignment, I’ll have Rainbow Dash personally find each of you and dish out her own punishment.”

Grumbling, but with their ears plastered to the sides of their heads, the students trudged out of the room. After the last one left, Starlight groaned and rolled her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. Trotting back over to her desk, she took a seat in her imposing chair and kicked her hooves up on the desk top. Her horn lit up, busting out a pack of polaroids from a drawer nearby.

As she casually perused her collection of candid pictures of Sunburst, she allowed herself a contented sigh. “What would those kids do without me?”

Author's Notes:

Just a short little something to tide you all over until after my next exam when I can get to work on more substantial things :3

Also thanks to Blackjack21, I now have an OFFICIAL FAN GROUP! Swing on by!

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