Well then, since this is going to be my first Rage Review, I might as well introduce myself. I call myself dominatusimperator (pretentious bastardized Latin is pretentious). Truthfully, that's all there is to it, and in this circumstance, all that matters. I can't say that I'm necessarily looking forward to this, since the very name "Rage Reviews" suggests that I'm going to have to find something that will drive me to drinking and cause me to lose hope in humanity. But I needed something to do, and what is better than reviewing fanfics on a pony site in a vitriolic fashion for the greater entertainment of mankind? I certainly have no idea.

So, the story for this review is The Perfect Flavor, by Shrinky Frod. The like/dislike ratio is a hazardous 11:10. Forgive me if I'm being panicky, but seeing any story that has dislikes equivalent to likes is enough to set alarm bells off in my head. I'm going to regret this, aren't I? Maybe I shouldn't do this.

Nonsense. I need to grow a pair. What if Winston Churchill had surrendered? What if the Soviets meekly bowed to the advancing armies? What if Admiral Nelson had said "fuck this noise" and went home? With that in mind, what if I don't review this? Well, I might spend a few hours playing Red Orchestra 2, but that's beyond the point. I need to do this.

Gah.      

Let us see what this...delightful specimen has to offer us.

Pinkie and Berry Punch have been hanging out a lot recently. When Pinkie invites Berry to join her in Sugar Cube Corner, is everypony’s favorite local lush about to get lucky?

Well, this doesn't seem so bad. I mean, I don't really read romances, but perhaps I can make an exception. Strange, though, I could swear that the tags said "Gore" and "Dark" in incarnadine and crimson. Maybe I misread.

...I didn't. Strange. I hope this isn't going to be...ugh. I shan't even speak it's name. I can only hope and pray. It's been overdone already.

Berry Punch has been starting to think that maybe Pinkie’s helping her out for more reasons than just wanting a drinking buddy.

She’s right, of course. She’s just very, very wrong about what those reasons are….

Written for the More Most Dangerous Game Competition; cover art cropped from original (click Source - original is SFW.)

Story reworked? Cupcakes.

Story reworked? Cupcakes.

Cupcakes.

Son of a bitch. Well, I've already committed myself. Too late now, I suppose. At least this review will be easy.

I find it somewhat odd that a Cupcakes spinoff has a teen rating. One would expect that a story from a "sub-genre", as it were, of stories that run off of torture and murder would have a heavier rating, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to be surprised every now and then. As long as the surprise in question isn't violating me.

The description itself is a bit short, but I suppose it fulfills what it set out to do rather well. Besides, it's a Cupcakes spinoff and doesn't require much in the way of a description. I know t hat this may seem like a double standard, since I would normally demand a longer description, but that singular word explains more to me than anything else in this description. I can already plot out the course of the story based on that singular word and the paltry two sentences received as an introduction.

As you can tell, I don't see the author's note as part of the introduction. A description should tell me what I need to know without such things. But that's more personal preference than anything.

The rest of the long description is a moderately large trigger warning list:

Alcohol abuse

Kidnapping

Physical and Psychological Torture

Wetting

Vivisection

Abortion

Murder

Group Cannibalism

Predation

...I'm going to regret this. At least the story in question seems to have decent grammar. Perhaps this won't be so bad, after all.

The first chapter of this story is titled "The Perfect Evening," and is a total of 1,045 words long.

Berry Punch was drunk.

Well, we certainly have a unique characterization for said background character right here! Never seen that before, no sir! In all seriousness, though, there's nothing wrong with this characterization in and of itself. It's more that it's been done to death and bit cliche. One becomes weary, you know. Anyhow, that's not important.

The next paragraph is spent describing how Berry Punch is a drunkard, and that Pinkie has become her stalwart, inseparable drinking buddy. It further notes that they have been raiding the Crystal "Castle's" (it's a bloody palace) cellars. The author lampshade hangs this by claiming that Twilight has received massive stockpiles of wine as gifts. Well, I could see that. I'm not entirely sure Twilight would let a drunkard hit the cellars, but whatever.

Again, I am rather impressed by the grammar (although the paragraphs lack indentation). It's refreshing to see a Cupcakes (and, indeed, fanfic) story that doesn't brutally deflower the English language. It's rather like finding a wolverine that not only doesn't tear out your throat, but actually makes you tea and biscuits, all while wearing a tophat and monocle. One has to ignore the fact that wolverine in question has a sadistic streak and destroys established characterization to make a certain pink equine torture her friend to death in order to consider said wolverine a gentle"man", however.

Let us proceed.

The next few paragraphs have a very hammered Berry Punch walking home with Pinkie. Interestingly, Pinkie's characterization is pretty accurate so far. She isn't immediately psychopathic, the author hasn't exaggerated her aspects in any way, and she seems genuinely caring. Pinkie and Berry arrive at Sugar Cube Corner, where Pinkie invites Berry in. Berry, naturally, agrees.

The next few paragraphs, beggaring belief, are actually mildly heartwarming, and, again, surprisingly accurate in terms of characterizing Pinkie, despite this being a Cupcakes story.

Ever since she'd started drinking with Pinkie, Berry hadn't woken up the next morning with a cold bed, mussed blankets, and a rapidly cooling imprint of shame and self-loathing next to her. She hadn’t had to scrub fluids of questionable origin out of her carpets. She hadn’t had to promise her daughter not to show up at school half-plastered again.

Pinkie Pie was turning Berry’s life around. And she was doing it without making her quit! As Berry grinned sheepishly up at Pinkie, the younger mare giggled at her antics and started to help her up to her hooves. No recrimination. No disappointment. No judgment. Pinkie simply offered acceptance of who she was, protection from the bad times, and companionship for the good.

You see, I suspect Pinkie would very much be this sort of individual. As the show ceaselessly demonstrates, Pinkie unequivocally gives her friendship to almost each and every single individual she meets.  In my mind, this increases the guilt of this story to a degree. Because ultimately, this proper characterization merely buries the improper, illogical and sadistic mis-characterization that defines Cupcakes. Of course, the never had Pinkie speaking in a fashion that was particularly out of character, but her actions were definitely contrary to her established nature. This story will likely be be no different. At least it isn't going the Pinkamina route, right? Right?

Upon entering the building, Berry Punch queries if the cakes will be angry with her being there. I'm sure you can already see where this is going.

“Not if we go downstairs,” Pinkie giggled, pointing towards the door that was just visible in the moonlight streaming through the windows. “Go on! I’ll be right behind you!”

Berry hesitates, not certain how she's going to get down the stairs in  her drunken state (I'd say that she is surprisingly clear minded for a drunk person, but I've never been fully intoxicated, so I wouldn't know). Berry hears Pinkie cautiously rifling around in the kitchen for pots and pans.

As she took in the scents of the bakery, something occurred to her.

Why would Pinkie be in the pots and –

It might have something to do with them being in a bakery. Pinkie could be making a snack. Why would rifling for pots and pans be suspicious? Most individuals wouldn't think twice about such a thing, and I doubt a drunk one would. That's like a child thinking, "My mother is in the kitchen going through pots and pans! She could be making me a snack, but I choose to believe that there's something very wrong with going for pots." This is especially true when you consider the fact that Pinkie is supposed to be very, very hospitable.  

“Pnygttnghtwfafrynpnsawha?” Came a muffled voice from behind her.

“What?” Berry asked, starting to turn around.

She barely had enough time to see Pinkie swinging the frying pan.

~Klang!~

Wait! Wait! What was that? Was that-

~Klang!~

Yes. It is. It's roleplaying onomatopoeia. Ignoring the fact that it lacks the asterisks that typically mark such things apart, one must stress that such marks and symbols are unnecessary. One could just as easily use  sentence to describe the quality of the sound, or simply write the word in bold letters.

Yes. I am nitpicking.

The first chapter ends here.

The second chapter is called "The Perfect Crime", and clocks out at 2,437 words, which is respectable.

This chapter begins with Berry's internal checklist of hangover conditions. It does take a while for Berry to realize that something is amiss. That comes in the form of a blindfold and being cuffed to something, and Pinkie sharpening a knife while humming to herself.

This of course leads to a dialogue between Pinkie and Berry.

As I predicted, the author is aware enough to understand that Pinkie never breaks from her verbal characteristics through the entirety of Cupcakes, although he does make one error in terms of characterization:

She only drinks when she has to, so it was really either you, or Dashie, and ponies would actually care if she went missing!”

That was overly malicious, and I suspect that even while murdering an individual, Pinkie wouldn't be that callous.  She certainly wasn't in the original. Despite that, the story does well at holding to the original, which it's supposed to, since it's a tribute. This at least puts this story on a level above most Cupcakes stories. Whether that can be considered a good thing or not is up to you.

After all, having a good quality Cupcakes story is very much like having a non-virulent form of Ebola. But I digress.

So, Pinkie removes Berry Punch's blindfold.

Pinkie moved, and Berry felt warm breath against her face, smelled the traces of wine and pastries on it before teeth closed gently around the blindfold and peeled it back. Blinking against the sudden return of light, Berry looked around what she was guessing was the basement, given where she’d been going before the whole frying pan incident.

She got as far as seeing the lovingly cared for knives hanging on the walls before she decided that she’d really rather have kept the blindfold on. She also decided to abandon the entire ‘not panicking’ idea she’d had before, and return to the suddenly much more sensible approach that presented itself.

Berry, like any individual in her situation would, starts panicking and screaming for help. This is, predictably, to no avail. This is followed up by an allusion to rape.

“Of course you will, Berry! I mean, it’s not like you’ve got a choice.” Pinkie leaned in, giving Berry a quick peck on the muzzle before she released it. “And what I want is all your tasty mare meat!”

“Pinkie, stop!” Berry tried instinctively to press her legs together. “Red! Hangover!” She wracked her brain, praying this was some sort of sick fantasy of Pinkie’s. “Pickle barrel! Kumquat! Rutabagahahahaha!” She trailed off into sobs just before Pinkie rolled her eyes and quickly tied the blindfold around her muzzle to keep it shut.

I still haven't made up my mind if this was meant to be a humorous pun. If it was, would that make it any better? For some inexplicable reason, I don't think so. In fact, making rape into a punny joke is a bit monstrous, for the singular express reason that it's a joke about rape. It's a great irony and a sign of hypocrisy, I suppose, that I'm okay with jokes about death, but not about rape. Regardless of that, this didn't draw even a hint of a smile out of me, so I would say that it failed as an attempt at humour, wouldn't you?

Pinkie tries to calm Berry.

“Not that mare meat, silly! Though it does give me an idea of where to start.” A sadistic grin spread across Pinkie’s face as she dropped back down onto all fours and went to fetch the knife she’d been sharpening.  

Okay, I understand that this is a Cupcakes story, and that sadism and degeneracy is to be expected, but this is just disgusting. Not even the original cupcakes went to the lengths that this story seems to be intent on setting up. This is truly sickening, and coming from a person who literally wrote a story about the SS taking over Equestria, and regularly earns Fluttershy's scorn, that is not a good thing at all. I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that this story is depraved enough to even suggest such things, and all things considered, it is at least adhering to what the trigger warnings advertised. Let not the description be called a liar, for this story plumbs the depths of depravity without even having Pinkie bring the blade down.

Berry manages to break free, breaks a table leg off and manages to hit Pinkie. But this being a Cupcakes story, this serves only to accelerate the violence, and Pinkie breaks Berry's leg.

Berry screamed again, shrieking in agony through her makeshift gag as her knee shattered. Acrid-smelling liquid seeped down the table from between her thighs, fear and pain finally getting the better of her long-taxed bladder.

Need I say more?

The next part is a bit strange in a slightly less depraved fashion.

Pinkie panted and stepped back, looking at the mess Berry had made, then reached up to gently probe the underside of her jaw. She felt a loose scrap of skin where she’d been cut by the jagged end of the table leg, and when she looked into a mirror to get a better look at it, smooth silver gleamed through the incision.

Is this story suggesting that Pinkie is not legitimately alive? Is it suggesting that she's a robot, or some form of Eldritch abomination? Is this even Pinkie? Hell if I know, the story never explains the silver sheen, although you can rest assured that it's going to use that sheen to attempt an impact filled, menacing and creepy ending. I haven't decided if that was sequel baiting or not.

So, Pinkie takes the time to clean the mess while Berry is in incoherent agony. Pinkie now ungags Berry. An exchange takes place, as one would expect.

“What are you?” She asked once her muzzle was untied, trying to think of anything but the agony in her leg.

That's what I'd like to know.

“I’m Pinkie! What else would I be?” Pinkie asked her innocently, going to retrieve another knife.

“You’re not Pinkie!” Berry fought not to scream it at her. “Pinkie wouldn’t do this!” The thing wearing Pinkie’s skin cocked her head in a perfect imitation of the party pony, as if considering Berry’s words.

“But I am doing this,” she pointed out after a few moments. “So obviously, I would!”

Not going to lie, that sounds like something Pinkie would say.

“Why are you doing this then?” Tears ran down Berry’s cheeks as she looked back up at the ceiling, away from the imposter.

“For Twilight, silly!” Not-Pinkie bounced back over with the first of the knives she was going to work with. “You know how I asked you allllll about wines for that big fancy party she’s holding for the griffons next week, right? Well, you’re gonna be there! As a matter of fact,” she giggled, “you’re gonna be the guest of honor!”

As far as motives go, this is at least more coherent than the original Cupcakes. It's still ridiculous and illogical, but I suppose that't the point. Sanity clearly isn't something you want your torturing serial killer to possess. The story seems to imply that Pinkie isn't in fact Pinkie, which is a bit of a nifty, if cheap, trick.

The next scene involves Pinkie psychologically torturing Berry with a Nightmare Night prop by making her believe that she had murdered Pinch, Berry's daughter (although for some inexplicable reason, the story initially refers to her as Ruby). Pinkie then promises that she won't harm "Pinchy" but that they will just have fun. This is implicit enough a threat to send Berry into a panic.

“If you so much as breathe on her, I’ll kill you. I don’t know how, but I will kill you.”

“Good thing I’m going to be doing it to you first then!” Not-Pinkie gagged Berry again. Then she picked up the first knife, holding it carefully in her pastern.

The following torture scene is mercifully short. I would argue that Cupcakes stories are to a degree required to go into detail with regards to the murders in question. The original operated solely on the formula of high impact violence. This leaves me in a difficult position. On the one hand, torturing individuals for the sake of torture is vile on so many different levels, on the other, is it truly a Cupcakes spinoff without detailed, biologically inaccurate descriptions of exaggerated and quite frankly, disturbingly comical violence? I'll leave that up to you.

“Oh, Berry! You didn’t tell me you were drinking for two! This is just perfect!”

In a horrible instant, Berry’s attention was back on her gaping abdomen, and the slick mess of blood and organs that had been pushed aside. As she watched, Not-Pinkie reached into her, cooing tenderly, and removed a tiny, wriggling mass of….

As Berry realized what was in those pink hooves, sweet insanity finally chose to grant her the mercy of claiming her mind.

What. This story...this story is filth. Not only does it have the gall to turn Pinkie into a psychopathic murderer, but it also has her murdering unborn babies after vivisecting their mothers! This disgusts me! This is vile, depraved, debaucherous and degenerate on a level that's indescribable to me. You know what? Fuck it. There's still one chapter left to this story, but at this point, I don't want to continue reviewing this.

While its grammatical quality and relatively well done characterization saved it from receiving a higher rating, this story angers me. I like to think that I have a high tolerance to this kind of thing, but this has exceeded my threshold, without even describing the violence in question in detail. The ideas that this story puts forth are horrifying, unethical, immoral. Perhaps this criticism is vaguely hypocritical on my part, but that makes it no less valid. At the end of the day, this is wrong, and it will remain so.

Perhaps I shouldn't have expected any level of decency from a Cucpakes fic. All things considered, it fulfills what it sets out to do. In that, at least, I cannot fault the story.

This is self explanatory.

Another Cupcakes fic, you've seen hundreds of these already.

Fetus murder. Those two words explain it all.

Fetus murder. Again, those two words explain it all.