Twilight, the Internet is for Porn...
by MerlosTheMad
First published
Twilight discovered pornography. Now, in her frantic state of mind, she tries to think of a way to get rid of every compromising, private picture of herself on the internet ever made. Period.
Twilight Sparkle has been on Earth, and human, for over two weeks. It wasn’t planned, but the human girl that she stays with is at least very helpful. Helpful enough even, that when Twilight mistakenly stumbled upon a certain human passed time, she gingerly explained everything there was to it. It hadn't gone tragically well...but Twilight now understood what it was humans found so fascinating about pornography at least. Now, she also wants to do something about it, but what? And can anyone talk her out of assaulting the internet single-handedly?
This ‘one-shot’ story is the direct sequel to Twilight Watches a Porno and is an offshoot of the story, ‘A Twilight Landing’. It's a fair bit sillier in tone and takes place thirteen days into the story, just after chapter fifteen. If you read this story by itself, the jokes will still make sense. This may also be considered canon.
Cover art is by megasweet.
Co-writen with my friend by the name, Alex Nuage.
Click It Good
Twilight Sparkle sat forlornly in the dining room, thinking regretfully about ever having ignored Jo’s warnings about the internet.
The notepad full of checklists and notes sat forgotten, face down on the table in front of her. Overhead, the ceiling fan churned away, circulating the air of the human household and ensuring that it was slightly less stifling. Despite the best efforts of the alien device she had at first thought was a strange chandelier, she could still sense an aura of oppressiveness all the same, emanating from the room nearby. The room containing the alien, yet fascinating, ‘computer’.
The same computer that was filled with overly detailed renditions of her fellow Equestrians... in their more intimate moments. The ones she had mistakenly stumbled upon in her ignorance.
Air filled Twilight’s nostrils slowly, then exhaled from her human lungs no less than a minute later. Her calm maintaining itself, she absently watched the fluttering of the drapes from a cool night breeze, the window standing open to fight the stuffiness of the enclosed space.
I suppose Jo is right on the subject. The lone thought came at last, the first one that Twilight entertained in over fifteen minutes. It was two days since the discovery Twilight had made concerning the intimate art styles, and her friend's explanation of them, but she continued to dwell on it.
Humans are just... far more driven, and passionate on the subject of... pleasurable pastimes. So, it stands to reason that they would be much more interested in expressing that artistically! Twilight shuddered while the images she had discovered flashed through her mind again.
It also stands to reason that... because pleasure during the act of sexual activities is so much more prevalent in their nature itself, they would make it a far larger aspect of their daily lives and culture, right? They still treat it with respect in public... and it is still taboo, just like... in... Equestria... Twilight trailed off, tapping one finger slowly on the table.
Replaying and convincing herself with the explanation her friend had given helped. A little.
Twilight didn’t feel offended by the images she had stumbled upon, not at first in any case. She wasn’t sure if she should be offended, actually. After finding the ‘pornographic’ images that her human friend Jo had called ‘clop’, however, she did know one thing; that she felt unbearably embarrassed.
Oh god... Why me!? Twilight’s eyes wrenched themselves wider as she abruptly fell face forward onto the table with a thunk, staring now at the floor between her legs. What would the Princess think?
She didn’t actually want to know at all what the Princess would think.
What would my mother think!? Two little memories, both of pictures involving the matronly figures in her life in compromising positions, flickered through her mind’s eye for no less than the fifth time that night.
“AAAAaaah...” Twilight’s wail of agony was both loud and quiet at the same time, despairing, yet utterly defeated. She slowly clenched her eyes shut again while trying to blank out the horrifying pictures that humans had drawn of herself and countless others.
Although, they weren’t truly horrifying, just compromising.
Twilight interlocked her fingers before her eyes, studying the strange new digits as she again undertook easing her mind on matters. After all, they thought I wasn’t real when they made that stuff. That none of us were real. Already feeling a little better, just as she had when Jo had spoken to her on the subject, the once-unicorn managed to put away her dejected look and stretch back. The tiredness that she had felt growing slowly was beginning to win.
It isn’t truly invasive, they’re just silly drawings, right? A lingering shudder ran through Twilight and she again laid her head on the table. I can live with that, none of them know me, and it’s not as though the truth of it will ever get home... probably... Oh Celestia. However, the crippling realization of a certain, terrible truth hung in her mind stubbornly; that those pictures of her were still out there.
Millions of them.
Twilight turned her head and lay its side on the table, her slightly bloodshot eyes now studying the far wall, filled with bric a brac and Jo’s alcoholic human beverages. The latter was a substance her friend and other humans seemed to enjoy imbibing to a large degree. A stray thought, one that spoke volumes, entered her head while her eyes studied the unique bottle designs. Humans are truly an entirely different sort of creature, living in a world entirely unique to them and their design.
The purple mane of hair Twilight still sported shook as she straightened and sat up out of the chair. “Well,” she said aloud to herself. “Perhaps I can look into that suggestion Jo gave me, the one about legal action and getting them taken down.” Tiredly, the castaway Equestrian made her way towards the bed she slept in while trapped on Earth.
Unbeknownst to Twilight... Jo had in fact been joking when she suggested the forceful removal of all pony related pornography. Obviously, taking it all down was just a silly notion.
Twilight munched in an entranced state on the pancakes she had made for herself. Cooking with human devices wasn’t hard, they were simple and fundamentally very utilitarian. The difficulties mostly arose from a few odd rules in the human’s world. Like ‘no metal in the microwave’. More difficult than that though, was cooking with hands, rather than magic.
Twilight swore to give Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and any other pony without a horn a big, sympathetic hug when she got home.
The bottle of syrup dribbled more of its slightly diluted tasting contents onto the breakfast, and another mouthful was absently chewed while Twilight Sparkle, protege of Princess Celestia, sorted through several websites on her friend’s laptop to study human legal assistance.
It was not exactly Twilight’s forte.
“Uggh, why do things have to be so utterly confusing here? Scratch that, why is the way that humans protect themselves against one another so incredibly convoluted and overwhelmingly dystopian!?” Twilight’s right leg bounced at an increasingly agitated rate while she read through summaries of the laws that seemed to stretch on for infinity. A brief image of just how large a library would have to be to contain it all flashed through her mind, and she was thankful to the sun itself that humans had computers to begin with.
It seemed absurd that it needed to be so complicated; it seemed that in ages past it had been simpler, yet those systems had not worked out nearly so well for humans as they had for ponies or other races from her world. To what did Jo compare the way Equestria and Celestia organized our justice system throughout the cities? The ‘Honored System’? The ‘Honor System’? Something like that...
A tired sigh escaped Twilight and she wiped a hand down her face. Realization began to sink in that she would need to get outside help and an expert on the subject in order to make any progress.
The flat, but sturdy voice of a certain dark haired, usually grouchy human called out into the room to Twilight.
“Hey, morning. You’re up early, or did you not sleep again last night?” Jo—the human girl that had taken in Twilight—walked through the dining room—which now served as more of a study hall for the refugee—and towards the kitchen. She stopped to give Twilight a worried look from the doorway. “Twi’?”
With an artificially exhausted eye, which also twitched, Twilight wearily turned to face her human acquaintance and friend. “Oh, good morning, Jo. No, I’m quite well rested, it’s merely that I’m trying to make sense of the human justice system today. At least, the one used here.”
Jo’s eyes widened a fraction and she let out a low whistle. “Oh.” She muttered, then thought, The justice system? Odd, I thought she’d still be trying to figure out if converting my car into a portal machine to get home would work. Whatever, she can study whatever she likes... I just hope she’s learned to stay away from the sketchier corners of the internet now. Twilight had sounded confused, then offended, rather than just traumatized during that incident as Jo would have expected her to be.
Twilight continued. “They’re more complicated than anything I’ve ever seen. It has me a little curious as to whether the city states and countries back in my own world use anything that would... compare...“ The once-unicorn trailed off after facing the computer again, now reading through the ever-stretching pages of text that lay in wait for her to be studied meticulously.
“Twilight?” Jo blinked and tilted her head, then sighed and continued on with her own agenda. She was already used to the obsessive nature with which the Equestrian studied her own—apparently—very different world. “Well, I’m going to the gym right now, do you want to take a break and try going this time? I don’t know how much ponies need to get out and exercise, but if you eat pancakes like that everyday it’ll go straight to your... is something wrong?” The purple haired girl had pressed her palms against her face and groaned from something.
Twilight’s head spun to face her friend. “Oh no, there isn’t. Sorry, I wasn’t ignoring you, Jo. This stuff right here is just a lot to get my head around, and I don’t want to divert too much attention from getting home to Equestria...” Her hands kneaded themselves in front of her, the soft digits offering a little distraction as they usually did while she was frantic, or nervous, or deep in thought. “So please don’t mind me. After all, if this isn’t really my body, then I shouldn’t need to focus too much on it, right?”
“I suppose...” Jo heaved a breath and turned from the unicorn that was already clicking away at the laptop once more. “...You’re right. Well, nevermind.” She rolled her eyes which were accompanied by an unseen smirk while turning from her guest. Meanwhile, said guest busily tried to study the laws which had been steadily growing more and more complicated with each passing year. It’s definitely a testament to how complicated we all are, that the super-intelligent pony prodigy can barely make heads or tails of our court system.
Twilight barely noticed the sound of the back door clicking shut. By the time she reacted to the noise at all, peering up from the glowing screen in front of her, it had already been a half an hour more.
The sound of Twilight’s neck popping delivered a bit of relief from the stiffness that had sunk into her shoulders. “Ooh, ouch.” With the sensation came a little bit of relief though.
What lacked any bit of relief, however, was Twilight herself, in regards to the findings she had made.
“Well, this seems hopeless.” Twilight blew some of her long straight hair out of her eyes and stared dejectedly at the screen. “I shouldn’t spend all day on this...”
An image of herself, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, mounted upon one another in Sugarcube Corner flashed through her mind unbidden while-
Twilight Sparkle stood up, violently and fast enough to knock over her chair. “But I won’t allow those things to continue existing! I swear as Celestia’s student, and as an Element of Harmony, I will... never let anyone else in Equestria see those pictures...”
Leaning over the laptop again, Twilight selected a window she had set to the side, just in case she felt help might be required from an outside source. After all, the information on the site did say feel free to call should someone have questions.
The curious device called a ‘phone’ hung absently from the wall. This would be Twilight’s first foray into using such a device. It was something that essentially accomplished what she and Celestia used to communicate with one another over long distances, but with nothing but lightning, wire, and an array of other methods cleverly employed by humans.
“Okay, so I press these, and...” Twilight poked in the numbers which she had memorized from the screen. The phone begun to ring. And I suppose I wait? I wonder how long it takes...?
Meanwhile, in an office several states away, an out of work and desperate lawyer by the name of Mr. Buckland, sat dejectedly in his half cleaned out office. Over the last few months he had a terrible string of luck, such that soon he will be unemployed.
Why did I ever become a lawyer? I should just get back into singing... or maybe... He shook his head sadly and peered out of nearby window.
The sudden sound of his phone ringing actually made him jump.
Twilight heard a speculative sounding voice through the phone the moment the ringing stopped. It worked! She thought, smiling jubilantly. “Hello, is this the uhm, office of Mr. Ted Buckland? I’m looking for something called... a lawyer?”
The sounds of hurried scrabbling and what may have been several things falling, or a chair being knocked over, came through the telephone at Twilight. “Sir?” She pursed her lips and began worrying if she had phoned the wrong number.
“Yes, I’m here! A lawyer? Of course you’ve gotten the right place then. I can certainly take care of anything you need that might require lawyering.” The voice sounded incredibly enthusiastic to Twilight. She hadn’t spoken to many people yet, but typically they weren’t as upbeat as the ponies she had become used to in Ponyville. I guess lawyers are just really eager and friendly for humans. That makes sense, they help take care of the rules and make sure everyone stays happy after all!
“Oh, wonderful!” Twilight began to answer the man. “Well, I’m calling about something very, very serious. You’ll understand once I get into the gravity of the situation. You see, it seems that a vast amount of... explicit pictures of myself and my friends is on the internet. They involve a lot of... well I’d rather not get into specifics, but I just have a few questions about what I could do to maybe get these removed?” And have everyone’s brain wiped to erase the memory of ever having seen any of it?
Twilight pushed the latter thought away, as well as the magic related calculations she had begun mulling over on impulse over what just such a spell might require. She reluctantly admitted to herself that without magic the thought was pointless anyway.
On his end of the line, Mr. Buckland fish-mouthed down at the phone in disbelief over the case that had seemingly dropped into his lap. Thank you, God. He raised the phone again, intent on not letting such a perfect stroke of luck get away.
“Alright, Ma’am, well, I have great news for you. It certainly sounds as though you have a case! I think we could take these people for everything they’re worth from the sounds of things. They won’t have a single bit to their name. We’ll just need to discuss the details from here.”
Twilight grinned and balled up her free hand in a fist without realizing it, already feeling excited that she was getting results so easily. “Oh my goodness, that’s great! That’s amazingly great! Uhm, oh, I don’t want to take anything from anyone though, certainly not their bits. Wait, I thought humans around here used dollars?” Horseapples, did I accidentally phone to another country? Can phones do that? Or maybe that’s a parallel between Jo’s reality and my own that I missed?
Twilight quickly jotted the note down on the fridge to investigate the possible clue at a later time.
On the other end of the line, Mr. Buckland quirked an eyebrow, his eyes widening incredulously. Not wanting to accept that this might be a prank though, that perhaps the girl he was speaking with was simply a few screws loose of a sea-worthy submarine, he kept the phone off the hook.
Twilight continued talking. “I just really want all of these pictures of my friends and myself to be, uhm, well disposed of, Sir. How can we do that? I’ve gotten very in-depth while studying basic law and I just need some advice for now. Though I may call back if-” The stranger interrupted her.
“Well, we’ll get into that Miss, I’m sure.” A short bout of nervous laughter came through the phone and reached Twilight’s ears. “Now, first thing’s first, can I get your name and is this a reliable number for you? Also... just to check, can you afford my rates?”
Twilight bit her lip nervously and looked around the room. Well, he seems very eager, maybe this will be easier than I thought! “Well, my name’s Twilight Sparkle-” a clicking noise came through the phone. “-and by rates do you mean cost? I don’t actually have any dollars, sir, if that’s the right currency. I hope that isn’t a problem?”
Static came back through the phone to answer her.
On Ted’s end of the line, he had hung up the phone now laying idly on the desk. A nearby snifter of brandy opened up and poured itself into a glass close at hand. Absently, he eyeballed the colt revolver sitting on the corner of his furniture.
“Hello?” Twilight scrunched her face and tilted the phone, listening carefully. “Well, shoot.” It seemed to her that the other end of the line was dead, and despite trying to call back, there was no answer.
Twilight hung the phone up in finality and breathed out an exasperated breath, considering what exactly to do next. I don’t want to give up just yet... although merely living with the pictures' existence wouldn’t be so unbearable I guess. She shook her head in refusal of the thought.
“No, no way. I guess I will just have to go with plan A after all... SPIKE!” Twilight yelled into the house, listening carefully with her sadly, much less sensitive human ears.
“Spike? Oh... darnit, I did it again.” Her feet quietly padded their way across the room as she went to gather materials for writing a letter herself, leaving a moment of silence for the number one assistant she missed so much. As well as the tubs of chocolate and strawberry flavored ice cream in her ice box which she knew he had eaten by now.
It’s going to take years to fix that baby dragon’s diet again.
Twilight Sparkle clicked the technological masterpiece Jo had dubbed a ‘pen’ with her thumb, gasping in awe at the inner mechanism launching a tiny, ball-point tip that secreted a black discharge she recognized as ‘ink’. No matter how often she held these amazing contraptions, she never got used to just how useful they were. No ink fountains, no annoying quills. Just a plastic tube that gave you all the ability in the world to craft a profound poem or an enticing epic.
Or perhaps a letter of complaint.
Disregarding her continued fascination with an invention that seemed pretty simple by modern standards, Twilight put the pen in her mouth and brought it down to one of the many finely cut slices of wafer-thin paper. In a perfectly contained bout of passion, she began to craft using the only other special talent she had besides magic: writing a letter.
Dear Internet,
It has come to my attention that your property has become a hub for something that I find both degrading and in-bad-taste. I’ve only spent a little more than two weeks in this world, and I’ve not only discovered a rather extensive amount of pornographic images of me, but also of my friends, my teacher, my parents, my friend Spike, and even Owlowiscious, my number one owl assistant. Not only have these so called ‘pieces of art’ become detrimental to my mental health in my already shocked state-of-mind, but other than that, it’s just plain offensive! Nopony asked me if these could be drawn. I mean, how would you like it if I drew nude pictures of you, so-called ruler of the internet? I’m not usually one to castigate royalty, but I am metaphorically putting my hoof down! There are thousands, if not millions of these dirty images, some of which depict me making ‘love’ to complete strangers, or even ponies in my own family! Who does that!? Certainly not I, I can tell you that. Yet, apparently every resident of this place you call, 4chan, seems to think so. Oh, and let me tell you that I never, in all of my years, ever slept with either Princesses of Equestria. Never.
When I heard of the idea to connect everypony on a system of terminals, all interlocking via an invisible force in order to establish a faster means of communication, I was fascinated, astounded, and eager to see this wonderful magic work with my own two eyes. Little did I know that the only people I would encounter through this magical endeavor were those who would like nothing more than for me to lie down, spread-eagle, so they could take pictures of my personal areas, and then post it for everyone to ogle at while no doubt gripping their own genitalia. What have you become, Internet? Where did it all go wrong? Can’t you see that this virus is tearing you apart from the inside out? What happened to the simpler days that I’ve read so much about? The days where people could search for information, safe from ever seeing a very well drawn picture of Fluttershy as a stallion. Who would even think of that? Quiet, bashful Fluttershy sporting... one of those things? I don’t even... I just....
Anyway, that brings me to my request, which is simple considering the amount of power you have leached from the people of this planet. Take it down. All of it. I want it gone before I have to see another picture of Spike and Rarity doing something that I can’t unsee. I cannot stress to you enough about how weird all of this is. For all of the good you started out to achieve, how could you fall into this filthy, depraved habit?
Attached to this letter is a list of complaints I have regarding not only the grievances I have with the illegal, visual representations of my body, but also the literary provocatives as well. Before I read a story involving me, Princess Celestia, and a rather unsightly arrangement of teaching instruments, I had no idea that the written word could be so dirty. To think, that some person whom I have never met before has taken it upon themselves to describe me as a sexually flustered mare with no other thoughts than of sleeping with my best friends. How is that okay!? Is this the norm for every medium of entertainment? To take something that couldn’t be construed in the slightest as something perverse and draw it in a way that tickles your fancy in a weird sort of way?
So here’s the deal. You’re going to take it down. Immediately. Not in a year, not in two months. Now. Before I have to do it myself, and believe me, I will. How would you like it if I drew nude pictures of you, huh? Throw a sister in there, maybe a brother. You wouldn’t like that, would you? Well, actually, you might considering the fact that you’ve let this atrocity go on for so long. You might actually enjoy it too...
But that’s beside the point. I think that overall, I’m being very reasonable about this, and I hope for your sake, Internet, that you are reasonable as well. After I’m sure that you have received this letter, I will give you exactly one day to comply, and if you don’t, the consequences will be severe. For every day that there is a nude picture of me or any of my fellow ponies, I will randomly delete one website from your inventory.
The clock is ticking, Internet, and it’s up to you to decide your own fate. Remember, the clock, is ticking.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle
Checking the letter for any errors in grammar, Twilight rolled it up into a scroll and bound it with a nifty band of rubber she found in Jo’s desk. “Perfect!” She exclaimed proudly, studying the ‘handy-work’ in her hand one last time. A sinister chuckle escaped her as she looked up from her ingenious plan. “Now...” Her eyes searched around the room. “Where do I send it?”
Twilight stared out the dining room doorway towards the stairs. “Hmmm, Jo!” she called out. “Where does the internet live?” Her voice echoed through the house, and eventually she heard a faint reply.
“What?” the voice answered, barely audible over the sound of the fan spinning above. “What did you say, Twilight?”
Twilight got up from her chair and moved towards the door frame, leaning her head out to make her voice heard. “I asked if you knew where I could reach the internet! Oh, and how long does it take for mail to reach somewhere here?” There was a short pause before Twilight heard Jo’s voice again.
“Did you drink any of my alcohol?” the voice shouted back. Alcohol, Twilight thought. What does that have to do with any of this?
“Nooo,” Twilight answered, her eyebrows rose in earnest curiosity. “I just want the internet’s address! Do you have it? Oh, and I’m not talking about that thing called an ‘address bar’, because apparently that’s completely different...” There was another pause, but this time much longer.
Finally, a voice replied. “Did you smoke anything Alice gave you?”
“Smoke?... What? Why would I light a fire in the house? Jo, you’re not making any sense! All I wanted was to send a letter to the person who owns the internet! Is it that hard to find them?” Twilight rolled her eyes at the ridiculous notions Jo had been conjuring up during the serious conversation she was trying to have.
There was a short pause followed by the sound of increasingly loud thumps. Jo stood in front of Twilight, an annoyed face blankly admonishing her. “What are you going on about, Twi’?” the human asked, shaking her head in incredulity.
“Will you mail this for me?” Twilight held up the scroll.
Twilight clicked her tongue angrily, focused entirely at the task at hoof. Or in this case, at hand. Her left foot tapped frantically while she sat, speaking aloud to herself about her plan. “It seems if I’m going to make any sort of dent in taking down all of these... these pictures, then I’ll just have to attack the root of the problem myself.” The intense manner with which she used the computer slowed for a moment, a brief, realistic thought surfacing. “The only problem, is I don’t know how to do that.”
A sigh escaped Twilight before she redoubled her efforts to complete her quest. But I won’t be beaten... I’ll learn everything there is to know about human technology and... She quickly searched for the phrase she needed. Programming! I’ll learn how to get rid of those frightening things myself.
Twilight’s fingers clicked at the buttonboard to the laptop with one hand, while her other navigated windows. It was fascinating; nearly any piece of knowledge or scrap of information she desired could be found through simply buttoning questions into the search bar. It was almost like magic itself, and she picked up the skill of using the internet—ironically the very thing she fought against—readily.
“Wow, you’re really going at it.” A ringing voice, as sweet as a bell broke Twilight’s concentration. She tore her eyes from the computer screen and looked up towards the other end of the table.
Had Twilight the energy, she would have yelped when she’d heard the voice. Instead, her tiredness had sapped enough strength that she only stared across the length of furniture, brain chugging to try and decode the new sight that faced her. What was I talking about? Java script and... “Oh, no wait, that’s Alice.”
Alice sat pleasantly at the other end of the table, watching Twilight with an interested face. She was Jo’s friend, or at least Twilight assumed they were friends. They fought as much as Applejack and Rainbow Dash, but it seemed to be normal and in good fun. On top of that, Alice kept revisiting the house randomly, uninvited, and Jo had brought her in on the fact that she was a magical pony from another world. Apparently that needed to stay a secret from most humans.
The blonde haired girl, Alice, laughed cheerfully in response to what Twilight had said. “Yep, it’s me. Are you okay? You’ve been sitting there for, like, hours.” She frowned slightly and tilted her head, peering at her disheveled friend intently.
Hours? Twilight thought confusedly. She turned and looked out the window, true enough it was dark out, night time in full swing once again already. Whoa, where did the time go? Actually, when did Alice even get here? She faced the shorter human again in time to watch their eyes shift from meeting her own and look at something on the table. It was a plate of food. When did that get there!?
“You also don’t seem to have eaten anything...” Alice piped up, then tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Well, don’t mind me I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I only spoke up because you didn’t seem to be noticing stuff again anyway.” She smiled and leaned forward, pushing aside her own laptop. “Are you making some sort of breakthrough to get home over there?”
“...What?” Twilight began scrubbing at her eyes tiredly. She could feel the strain on them from having forgotten to blink every now and then while studying. “Uhm, oh no, just trying to destroy pornography.”
Alice blinked, unsure of what she had just heard.
Twilight continued. “Or at least the ones that include me in them... and my mom...and Pinkie Pie...and Mayor Mare...and-”
Alice’s expression became more disbelieving, and amused, as Twilight went on. “Wait, oh geez. So you’ve seen- Oh my God.” She could no longer contain her laughter, and the gravity of the situation as Twilight saw it completely escaped her. The girl facing the Equestrian exploded into a fit of giggling, barely able to breath. “Oooh nooo, that’s terrible!”
Across the table, Twilight’s face heated up, but she couldn’t work up words to say. What is so funny about this? Before she could speak, the other girl managed to calm down and beat her to it.
“Okay,” Alice wiped a small tear away and took a breath. “Jo doesn’t like it when I ask you questions about your home, but do you not have porn back in Equestria?”
Twilight nearly stood up, but instead only slapped one hand on the table. “No! I can certainly, undeniably affirm to you, there is no such thing in my world. I’m quite positive!” She ignored the wan smirk that the other girl gave her when she proclaimed how certain she was about that. “Look Alice, relations and intimacy like that are for the ponies- I mean, partners involved. Right? Not strangers that just want to look because they feel...well, Jo already described to me why humans enjoy looking at that stuff...in detail.” The shuddering and tone she had taken spoke volumes of how awkward their common friend must have made that explanation, likely on accident.
Alice twiddled her fingers, trying to work through the information she was being given by Twilight and thinking of a solution to the issue.
Meanwhile, Twilight harrumphed in finality and folded her arms, staring stonily at the laptop Jo let her use. “The sooner I’m a pony again and can put this all behind me, the better, Alice. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to get back to destroying all of those compromising photos in order to continue with my research on a way to get home!”
Jo rounded the corner and stopped in her tracks, seeing what seemed to her to be an argument of some kind between the two other girls. Twilight was in the middle of talking about something with a familiar level of distress in her tone of voice.
“But...Alice...There was this picture of me and Spike...” Twilight’s mouth thinned and her head flopped over to give Alice a pained look. She slapped a hand to her forehead. “Uggh, I don’t even have magic here to help me forget about that stuff I saw.” After turning back to face the computer, her expression hardened once again, determination obviously once again taking root. “No, Alice! The internet must be destroyed. Not even Discord is this evil, I’ll make sure it never hurts anypony ever again!”
Her worry deepening as she listened, Jo took a few steps into the room with hopes of trying to help, or at least figure out what was going on. “Wait, what? Twilight, the internet isn’t bad.”
Between them both, Alice saw the opportunity to sway her Equestrian friend slipping away; she knew she had to think fast. The blonde haired girl put a hand on the former unicorn’s shoulder, regaining her attention for just a moment.
“Yea Twilight,” Alice began, a warm smile upon her lips.
Twilight stared back, and her anger faltered, as Alice spun her in the swivel chair, then broke into song.
“The internet is really, really great,” she began. a glance at Jo left her disappointed that the other original human in the room wasn't going to play along. So she was fairly startled when Twilight began to speak a familiar phrase.
“For porn,” said Twilight, indignantly.
Jo glared at Alice, but didn’t stop the other woman from singing. Alice nearly choked on giggles, but managed to continue.
“I’ve got a fast connection so I don’t have to wait!”
“For porn.”
“There's always some new site...” Alice swung around as she sang, really beginning to enjoy herself.
“For porn!” objected the affronted but adamant Twilight. Alice leaned towards her, and acted as though imparting some great wisdom upon her.
“I browse all day and night.”
“For porn?” Twilight asked with a mocking tone. Nearby, Jo face palmed, unable to believe what she was seeing.
“It's like I’m surfing at the speed of liiiight!”
“It's not for porn!” Exasperated, Twilight nearly shouted.
Alice sprung into an even more enthusiastic rhythm, along with an impromptu dance.
“The internet is for porn!”
“Alice!”
“The internet is for porn!”
“What are you doing!?”
“Why you think the net was born!? Porn porn porn!” Alice flourished in a circle and grinned at both of her friends. Jo looked upset, and Twilight looked absolutely lost.
“Aaaal-iiice, it's ruining my reputation! It isn't funny!”
“But the internet doesn't mean to.” Alice grinned and put on a pleading look. "If you wouldn’t mind please, let me finish up the song? I promise it will all make sense!”
“But...” Twilight's brow furrowed, unable to form a retort. Plus, Alice seemed to be really into the song.
“Good.” Alice cleared her throat by coughing, then blatantly ignored her to continue with her bell-like voice.
Alice continued on with the song. “I’m glad we have this new technology, for porn!"
“Which gives us untold opportunity.”
“Right from your own desktop! You can research browse and shop, until you’ve had enough and you're ready to stooop!”
“IT'S NOT MEANT FOR PORN!!” Twilight shouted at the top of her lungs. Alice cringed for a moment, looking downcast. It took a splitsecond for Twilight to feel guilty for yelling at someone who had been so friendly up till now, despite the nonsensical song that made Pinkie look normal.
“Alice?...” Twilight asked, hoping the other girl wasn't too upset.
“The internet is for porn!” Alice re-began as if nothing had happened,
“Noooo.” All feelings of guilt evaporated.
“The internet is for porn!”
“Alice!”
“Me up all night honking me horn to porn, porn, porn!”
“That’s gross, you’re a pervert!”
“Ah, sticks and stones, Twilight!”
“No really, you’re a pervert. Normal ponies- er, people don’t sit at home and look at porn on the internet.”
“Ohhhh?” Alice jumped two feet again and spun in the air, now facing the spot she had just occupied while she had been singing. “You have no idea.” She replied shooting the confused Twilight a meaningful smirk.
“Now, ready normal people!?”
The room fell silent as Alice whirled to face Twilight and Jo, her arms outstretched up to the ceiling. Naturally, Jo's response to her prompt for a chorus was to give her a flat look that if interpreted correctly, would have indicated exactly how much medication she expected her friend to consume. Alice was panting from singing so wildly, and more than a little sweaty from the acrobatics she had been attempting.
“Wow, Alice.” Jo shook her head disgustedly. “Just, wow.”
“Heh, thanks. So, did that work? Are you still upset, Twilight?” Alice heaved a final breath and sat down again with a thump into her chair.
“Well, she might not have been traumatized before, but I won’t blame her if she is now.” Jo growled, then sighed loudly.
Twilight, meanwhile, couldn’t help but let her lips curve a little from the unmistakable sense of deja vu she was getting right then from the song number. The happiness was almost enough to override how upset she was that there had been a picture of herself and Rainbow Dash doing-
She shuddered and shook her head free of the scarring mental image before straightening again. Her manic look of grim determination and vigor refixed itself onto her face in the form of a cruel grin.
“If you girls wouldn’t mind, I’d like to get some peace and quiet now so I can keep working on this. Apparently I need to learn how to make something called a ‘worm’ if I want to take down any big websites. Jo, could I use your computer to-” Twilight was quickly interrupted by her host.
“Whoa, is that what this is about?” Jo groaned and rubbed a hand over her face, one eye peeking out to fix Alice with a stare. “Twilight-” Jo was interrupted by her long absent girlhood friend.
“Hold on Jo, the song number was probably too niche for Twilight to get it-”
“Or too stupid, maybe.” Jo replied airily.
“Yeah! Or that.” Alice smiled and made the reply in her usual cheerful voice. “I’ll just get to the root of the problem here...” She looked across the table at Twilight, who was tentatively trying to refocus on her computer screen, her eyes wearily glancing at them to see if they’d gone yet.
Alice made a sideways smirk, a little amused by the manic, former unicorn’s present state. Hairs atop her head stood out at odd angles, and the unkempt style it possessed looked slept in.
Jo looked from one girl to the other, already making a bet with herself that Alice would go two for two, as well as thinking of how to fix it afterwards.
“Hey Twilight...?” Alice began calmly. “Come on, you can’t just take down or destroy other people’s property. Think about this reasonably here.”
Twilight began pecking at the keyboard, in her mind, was a colorful portrait of Rarity and Princess Luna having tea while wearing- She shook her head again to dispel the thought. “Alice, please just let me work?”
The strange girl continued though, realistically Twilight had to stop. “They worked hard on those things though, it would be wrong to ruin it, and let’s be honest, it isn’t really you in any of that. Maybe it’s uncanny looking...but even ignoring that, you would probably attract some unwanted attention from someone just taking down websites.” Assuming you even could manage to... She kept the last thought to herself, deciding it wouldn’t be a huge surprise if the Equestrian could pull it off.
Jo interjected, “Oh my God, Twilight was trying to- Alright, I’m gonna pour a drink and start dinner. Alice if you traumatize Twilight I’m letting her experiment on you or something.” She threw up a hand and left the room while the other two girls only half listened to her, still locked in Alice’s version of mortal debate.
At the foot of the laptop, Twilight ceased her pecking on the keyboard. Her determined expression faltered, both from Jo’s exasperation at what she thought was serious, and the fact that Alice was speaking normally, and not like Pinkie Pie, for once.
Alice, seeing her chance, hopped from her chair across the table and slid spryly into the one beside her purple headed friend. “Come on Twi’, be reasonable, you should be focusing on getting home, not...this. Once you’re home no one will ever know anyway, and all of humanity’s little perversions will safely be realities away from anyone who might find out. And again, this isn’t the right way to do things. This is... not you to be honest.”
Twilight’s manic, determined look fell apart and reformed into a despairing one. “Oh, you’re completely right, Alice! What was I thinking? Even if those things are offensive to me, those humans didn’t know, and it’s just in their nature!"
Alice rolled her eyes. I guess that's one way to put it, Twilight, she thought to herself.
Twilight continued. "Those drawings aren’t me anymore than I am a human, and it isn’t my property anyway. I can’t believe I was just considering such drastic measures...”
Twilight’s face melted with guilt. A single tear fought to leak out on her eye. “Please don’t hold this against ponies? I swear, I sometimes do things that nopony else would ever consider.” She ran a hand back through her hair, something that was fast becoming a habit for her when stressed. “I really, really mean it, Alice, I’m sorry. I’m such a... such a bad pony.”
Alice recoiled in surprise from her friend’s outburst and sudden apology. She had been around people that were deeply guilty, but Twilight’s emotions were so very... strong, and sincere, compared to anything she’d encountered before. Her hand reached up and brushed away the tear now gracing Twilight’s cheek.
“You’re not a bad pony, Twilight. You should never think something like that.” She stared deeply into Twilight’s eyes, and took the other girl’s hands in her own.
Twilight stared back.
Jo, coughed and snapped her fingers to get both of their attentions. “Uh, Alice? What are you doing?” She stood in the kitchen doorway, back from getting a drink.
Alice was then nonchalantly reclined in her chair, while Twilight remained sitting upright, both of her own hands still hovering in the air.
“Hm? Oh, nothing.” Alice looked over from inspecting her fingernails and smiled at her friend. “Oh, silly me, you asked first. We’re just chatting, Twilight was just saying that she’s decided to give up on trying to destroy pornography I think. Right, Twilight?”
Twilight shook her head a little and met Alice’s coy expression. “Ah, er, yeah. Yeah, sure. Pornography, I love it.” She began navigating back through her gathered learning material and closing multiple windows in a trance, her quest to destroy pornography abandoned.
Jo’s own expression darkened warily, and shifted between the other two women. “Okay then, I’m going back upstairs... Alice, I think I should like to have a word with you.” She padded her way barefoot through the dining room towards the kitchen and resumed getting a snack. “Also, let me know when you’re coming over, you don’t live here. I have enough to deal with housing one refugee, no offense Twi’.” Giving Twilight a warm smile, and Alice a glower, she sighed one last time, then trudged back upstairs.
Alice nodded to the retreating Jo, but stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry after she’d left. “Party Pooper. So, where were we Twilight?”
“I... guess we were doing a song and dance number, but I didn’t know the words. Jo seems to have no idea what’s going on at all, and I had just given up on my crusade against the internet.” Twilight said the words flatly, a flickering gaze cast to her laptop every few words.
Alice straightened up bouncily and clapped her hands together. “Oh, yay! Now we won’t get arrested and the government can’t dissect you for the secrets of getting purple hair!”
Twilight ceased staring at the table at that and looked at Alice with widened eyes, then relaxed after catching on it was a joke. She was slow on the uptake from exhaustion, but her knowledge of what the human governments would do, both in fiction and reality told her they were no joke.
“Just kidding of course. Hey, you know I always wondered, if Equestria doesn’t have wars, why do you have the word Crusade? Are there wars in places other than Equestria? Does Crusade just mean adventure and its a coincidence?”
Twilight tried to follow Alice’s questions, but in truth, she felt too tired to keep up. She was working on very little sleep, and the determination that had kept her awake to try and thwart the dreaded pornography sources was all spent. She nodded and hummed, rather than answering the other girl directly.
Alice watched Twilight a moment, who seemed in her own world, so to speak, then sighed and leaned on a hand which leaned on the table. “So, how about them local sports teams? Come on Twilight, talk to me, are you still upset?”
Sports teams? Twilight scratched her head, ran a hand over her face, then faced Alice and tried to focus. “No, definitely not, I just got out of hoof there again is all. To be honest that was hardly the worst time I have, actually there was one incident with this spell and a doll and...” A brief fit of nervous laughter escaped her.
Alice’s eyebrows raise, recognizing the incident Twilight may be talking about.
“Well, nevermind.” Twilight closed her laptop, and folded her hands in her lap. After rising up, possibly to get some sleep, or read more, she asked her newest human friend a question on a whim. The entire debate over porn had gotten her curious to know more about her friends, rather than the empty endeavor she had pursued. “Hey, Alice, what do you do when you're not here?” She asked curiously.
Alice’s grin intensified, leaning back she gracefully kicked a leg up onto the dining table. “Party, drink, work, make music, I used to do art, too! Not a whole lot though, I lead a simple life. Why?”
Twilight smiled, enjoying the family warmth of learning about a new friend. It hadn’t always been so, but she loved friendship, and loved every second of it. “What kind of art?”
Alice smiled sheepishly, and remained quiet for a moment.
Twilight raised an eyebrow curiously.
"Well, if you must know, pony art... actually." The blonde haired girl finally replied, then without waiting or ceremony, turned her own laptop, which had been sitting idly and ignored the entire time. The primary desktop picture of the computing device showed a picture of Twilight and Fluttershy, in pony form, both of whom were in the throes of passion.
Twilight stared at the picture a moment, her mouth slowly dropping open.
The other girl shrunk back a bit, poking her fingers together as she avoided making eye contact. "Would it make you feel better if I said I drew that years ago?"
Twilight groaned, her face working to speak properly. "Alice, how could you!? You make this stuff? It’s horrible, it’s so... so...! Disgusting! I can’t believe you, no wonder you defended it."
Alice shrunk back more and replied in a very suppressed voice for her. "Coming from you that's rather hurtful, Twi’... I meant everything I said though, and honestly, there are a lot of people out there who like this stuff. Plus, it’s not as though it’s something you would stumble upon readily, you have to actively seek it out."
Twilight rebutted, "But I wasn’t looking for it!” She worked a hand at her temple, glanced at the picture again, then shuddered and turned the laptop back towards her friend. “Alice, what if someone shared pictures of you like this with your friends on the internet? Wouldn’t that make you feel terrible?"
Alice leaned in a little. "It's happened before, actually, real pictures, too.” She put on a wan smile under a consoling look while Twilight’s jaw dropped again.
“Wha- Really?” The former unicorn stammered.
“Mmhm,” Alice hummed. “One of my ex's decided to be a real jerk and distribute some pictures of us together. You'd be amazed how quickly those made it to my boss and parents. I lost my last job over that and I wasn't able to live it down for a long time.”
Twilight’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You lost your job?” She felt nervous from the get go over the entire conversation, but with someone actually defending the other side—after a fashion—she wasn’t sure how to feel.
Alice put on a serious, but slightly pleading look as she made her case. “Those pictures I drew were of a cartoon and not the real Twilight.” Her expression switched to a bright smile. “Who I would like to say is way cooler than any two dimensional cartoon character, let me tell you. This art is only representative of that little snippet of you we were lucky enough to get, not you personally. I can only empathize with what you may be feeling, but I can promise that something like this isn't going to ruin you, because it’s all just fan-art of a cartoon."
Twilight stared at the floor beneath her feet, the kind words from a new friend sinking in and reassuring her. It all succeeded in making her feel a lot less upset, if still not much less embarrassed. “I- Alright, I can’t fault anything you’ve said, Alice... and thanks for all of that, too.” She looked up tiredly, finally smiling herself. “I’m going to pass on food or dinner though, by Celestia I’m tired.” A great yawn escaped her mouth, muffled only slightly by a half raised hand. “I need to get some rest so I can get back to researching something useful tomorrow. Goodnight, and thank you again for getting me back on track.”
Alice smirked and tilted her head. "No problem, I'm glad I could help."
As Twilight got up to leave, she was stopped, her trailing arm nabbed. She turned around.
Alice winked at Twilight, grinning. “Hey, between you and me, you should totally take this cool human right here along with you. I bet I could really spice stuff up over in Equestria, it sounds like it could use a little something extra for flavor.”
Twilight blinked then let out a little bit of nervous laughter. "Seriously? I- Uhm, well, I don't even know if I will... but I don't see a reason not-" She paused a moment, then swallowed. "Sure, Alice! I'll think it over."
Alice watched Twilight leave, lips pursed on the verge of speaking. As the purple haired girl turned around the corner and moved out of sight, she managed to speak. "Hey, why did you hesitate!?"
Jo scratched the back of her head absently and yawned, tired, spent, and overall ready to try and relax a little after finishing a hard day’s at her job. Not to mention dissuading Twilight from going all skynet and trying to obliterate mankind for their more base obsessions. Of course, her job as a web designer also took place at home, and was done on the same computer that she used to relax, too. Her normal, flat expression briefly shone as a smirk as she began poking through the usual websites she frequented, websites which she had over the years learned to resist checking while working. It wasn’t an easily honed skill, but she possessed it.
The link to Deviantart caught the attention of Jo’s brown eyes, and curiously wondered if Alice, the friend she had tentatively reunited with, had put anything new up on her account.
The internet browser displayed a loading symbol, indicating that Windows was in fact working, then came up to a blank screen. Proudly, it reported that the website wasn’t there.
“That’s weird.” Jo’s face slowly became more concentrated and confused after clicking refresh and looking through a search engine for the art site.
It was then that the computer began reporting there was no internet connection, period.
Jo sat back and crossed her arms, staring at the screen without blinking for the longest time.
"Twilight!" Jo shouted behind herself. After a long moment a distant reply answered her.
"...Yes?" Twilight's call almost whispered up the stairs.
Jo inhaled a despondent breath, pretty sure of what might be the problem. "Could you come here?"
Author's Notes:
So, another silly side story. I hope you guys take it for what it is, which is silliness!
Ted is the Ted from Scrubs, and a big thank you to firebirdbtops for help with the song!
I'm in a sort of funk at the moment so I'm enjoying writing just crazy nonsense. ATL will catch up to MLM soon though. I've got fool proof plans in the works! Until then, stay pony my fellow bronies!
Pretty good theme music here for the story, the artist responsible is one of my favorites, General Mumble.
