To be a Lawn Ornament

by little big pony

Chapter 1: I will never be sorry...

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Honestly, when they tell a guy that he’s in a lot of trouble and that he’s gonna be turned into a statue, there’s that selfish thought. You know the one, where you want it to be all rainy out, and windy, just a bad day to walk around in? The whole I’m-gonna-die-so-at-least-let-a-bunch-of-people-be-as-miserable-as-me type of thing?

Well, it was a good thing I’m not one of those guys, cause I’d be pretty upset right now. The birds were chirping, the sun was out, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and I was going to get turned into a statue.

You can’t see it, but I’m grinning and pinching one of my cheeks.

“You know,” guard number one says as he escorts/drags me into the gardens with his identical chum on my other side. “You wouldn’t have to go through with this if you just apologize…”

I snorted, how dare a three foot horse decked out in his finest gold tinfoil tell a manly man like me to say I’m sorry!... I didn’t even do anything wrong…Really.

ME apologize?” I demanded, rattling my chains in the widdle guys faces. “It’s Sunbutt that needs to calm down. I mean, turning me into a statue?!”

“Where you’ll suffer through your worst nightmares,” the other guard helpfully added, which made me want to smack him with a nine-iron.

“I didn’t do anything that—“

“You started a riot,” guard one interrupted.

“That wasn’t my fault! Blame those gryphons’ down at the Salty Mare, they’re the ones that started it,” I argued, smacking my fist against my chest in righteous, manly, fury, shaking the earth and scaring the guards out of their horseshoes…

Not really, they just rolled their eyes, but that sounds better, don’t it?

“What about the public indecently?”

I waved him away. “You little guys are naked all the time and I can’t run around bare-assed for five minutes before everyone loses their minds?” I folded my arms. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you guys were racists. And you know—“

“What about defacing public property?” the guard deadpanned. “Or breaking into the royal palace? Or assaulting one of the princesses?”

I opened my mouth and immediately closed it. “…Alright you got me… Would it make it any better if I told you that those weren’t dicks I drew on the castle walls?”

Being horribly close-minded individuals like all the guard, they just looked at each other before shaking their heads no.

“They were dicks.”

“No they weren’t! They were… um… a weird tower? The Lockness monster?... Dave the dick tree?”

“Just be quiet, Human.”


While I’m sure that having four princesses standing in some silly semi-circle thing while wearing judges robes would be scary to ponies, to me they just looked adorable.

Oh, that scowl that Sunbutt had on her face… Or Moonbutt, who was trying to scowl even harder… Or the pink one… Candance? Cedence? Something like that, trying to look scary while fidgeting with her poofy white wig…

I couldn’t help but coo, and it took both of the guards to keep me from rushing over to the widdle silly pownies and scratching their widdle ewars.

“Bob!” Sunbutt thundered when I was in the acceptable I-will-smite-thee yelling range. “I, Princess Celestia, diarch of the—“

“Actually,” I interrupted, cracking a small smile when Sunbutt huffed at me. “There’s four of you right?”

Books nodded, adjusting her robe. “You know that there’s four of us, Bob, now stop—“

“Wouldn’t it be a quadarchy then?” I asked tapping my thumb against me chin in thought.

Sunbutt and looked a little unsure while Moonbutt took a step toward me. “It matters not, Bob the human, we are all here to—“

“Actually, Princess,” Books interrupts. “That’s actually a pretty good question… Is the Crystal Empire a part of Equestria or is it its own separate kingdom?”

Candance looked thoughtfully at her. “Actually, Aunty, could you please—“

Sunbutt growled, her horn glowing. “Enough of this!” I yelped when I was teleported right at her hooves—and she’s already taller than me; someone looks like they have supremacy issues.

“Bob, for the rest of this trial you will only speak when spoken to, or when you raise your hand, do you understand?”

I was about to throw her a scathing, yet witty, remark but then I saw that her mane was kinda... on fire. Gulping, I nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

She leaned down, her eyes narrowed at me, probably looking into my soul with those cake powers that she had, before nodding. “Very well, we will begin then.”

Sunbutt started to walk around me. “You’ve caused a lot of chaos in my city, young man. Over the past few days you’ve attacked a group of gryphons, lead a hundred of my ponies through the streets to run around naked and to damage property—“

I raised my hand.

“Yes, Bob.”

“You guys are naked all the—“She growled again, making my mouth shut with a snap.

“You’ve damaged property, you’ve damaged my and my sister’s castle,” She and Luna blushed slightly. “…And you assaulted me in front of my little sister and my ex-student.”

“I just smacked your flank,” I argued, ignoring—or at least trying to—the glare she gave me. “I didn’t assault you!”

Moonbutt spoke up. “Be that as it may, Human, thou still have crimes to answer for.”

Books nodded, walking up and poking me in the chest. “Yeah, you still need to let me study you!” she said angrily.


The little purple alicorn snarled, pressing her nose against mine. “And why not?!”

Cedence tried to come to my rescue, bless her little pony soul. “Twilight, Sweetie, maybe he just wants to have his privacy…”

I nodded, nudging my head toward the pink princess. “Yeah, what she said,” I looked at all of them. “If two out of the four judges hate my guts, does that mean I can get a mistrial?”

Sunbutt’s gaze softened while Book’s snorted angrily. “I do not hate you Bob,” Sunbutt said. “I just believe that, like a foal that was caught with their hoof in the cookie jar, you need to just own up to what you did and apologize.”

“And thou need to perform community service to reconcile for your crimes,” Moonbutt added, making me wince. And I thought she was a bro…

“Well, I don’t really like you right now, Bob,” Books muttered under her breath, making me roll my eyes.

“Aren’t you the princess of friendship?” I asked.

Her widdle wings flared, and her nose was right back in my face. At least she brushed her teeth this morning… “I am, and you know what friends do for friends? They let each other preform experiments on them and tell them about their cultures so they can write a paper about it!”

“You’re the worst.”

“I’m THE WORST?!?!”

Cadence—Cadence, that’s what her name is— cleared her throat. “Bob, I had to come here, all the way from my kingdom, for this. So could we please stop beating around the bush; you just need to say you’re sorry and everypony can get back to their lives.”

Sunbutt nodded, her stern look back. “Yes, Bob, you need to—“

“Wait, if I get statuefied, do I still have to do the community service?”

I bit back a snort when all four princesses deflated. “You’d be willing to weather your darkest and most terrifying nightmares just to get out of community service?” Books asked.

I hummed thoughtfully, my amazing mind churning. “How long am I going to have to stay a lawn ornament?”

Sunbutt facehoofed. “We deliberated, and decided that four days would suffice,” she said emotionlessly.

I looked at her disbelievingly. “And no one else takes the statue route?”

Moonbutt shook her head. “Nay, they are either forced because of their crimes or they take whatever other sentence we give them.”

“….How many hours of community service will I have to do?”

“Three hundred and forty-seven,” Books brightly said. A little too brightly, if you ask me… Well, you know what they say; hell hath no fury little a little immortal bookworm’s scorn.

That’s in the Bible; look it up.

I sputtered, looking back at the guards, who also looked as shocked as I'm sure I did, and it fucking was excessive!

“NO,” I pretty much yelled, spreading my arms as far as my chains would let me. “Fuck it, stone me. I’ll take nightmares over that.”

The princesses looked surprised for some reason. “Really?” Cadence—Cadence, I need to remember that; it’s really easy to forget—said.

I nodded, while I saw Moonbutt lean toward her sister, blushing for some reason, and whispered something in her ear.

Sunbutt looked down at me with concern. “Are you sure, Bob? It’s been so long since anypony's volunteered to become a statue…”

She jumped when I patted her leg, and, flashing her my best cheeky smile, I said, “I’m not a pony, Tia,” her irritated look was back; she hated that nickname. “It can’t be that bad, I’ll get shit on by some birds, I’ll be bored—“

“And the nightmares, don’t forget those!” One of the guards helpfully added.

Wisely, we ignored him. “—I need to be punished, yadda, yadda, yadda, just stone me.”

“Are you--“

I groaned. “Come on; just hit me with your magic-friendship-princess thing.”

“…I don’t think I’ve ever seen anypony that wanted to be petrified so badly,” Moonbutt breathed, looking at me in awe.

“If you’re sure,” Sunbutt said, her and her royal posse backing away from me. “Then it appears that we have no choice…”

I felt kinda bad at the really sad look she was giving me, but then I remembered the community service, and piss on that.

“Bob Johnson, I, Princess Celestia, diarch of Equestria, lady of the sun, and protector of the realm, sentence you to confinement by petrification for ninety-six hours,” Her and the other princesses eyes light up as their horns glowed.

“May the ancestors have mercy on your soul.”

Now, I could be a Bad-boy Mc. Liarpants and tell you I just grinned when their giant magic beam of death was flying toward me, but since I’m a pretty honest Joe, I’ll tell ya the truth.

I did that while snapping into a slim-jim…

…Annnnnd I kinda… screamed like a little girl…


Oh shit, I need to get into a good position so my statue looks cool! The part of my brain that wasn’t screaming in terror thought. Now, what should it be…

Unfortunately, when I tried to move my arms to give the ol’ one finger salute, or move anything for that matter, I noticed that I couldn’t move.

Holy shit, it…worked? I thought as the princess—which I could see still by the way—looked at me with a mixture of sadness, respect, and…happiness from Books…

Man, Books is the worst…

“Well, it is done,” Sunbutt said sadly, getting a bunch of nods from the gaggle of princesses.

“Poor, Bob,” Cadence muttered, trotting over and touching my stone cheek softly. “He should’ve just taken the lesser punishment…”

Lady, I did!”

Moonbutt shrugged. “We have him a chance, Niece, he made his own choice,” She gave me this really weird look. “His… rather brave choice~.”

“Hopefully, after this, Bob will learn his lesson,” Sunbutt said, turning away from me. “Come, let’s make our way back to the castle, there is still much for my sister and I to do and I’m sure that Twilight and Cadence would like to spend time together.”

“Actually,” Ca—you know what? The pink alicorn is Lovebutt now… Candance, Cadence, Cedence, it's just easier…. “I brought Shiny with me, so the three of us could spend the next few days together.”

Books nodded, waving her fellow princesses away. “I’ll meet you at my mom’s house, Cadence,” she said, looking at me slyly. “I want to look at Bob for a little longer. I never used a spell this powerful before and I’d like to run a few tests…”

She leaned in toward me. “Hey, Bob,” she whispered. “Shake your head if you don’t want me to look through your things in the name of science.”

If I could, my eyes would’ve widened. They have my house keys!

Twilight, I thought angrily. You stay out of my shit; you hear me you crazy purple horse?!”

Said crazy purple horse sat down in front of me and started rubbing her hooves together. “Yes… I’ll be able to hopefully get skin samples from your house, and hair; possibly fluid samples if I’m really lucky…”

You’re the worst pony, Twilight, THE. WORST. PONY!

“Oh the scientific possibilities!” she leaned in and pecked me on the nose before galloping away. “FOR SCIENCE!

…Man, damnit… I thought. …Well, hopefully she cleans up my house while she’s messing around in it.

…I wonder what I’m supposed to do now…

…And then a bird shat on me.

I can already tell that it’s not gonna be that great being a statue…

Author's Notes:

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

Yep, I'm doing this...

Next Chapter: Day One: It's Always Fun Estimated time remaining: 32 Minutes
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