DITZY DON'T
~ BICO

ACT I: I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG

The weather was warm and mild in Ponyville, courtesy of the resident Pegasus Weather Team. Birds sang sweetly as they flit between trees looking for their morning meal, and the citizens of the tiny village began their day at ease.

That all changed when a rogue lightning storm flashed through Sugarcube Corner, scattering the ponies frequenting the downtown shops in a sudden panic. A gray pegasus clung to the top of the black cloud, screaming at the top of her lungs. "Sooooooorrrrrrrryyyyyyyy!"

A rainbow blur streaked through the air on an intercept with the thunder storm. As it approached it slowed and resolved into a multicolor-maned pegasus who regarded the panicked pony riding the dark cloud with a calculating gaze which would have normally seemed out of place on the blue coated mare. "Derpy!" she called. "Reign that storm cloud in! That's not scheduled until next week!"

"I-I-I'm trying, Rainbow Dash!" the panicked pony said as she tried to tug the cloud into a climb. All this seemed to accomplish was arching a lightning bolt from the bottom of the cloud up into the sky.

"Whoa!" Rainbow gasped, trying to blink the afterimage seared into her corneas away. "That... that would have been a pretty cool trick if she'd meant to do it..." She shook her head and snorted. "No time for that. Hold on, Derpy!"

The blonde pegasus took Rainbow's advice and squeezed the cloud as hard as she could, which unleashed a torrent of rain in just about every direction but down, and more random bolts of lightning streaked across the sky.

"Yow!" Rainbow said as she barely dodged a lightning bolt and zipped toward the out-of-control storm. As a pegasus with plenty of experience with lightning, she could recognize the static build up of a bolt about to strike and her body reacted automatically to the feeling. She managed to juke into range and slammed her hooves into the cloud. The storm practically screeched to a halt and Rainbow proceeded to pry the shell-shocked grey pegasus off the cloud. With a couple light bucks in the right place, the storm returned to its dormant state.

Rainbow let go of the bubble flanked mare and gave her a stern look. The blonde pony had the decency to look sheepish. "What the hay were you thinking?"

"I dunno... it just got away from me somehow."

"Some..." Rainbow said, slack-jawed. "'Somehow'? You don't just 'somehow' cause a storm cloud to go on a rampage! Well, you do, obviously, but..." she sighed and hung her head, and the other mare looked away guiltily.

"My bad," she said softly.

"Look at all this," Rainbow continued, her hoof sweeping over the wet streets and scorched buildings. "You're darn right it's your bad. I'd tell you to clean it up, too, but I think that'd just make it worse!" Rainbow glared icicles at the mare before her, who responded with a cross-eyed stare. "Grrrr... alright, this is the last straw! You're banned from the Weather Team... in fact, you're banned from Cloudsdale until you can stop being so... well... you!"

"Oh..." the gray pony said, her face melancholy. Then she perked up. "Well, at least we'll see each other this afternoon. I'm bringing muffins!"

Rainbow facehoofed angrily. "No! I don't want you coming to my house anymore, either! Every time you do you somehow manage to break something or set my house on fire. How do you even set a cloud on fire? I certainly don't know."

Now the clumsy pony's face fell into a truly distraught expression, and her eyes began to shimmer with unshed tears. "But, Rainbow Dash... you can't..."

"Like hay I can't," Rainbow said, turning her flank on her and flicking her six-hued tail. Before flying off with the cloud safely in her hooves, she turned her head to give the other pegasus a sidelong glance. "And by 'like hay I can't' I mean 'I can.' And I am!"

The young mare's wing beats slowed as Rainbow took off, and she slowly descended to the ground. For a moment she stood in the middle of the street as the other ponies began to mill about the soggy street again, taking this latest disruption to their routines in stride.

"Ditzy Doo?"

Ditzy turned and saw a purple unicorn and dragon looking at her curiously. "Oh, hi, Twilight Sparkle! Hi Spike!" she said with a bright smile. "Sorry about the crate last Sunday."

Twilight Sparkle rubbed her head at the memory. "That's alright," she said. "But… we saw that storm coming through from the library. What was that about? I didn't think anything was scheduled until next week."

Ditzy sighed and settle back into a glum mood. "It wasn't."

"Oh…" Twilight said, and she exchanged a dubious look with her scaly assistant. "Well, at least Rainbow Dash managed to get ahold of it. I saw her flying off with that cloud just a minute ago."

"Yeah, Rainbow Dash saved the day," Ditzy said. She looked up at the sky with a pained expression. "But she also banned me from weather duty and Cloudsdale."

"Can she do that?" Twilight asked, a bit shocked. "I mean, don't you live there?"

Ditzy shook her head. "No, I used to, but I kept accidentally falling through the clouds while I was sleeping."

"Is that… a normal danger for pegasi?" Twilight asked.

"No," Ditzy said. "I… don't know of anypony else who has that problem, actually. Anyway, it's safer for me to live here in Ponyville. I don't fall as far when I hit the ground."

"Well, that would explain…" Spike said, crossing his eyes at Twilight. The unicorn bopped him in the head.

"Well, I'm sure Rainbow Dash is just… um… frustrated right now," Twilight said. "Once she cools off everything will go back to normal."

Ditzy shook her head. "She said I had to stay away until I stop being me." Her eyes watered up. "I don't even know how a pony can stop being herself!"

Twilight nodded in understanding. "I see. Well, you know, maybe we can help you there."

"You can?" Ditzy asked.

"We can?" Spike echoed.

"Y'wanna do wha?"

"Ditzy needs to learn how to be… well… less ditzy," Twilight explained to her friend, Applejack.

"And you think workin' as a farmhoof will do that?" Applejack asked. "I don't know if I'm following."

"It's obvious, isn't it?" Twilight said. "You're extremely well-coordinated, Applejack, and why is that?"

"Well…"

"Physical labor can have a positive impact on coordination," Twilight explained. "If she works here for a while, I'm just sure she'll learn to control her body more."

"Uh huh," Applejack said, unconvinced. "I guess we can give it a shot."

Ditzy gave them a wide grin. "Yay!" she cheered. "I'm going to do my best to help you in whatever way I can!"

Over the next several days, Applejack gave Ditzy several tasks. They were simple, but somehow the gray mare managed to do something wrong. She spilled the water she was supposed to carry. She planted seeds in the wrong field. She broke the dishes.

After a week, Applejack approached Ditzy, who was currently tangled in rope.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to do rope tricks like you, Applejack," she said.

"No kiddin'," the orange earth pony said glibly. "That there was just jumpin' rope. I can only manage what you'd do with a lasso." She shook her head and sighed. "Listen. We'll try one more thing, Ditz. Cain't nopony mess up applebucking too bad. Worst that'll happen is no apples will fall."

Ditzy grinned and followed her new boss to the apple orchard. She watched carefully as Applejack explained and demonstrated the perfect applebuck, and then got into position to try it. "Okay," she said, going over the essentials. "Position, aim, breathing, and haunch squeeze." She repeated this silently to herself for a few moments before lifting her back end and delivering a strong buck to the tree. Nothing happened. She frowned and bucked again. Again, nothing. She began to kick at the tree wildly and with growing frustration before Applejack stopped her.

"Whoa, whoa there, partner," she said. "Y'cain't get all in a huff 'cause you didn't get it right the first time. Just take a deep breath, get into position, and try again. With purpose!"

"Sorry, Applejack," the clumsy pegasus said, "I can do this!" She breathed in deeply and let her mind focus on her goal. She would get those apples off that tree one way or another. She reared her hind legs into the air and with a mighty squeeze of her muscles she bucked the tree.

"What the…" Applejack began as her eyes widened in shock. The apples had come off the tree alright, but not in the normal fashion. They were flying everywhere, and one, in particular, was flying right for her. Her sentence was cut off when that same apple struck her in the eye and she blacked out.

"Applejack…"

"…"

"Applejack, are you okay?"

The orange mare cracked one eyelid open. The other one refused to cooperate and throbbed painfully. "What… just happened?"

"Sorry, Applejack," Ditzy said. "I guess I got carried away."

Applejack looked around with her one good eye and her jaw dropped. There were apples everywhere. They were splattered across the ground, embedded in the sides of other trees. One of her trees had apparently been set on fire. Somehow. "Wh-wh-wh…"

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Ditzy asked bashfully.

Applejack turned to her and gave her a baleful look. "Ditzy… just… go. Just go and don't come back. Never again."

"Uh…" Ditzy said nervously. "Okay. Sorry…"

Ditzy smiled cheerily at the small, furry creatures that ran about the front yard of Fluttershy's peaceful cottage.

"Well..." the yellow pegasus was saying, "She does seem to like animals, but..."

"So it's perfect!" Twilight said. "You can teach her to be more... delicate."

"I guess... that might be okay," Fluttershy said.

"Great!" Twilight said. "I'm sure everything will be just fine."

Fluttershy winced and looked fearfully at the blonde pegasus who was now tossing a baby squirrel into the air playfully and catching it in her hooves. "Please don't do that... if you don't mind..."

"Twilight, are you sure about this?"

Twilight looked up from her tome and regarded her assistant with a quizzical expression. "What do you mean?"

"Well, leaving Ditzy alone with Fluttershy... and all those poor, defenseless animals," Spike said. "You saw the shiner on Applejack, and she's as far from poor and defenseless as you can get!"

"I understand what you mean, Spike, but we have to give our friends the benefit of the doubt. I believe Ditzy can really improve if she puts her mind to it, and I trust Fluttershy to be able to deal with a little klutziness."

"Sure, Twilight. But... y'know, maybe it would be a good idea to check up on them. Y'know... maybe give them some... moral support?"

The violet pony closed a book with the title Magical Mimicry and sighed. "I suppose you're right, Spike. It certainly wouldn't hurt. But I'm sure they're fine."

"Nutty, don't you quit on me!"

Spike faceclawed as Twilight took in the scene with a morbid fascination. Fluttershy was currently performing frantic CPR on a ferret with a red and swollen face, and many of her animals were running wild. The chicken coop was on fire. Ditzy Doo was sitting bashfully in the middle of the chaos.

"What happened here?" Twilight asked slowly.

"Um..." Ditzy said. "I'm not sure what went wrong."

"She fed Nutty nuts!" Fluttershy cried.

"I thought he'd like them..." Ditzy said.

"He's allergic to nuts!"

"So his name's one of those ironic things..." Spike guessed.

"And I guess I forgot to secure the pens,"! Ditzy admitted. "And I may have mixed up the chicken feed with the salamandyrs..."

Fluttershy sighed in relief as Nutty began to cough and rolled back onto his feet. "Oh, thank goodness you're okay." She looked timidly at Ditzy. "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work out. Please go away, if you don't mind..."

"Muffins!"

Pinkie Pie bounced up and down with excitement. "Oh, this is going to be so great! Ditzy's one of my best customers, always first in line for my muffins. Well, except for that one time during applebuck season, but I didn't even want to look at a muffin for awhile after that, so I can't blame her..."

"I think this might be good for you, Ditzy," Twilight said. "Pinkie's a very... um... professional baker and won't let anything happen. Especially after last time."

"I dunno, Twilight," Ditzy said. "I enjoy eating muffins, but I've never tried to make them before..."

"Don't worry, Ditzy Doo, I trust you," Twilight said.

Spike rolled his eyes. "And with that shining endorsement, nothing can possibly go wrong."

"Is... is Applejack getting enough rest?" Nurse Red Heart asked.

"Not... Applejack..." Pinkie wheezed. She was now more Greenie than Pinkie, and felt so queezy she didn't even care about the kitchen blaze that firefighters were even now attempting to put out. "I had my eye out... for the worms. Didn't suspect... the ipecac." She coughed violently. "Don't know... why I even had that lying around."

"Oops..." Ditzy said dejectedly.

"Twi... Twilight! Come closer..." Pinkie pleaded.

"Uh..." the purple unicorn started forward. "Yes?"

"If I don't make it..."

"Pinkie, you're going to be..."

"If I don't make it!" Pinkie reiterated. "Tell Gummy… he always goes flat when he tries to hit that high B. He really needs to work on that…" With those words, she collapsed back onto the stretcher, falling into blissful unconsciousness.

"Well…" Twilight said. "I guess there's still one last pony who might be able to help…"

Spike gasped and turned to Twilight goggle-eyed. "No! Twilight… you can't!"

To be continued...