You know, other than the birds, this really isn’t this bad.

Sunbutt keeps telling me that I need to get out a little more—though I keep telling her that I burn like a freakin’ vampire, but she’s a horse, with a coat, so I guess it’s not her fault—and boy am I out right now.

At least the sun’s out and it’s a pretty day, I thought, using my magnificent brain to think of something fun to do. Eavesdropping sounded like the best thing to do, since I kinda couldn’t move, so there’s that… I guess.

“And did you know what she said to me?”

Immediately, my ears perked up—they didn’t re—oh, you know what I mean, you’re a big boy/girl, you know metaphors when you hear them—at the sound of two mares making their way over to where I was.

Well, there we go, I thought, looking around as much as I could, trying to find out where they were.

Come on, I don’t want to think of anymore statue jokes! Where are you, where are you, whe—there you are!

I, internally, grinned when I saw my two favorite maids, who also happened to be sister’s, Swiffer and Feather Duster.

“What did they say to you?” Swiffer asked her sister while I was trying to get a good look at her goods, or ass-ets’, if you prefer. I may get in trouble doing it when I can move but I’ll abuse this now that I have the power damnit!

I guess you could say…. That I’m a little on the down-low right now…

…Get it? Because I’m a statue that’s on the ground on its knees?

Yep, gonna have to try to up my joke game…

“She said to me,” thankfully, the two stopped right in front on me, so I could gawk/eavesdrop to my heart's contend. “She said to me—“

Man, look at that thing… I thought. Bounce a bit off that flank. End world-hunger with that ass… Feather’s ass for princess! Give that thing a standing ovation…

“—Holy hay, look at that!”

I was brought out of my dirty thoughts by Feather’s slightly irritating voice, ‘looking’ at the two as they looked back at me.

“Doesn’t that look a little like Bob to you?” Swiffer asked her sister, who was poking my chest with a hoof.

Yes, it’s me, now poke lower.

Feather snorted. “Don’t get me started on that stallion.”

Swiffer nudged her while I ‘raised’ an eyebrow. The heck do you mean?

“Aw, Bob isn’t that bad…”

I was poked a little harder, Feather giving me a stony expression… Now, that was better than the last one, but I can do better.

“If I could get away with it, I’d smack that monkey upside his head.”

Swiffer sat down while I silently huffed. “Oh really?”

Feather sat down next to her, putting away dat asss—which, while I was disappointed, I understood. That thing could be considered a lethal weapon after all.

“Do you know that every time he sees me, he tries to look at my flank?”

Don’t flatter yourself, Honey; I look at all the ladies flanks.

“And he makes Blueblood look clean! Did you know what I found in his room the other day?”

…A clean room that was filled with sunshine and happiness and puppies?

It looked like he tore up his bed sheets, there was something green sticking to the walls, and there were candy wrappers everywhere!”

...Alright, I can't explain those away... But in my defense, that goo wasn't my fault...

I was hit again, this time with a horseshoe.

“It’s not that he’s a bad stallion, in fact, I think he’s alright, but he needs to bucking pick up after himself.

…Well, we all have a statue of limitations… Hehe, I need to remember that one…

Swiffer patted her sister on the shoulder. “Why don’t you just tell him then, Feather? Bob is a perfectly reasonable—“

“Did you hear that he started a riot the other day?”

I mentally laughed as Swiffer sputtered. “W-What?!”

Feather nodded, and, oddly, I was starting to silently wish that the two would just stop being coy with each other and start to make out… You know, because twins?

“Yeah, I heard from Dusty, who heard it from a guard, who heard it from his sister’s aunt, that our little alien was a naughty boy the other day.”

Come on… Just make out

Swiffer gasped. “Oh, was anypony hurt?”

Her sister, who was really going to get a talking to when I got out of here, snorted. “Of course not,” Feather said dismissively. “The dummy just tried to fight a few gryphons, got his flank kicked, and got about a hundred other ponies to run around with him like morons.”

Seriously… Just make out… I’m as hard as a rock here…

“I wonder what the Princesses are going to do about that,” Swiffer mused, me starting to feel a little left out. I mean, there was no incest, I wasn’t listening to anything juicy, no one was shaking their ass in my face, and my back was starting to itch.

All-in-all, I wasn’t doing that great. It would turn right around if I get an ass shake though…

Feather got up with a grunt. “They’ll probably glare at him for a few minutes while Princess Luna silently undresses him and Princess Celestia debates about doing the same..”

Now my stony frown was turned upside down. This was what I was waiting for! There’s no better gossip than trashing your bosses gossip.

“Is that bet still going on which princess tries to jump Bob’s bones first?”

Oh, here we go!

“Yeah, I think so.”

“What does everypony think?”

Feather wiggled around on the ground, trying to get a little more comfortable, I guess. “It’s pretty much even for both of them,” she said quietly, looking around like Sunbutt or Moonbutt were just around the corner.

“Honestly, I hope one of them gets some; it’ll at least relax the two. Every mare needs to get her swerve on once on a while, you know?”

Oh, I know, Feather… God, this is awesome! I need to be a statue more!

Swiffer gave her sister a naughty smile. “Yeah, or sooner or later they’ll be humping tables!”

I laughed, heartedly—as heartedly as a Russian stew—with these two wonderful, horrible sister’s.

God, I thought. You guys are gonna kiss my ass so hard when I tell you two about this!

After a minute or two of laughing, the two got back up and dusted themselves off. “Hey, Feather, honestly, if you had to, would you buck Bob?”

The two started to walk back down the trail, leaving me once again to my lonesome. I got a good look at two grade-A asses, but still, I wanted to hear that last bit; if not for the funniness, than for curiosity’s sake. I also wanted to know if I could get in on that betting action.

Straining my hearing as strainingly as I could, I heard, at least I think, a distinct yes, which left me ‘grinning’ like a fool.
That little bit of information was loads better than all of the statue jokes that I had thought it.

Hey, what is a statues favorite video game? Marble!

What’s a statues favorite drink? Lime, on the rocks!

Zing!

Anyway, once again, now that they wouldn’t be interrupted with their shitting on me, I had at least fifty birds circling my stony behind, each of those little feathery bastards looking at me with their little beety eyes.

Man, fuck birds!

Leave me the fuck alone! I mentally roared as one landed on my shoulder. My eyes widening when I saw a certain phoenix perching on my shoulder. Oh fuck, Philomena!

Unlike her owner, this particular bird happened to hate my guts with the intensity of a thousand suns. Big suns. Really, really big, hot suns. Unfairly, I might add. I mean, it’s not like I meant to bump all of that water on her…

Or hit her with that pie…

Or give her wing rot…

All of those were incredible, and hilarious, coincidences’ that almost had nothing to do with me.

You leave me alone, you cheap, dangerous light bulb, I thought as the bird narrowed its eyes at me before giving my head a peck.

Go back to Sunbutt, tell her big ass to get out here and keep me inter—annnnd you shit on me…. Now that I had four days to myself, I knew what I was going to think of. How to kill birds… I’m sure that it’s not gonna be… a bust…

Get it? A bust is another name for a… aw, fuck it, never mind…

Author's Notes:

I couldn't find another statue joke because, believe it or not, they're not that common...